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Why Does the AP Not Have to Suffer Any Consequences for the A?

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SoWhereToNow posted 7/24/2014 00:50 AM


My husband had a four-month EA/PA affair last year. As I’m sure all of you can relate, it was the most devastating experience of my life.

Unfortunately, I did not find the SI website until much too late, so I made mistakes that I *profoundly* regret. Oh how I wish I had known about the 180.. How I wish I had been able to read this forum.. But I was alone, going insane, a caged animal acting on impulse, doing the exact opposite of what I should have done. Could’ve Would’ve Should’ve..

Regrettably, I made the poor decision back then to confront my husband’s AP, via text, and it did not go well at all. It only resulted in a lot of humiliation for me.

I have no one to talk to about any of this. I feel like I’m in Kafka’s Trial. Everything is completely absurd.

For many months now I have been on the fence about sending a letter to the Board of Ed (they are both teachers) to expose her.
It's a dilemma: should I send that letter? How do you view that? Would you categorize it as Consequence, or Payback, or.. Revenge?

Of course, I grasp that it might not be the most productive thing to do. I understand that it could all fire back - she could in turn get back on us, and he might lose his job as well. - ??? - I don't know. But I have been thinking about this for many months, and it absolutely kills me that she has gotten an ENORMOUS ego-boost out of her fling with my husband, while I have been thrown under the bus, spit upon, and ridiculed (yes, they laughed about me).

Yes, I obsess. I check her iPhoneogram and blog and Facebook page all the time. I cannot stop myself. Her life is completely and absolutely fabulous, while mine is a heap of crap. She travels and meets people and does incredibly fun things. A new guy every month too.. My husband was one of them. She was actually dating other people while they were together, but he did not care, he was in love and acted like her puppy.

I also resent the hypocrisy. Her claim to care oh so much about the kids she teaches, about what a fantastic teacher she is.. But she had no problem laughing in my face and intensifying the affair after I told her of the utmost pain that the kids and I were going through. The only time in four months that my husband agreed to watch the kids, he took them on a date with her! He left our 8 yo daughter alone in the car in a dark alley one time while he ran up to his AP’s apartment “for a few minutes.” He brought her to our house for dinner as his “friend.” Our daughter asked him one evening if he could hold her, and he snapped at her that he was busy, yet spent countless hours cuddling with that tramp. Our 6 yo son developed severe anger issues during those months. My husband completely ignored him while the boy was sick and constantly asked where daddy was, yet drove across town to bring his mistress soup and make her tea if she had so much as a sneeze. She reveled in all his attention and adoration. I feel sick thinking about all of this.

I am full of pain, anger, and hatred.

I have lost 40 lbs. People marvel and ask what I did to lose so much weight; I want to tell them, “Grief.” It is now 3AM as I am drafting this, and I cannot sleep. I have had three drinks to medicate myself.

Why should her life continue to be blissful, while mine has been destroyed? She was a knowing and willful participant in this mess, full of arrogance and cruelty. She intentionally caused havoc. Should there be no consequences for her actions? Zero? None?

adriana1980 posted 7/24/2014 01:13 AM

Expose her and your husband. It'll change the dynamics instantly and help you to regain your self-respect. I know because I've done it when I discovered my husband's affair with his co-worker.

Lark posted 7/24/2014 01:32 AM

I agree, expose her. Is she married or have a partner? Let them know.
Yes it could very well turn on your husband if he's a teacher as well. Are you working on R? Are you wanting to? What is *he* doing in all of this? It's not too late to 180 for yourself.

jules6710 posted 7/24/2014 05:10 AM

The OW in my case is also a teacher (as am I). I exposed her to her husband but bitterly regret not having exposed her to her employer. My worry was that they would not consider it relevant and would take no action. However,as I learned more of the details of the affair I can see her lack of morality and judgement were absolutely relevant to her ability to do her job. Hundreds of texts and sexts sent during working hours for example, pretending to be pregnant after being dumped in order to renew contact to my husband, having sex in public places and threatening to stalk my children (she said specifically "I will follow them to school, to their after school activities, I will contact their friends, I will show them the sexts between me and H"). I have also now heard that she is known for lecturing the parents of "her" children (that is her pupils) how to raise their children. The mission statement of the school that employs her says specifically "teachers are role models and ambassadors for the school"!
Generally I believe that the AP should not get off scot free. Yes is was our spouse that betrayed us, but they made it possible, they colluded in harming another human being, were unconcerned about the effects their actions would have on us. They knew we were being hurt even when we didn't.

blindsided81 posted 7/24/2014 06:06 AM

I am also amazed at how there are no consequences for adultery. I have been reading about divorce laws in my state and there is not punishment, no nothing for having an affair. I am only 2 days from D-day, so I just beginning this horrible journey.
I replied because I am a teacher and this happened to a friend of mine. Her husband and his co worker (both teachers) had an affair and she did expose them. The only thing that happened was that she was transferred to another school at the beginning of the next school year on the pretext of the usual transfer stuff. So no scarlet letter or anything. But she did feel better knowing they weren't together all day.
I am so sorry for your pain.

Hopefuldad468 posted 7/24/2014 07:12 AM

First take a deep breath...

Remember that time and patience are your ally. The one thing I have learned lately is not to be rash or hasty when deciding what to do. I have made a lot of irrational mistakes that come back to haunt me now.

Remember, as time goes by you learn more and get more details that can be helpful. Your situation also changes with time, but the fact the A happened does not. Therefore, if you decide to write a letter today, next month, or many months from now it would likely still have same effect...but you can control things to your advantage. You may decide not to write one and do something else instead (write an anonymous letter from a concerned parent that only implicates the OW not your H, discuss with board member offline and see what they recommend, etc.)

You still have a lot of anger - don't let it control you....you must take charge and control IT. Use it to get through the day if needed. Remember that your are the better person. Don't let them drag you down to their level.

I ask myself each day how I want to handle "this"....as I feel that what defines a person is how they react in adverse situation. I want to be able to look in a mirror and say that I am proud of myself and how I have handled things (and not let my WW change the good person who I am into something else).

After the many year A was exposed - I never yelled, I never cried in front of my WW, I never lost my temper. This has really freaked her out and has allowed me to be in control of the situation and my actions (most of the time).

Next, truly ask yourself why you want to write the letter? Will it help you in a D or hurt you - do you plan or R? Will it hurt your kids (as if he has no job then maybe he can not afford child support)....you need to worry about you and your family (not the OW and her life).

I would then stop obsessing about the OW happiness and life. Focus your energy on your life and happiness. Don't let "them" take your happiness and life from you. Block her on Facebook (so she cant see you and you cant see her) I think her life may actually be that of a lonely pathetic person that has many hidden relationship and commitment issues (so she puts up a facade). Why else would she be seeing a new man each month, seeing married men and ruining other families.

Talk to others - you need to be able to take your life back....it will just take time.

[This message edited by Hopefuldad468 at 10:27 AM, August 16th (Saturday)]

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/24/2014 07:34 AM

....and it absolutely kills me that she has gotten an ENORMOUS ego-boost out of her fling with my husband, while I have been thrown under the bus, spit upon, and ridiculed (yes, they laughed about me).

Well, I'm trying to wrap my brain around this one, admittedly.

I can only conclude she must look like a swamp donkey and is grateful for ANY male attention if she's actually flattered by some married guy with kids using her as a blow up doll and keeping it their 'dirty little secret.' Who the f*ck is flattered by THAT?

Secondly, a man that can show THAT LITTLE CONCERN for his own kids - leaving them alone in dark cars while he visits his side piece, bringing her around them when they're out and ignoring them when they're sick - all in the name of his shitty little affair - is no father at all.

Are you still with this guy?

Deeply Scared posted 7/24/2014 07:38 AM

Please do not start duplicate threads in various forums.

We will lock this one and leave the one in General open.

In the future, please PM a Moderator for assistance.

Thank you.

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