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I really was blindsided

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blindsided81 posted 7/23/2014 19:03 PM

So,48 hours ago my husband turns to me and says, "I have something to tell you." And now I am here. Apparently it's been going on for about 8 months and it's someone he works with. I had absolutely no idea. He doesn't go out at night, is home on weekends, etc.. But I am guessing that overtime he's been putting in hasn't been all work. I have been reading here since then and the support and advice is comforting. I am trying to use the guidlines of the 180,but in truth I am one big ball of pain. I can barely breath. He seems to be torn and didn't really want to leave but I didn't give him a choice on that one. Today though I was not strong and confident; I cried and cried and cried. We have been married 15 years. Second marriage for both of us. I am 50 and feel like my life is over. I don't know what to do.

bluebonnet79 posted 7/23/2014 19:22 PM

So sorry! I know how you feel. My D-day was only 16days ago, and I can barely cope at times. But, the good news is that you found this place. Tons of great info and encouragement. I know that it is hard but stick with the 180. It works!! There are going to be some BAD days, but you just keep taking care of yourself (I know, easier said than done).You just have to keep telling yourself that life is NOT over and you deserve the life that you want to have.

Raspberry posted 7/23/2014 19:25 PM

Im so sorry. That pain is unbearable. Just want to let you know you're not alone. Hugs

Salt posted 7/23/2014 20:05 PM


It happened to me when I was 50 as well. I know the feeling. Your post looks like you made him leave?

She's a fantasy life. Not real. He needs to figure it out. All you can do is you right now. All we have control over is ourselves. So invest in you right now, as much as you can. Your friends, your family, your interests. Your support system.

You will have strong days, and weak ones. You will be OK, though. Give yourself some time.

And hugs.

BrokenDoe posted 7/23/2014 20:54 PM

I am so sorry this happened to you Blindsided. It's horrible and it hurts so much. Hope reading and talkin to others helps to give you some comfort during this time. (Hugs)

brkn_heartd posted 7/23/2014 21:12 PM

Welcome to SI. It is a hard place to be, but wonderful support and collective wisdom. Right now, your emotions will be all over the place. That is normal. In the meantime, make sure you drink plenty of water, and make sure you eat. Keep yourself healthy so that you have the health to fight this stress.

Remember, the 180 is for you and your healing. Only you will know what is a deal breaker for you. However, it is advised by many to not make immediate decision. I took this advice and I am glad I did. That way I made an informed decision on what was best for my situation. Taking your time can also help you make an informed decision that is right for you.

We are here for you.

blindsided81 posted 7/24/2014 05:49 AM

Thank you for the encouraging words. There is just so much pain right now I am having a hard time sorting through my thoughts.
He seems very regretful now but whether he is remorseful remains to be seen. I just couldn't be around him knowing he might be with her. I go back and forth between wanting my life back and saying the hell with him.
I am amazed by how many people this has happened to. What is wrong with people? How can someone intentionally inflict this kind of pain on someone? It is just beyond my comprehension.Don't people have any values or morals anymore?

Notmycircus posted 7/24/2014 06:46 AM

I am sorry this happened to you . I am new here too. The fact your WS confessed is good in a small way, you did not have to spend days or weeks getting gaslighted and thinking you were going crazy. Hopefully he will continue to be truthful.
Being betrayed by someone you trusted has to be one of the worst experiences in human existence. It is beyond my comprehension too.

stunnedmullet posted 7/24/2014 06:51 AM

I am so sorry you are here, but I am glad you found it. The people here are wonderful and supportive and can relate to your suffering.

I will never understand it either, the one man I truly loved, the one I thought was the other half in my team hurt me more than I can imagine. I am still to close to DDay to know if I can survive this, but I know I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for SI

WeepingBuddhist posted 7/24/2014 07:42 AM

(((Blindside))) Don't judge how you are feeling. There is no such thing as "Should" when you're dealing with betrayal. Give yourself a lot of room to feel as many emotions as you want or none at all. It's like you've been hit by a train and you may be in shock for a while. You don't have to make any decision about your future other than to take care of yourself. Please see a doctor to get tested for STIs and an attorney to find out your legal position. Once you know what's going on with YOU, you will be able to start thinking about how you want to move forward.

Try to drink enough water and have a boost if you find that you can't eat. Go for a walk and try try try to remember his actions have nothing to do with YOU. His choices are only a reflection of his own fuckedupness.

Daisy312 posted 7/24/2014 07:48 AM

I'm so sorry! Those first few months are so difficult! I too was blindsided, but with reflection now I saw clues, felt things were off I just didn't think "my h" would ever do something so disgusting! My advice to newbies is to take care of yourself, figure out what you want and if he's on board. Every option hurts and will be hard but us BSs learn that we are extremely stong people! Take care and we are here for you!

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/24/2014 07:56 AM

Blindsided, what was his purpose in telling you? Is the affair over and he wanted to come clean with you so you both could begin reconciliation, or was he confessing because he's 'torn' and 'confused' and not sure in which direction he wants to go?

ChangeMaker posted 7/24/2014 07:58 AM

Hang in there, Blindsided. What you are feeling is, unfortunately, normal. We all felt that way at first.

Take care of yourself; don't worry about him - he has not been worried about you (sorry).

There are still good people out there who take fidelity in their relationships seriously. There are many of them active on this forum (including me).

Read all you can here, especially the Healing Library in the yellow box at the top left of your screen.

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