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Why Does the AP Not Have to Suffer Any Consequences for the A?

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SoWhereToNow posted 7/24/2014 01:05 AM

Sorry, this was my first post, and I just realized that it should have been posted in "General," instead of "Just Found Out." Ugh. So sorry... Here it is again:

My husband had a four-month EA/PA affair last year. As I’m sure all of you can relate, it was the most devastating experience of my life.

Unfortunately, I did not find the SI website until much too late, so I made mistakes that I *profoundly* regret. Oh how I wish I had known about the 180.. How I wish I had been able to read this forum.. But I was alone, going insane, a caged animal acting on impulse, doing the exact opposite of what I should have done. Could’ve Would’ve Should’ve..

Regrettably, I made the poor decision back then to confront my husband’s AP, via text, and it did not go well at all. It only resulted in a lot of humiliation for me.

I have no one to talk to about any of this. I feel like I’m in Kafka’s Trial. Everything is completely absurd.

For many months now I have been on the fence about sending a letter to the Board of Ed (they are both teachers) to expose her. It's a dilemma: should I send that letter? How do you view that? Would you categorize it as Consequence, or Payback, or.. Revenge?

Of course, I grasp that it might not be the most productive thing to do. I understand that it could all fire back - she could in turn get back on us, and he might lose his job as well. - ??? - I don't know. But I have been thinking about this for many months, and it absolutely kills me that she has gotten an ENORMOUS ego-boost out of her fling with my husband, while I have been thrown under the bus, spit upon, and ridiculed (yes, they laughed about me).

Yes, I obsess. I check her iPhoneogram and blog and Facebook page all the time. I cannot stop myself. Her life is completely and absolutely fabulous, while mine is a heap of crap. She travels and meets people and does incredibly fun things. A new guy every month too.. My husband was one of them. She was actually dating other people while they were together, but he did not care, he was in love and acted like her puppy.

I also resent the hypocrisy. Her claim to care oh so much about the kids she teaches, about what a fantastic teacher she is.. But she had no problem laughing in my face and intensifying the affair after I told her of the utmost pain that the kids and I were going through. The only time in four months that my husband agreed to watch the kids, he took them on a date with her! He left our 8 yo daughter alone in the car in a dark alley one time while he ran up to his AP’s apartment “for a few minutes.” He brought her to our house for dinner as his “friend.” Our daughter asked him one evening if he could hold her, and he snapped at her that he was busy, yet spent countless hours cuddling with that tramp. Our 6 yo son developed severe anger issues during those months. My husband completely ignored him while the boy was sick and constantly asked where daddy was, yet drove across town to bring his mistress soup and make her tea if she had so much as a sneeze. She reveled in all his attention and adoration. I feel sick thinking about all of this.

I am full of pain, anger, and hatred.

I have lost 40 lbs. People marvel and ask what I did to lose so much weight; I want to tell them, “Grief.” It is now 3AM as I am drafting this, and I cannot sleep. I have had three drinks to medicate myself.

Why should her life continue to be blissful, while mine has been destroyed? She was a knowing and willful participant in this mess, full of arrogance and cruelty. She intentionally caused havoc. Should there be no consequences for her actions? Zero? None?

[This message edited by SoWhereToNow at 2:04 AM, July 24th (Thursday)]

Trying2Survive1 posted 7/24/2014 01:25 AM

I exposed everyone...interesting to know who actually knew when the truth finally came out!For me, it was the best secrets! Now, after a year...more on equal ground...Good luck to you...huggs

Trying2Survive1 posted 7/24/2014 01:29 AM

BTW, I lost a lot of weight as well, 50 lbs...i just say the 'infidelity diet' ...huggs

Shero posted 7/24/2014 01:44 AM


We are here for you to vent. I don't know your financial situation, so cannot tell you whether you should "out" her or not. BUT, I do empathise with your anger. Woman like her are very difficult to understand. I say, don't bother. Karma will catch up with her. Focus on you and your family.

wk55hn posted 7/24/2014 04:14 AM

Where do you stand with your husband now? Did he dump her? Is he with you? Is she married? Did your husband pursue her?

Is there any possibility at all that she could claim sexual harassment against your husband (whether or not it is actually true) and have it wind up that he is fired or disciplined and she is not?

What is the school district's policy on romantic relationships between teachers?

I'm not saying that I wouldn't expose to the board of education, but I wouldn't feel comfortable recommending it to you without knowing a little more about your situation.

krsplat posted 7/24/2014 06:57 AM


I could have written every word of your post myself. It is unfair that the WS and the AP get all the good stuff -- ego stroking, great sex, illicit thrills -- and all the BS gets is a shit sandwich. It reeks. It hurts. It's wrong.

And I really relate to that sense of outrage you have about OW. Your WH at least has to deal with you, but OW skips off into the sunset without ever having to pay for the harm she did. You want something awful to happen to her, so she'll feel as bad as you do.

Here's the thing: she won't. People who engage in affairs are selfish and simply don't care about those they hurt. Some come around afterward, and are horrified and ashamed. (We've got lots of folks over in "Wayward" who have restored my faith in humanity.) But many don't ever feel remorse for hurting their own spouse, much less the OBS. No matter what you do, it is likely that she will turn it around and think of herself as your victim, rather than seeing it as justice for her own actions.

And it will hurt you too. Revenge comes back to bite you on the butt. If you try to "out" her to the school board, she won't lose her job, but it could impact your husband. If you try to get even with her, she can come after you for harassment. If you say nasty things to her, she will say even nastier, more hurtful things in return. It also feels bad emotionally to lower yourself to her level of ugly. And I can say all of this because I did it, and regret it immensely.

This might help a little. It helped me:

If you can come to a place where you think of OW as sad, broken, damaged goods, it doesn't hurt as much.

Finally, a bit of advice that many people gave me in my early days here: OW didn't betray you. Your WH did. HE'S the one you should be focused on. HE'S the one who should be bearing the brunt of your anger and hurt. It's easier and safer to be mad at the AP, but in order to heal, you are going to have to look closer to home.

Peace and strength to you, honey.

[This message edited by krsplat at 6:59 AM, July 24th (Thursday)]

deena04 posted 7/24/2014 07:16 AM

They feel pain if you out them and basically let them know you know. If they have any conscience at all, that will bother them. If not, they're just sick.

cuppacoffee posted 7/24/2014 07:21 AM

Don't compare the inside of your life to the outside of hers. She posts The fabulous parts because she is trying to cover up her crap. Don't believe it for a second. I constantly catch the ow posting crap on twitter that is just trying to cover her ugly insides. I didn't expose the ow because we needed the husband to not lose his job. However 3 months after day he lost it anyhow. She had threatened us about it. Don't give the ow the power. She has none.

painfulpast posted 7/24/2014 07:47 AM

SoWhereToNow - I'm sorry you're hurting, and that you've been hurting alone for so long. It's incredibly hard to just function in the early months after DDay. The world just stops.

Obsessing on AP is fairly normal. Most of us have done it, for some time. The sooner you can start backing away from that, the sooner you'll stop making comparisons, etc. But, that will happen when you're ready for it to happen.

Here's the reality - OW isn't worth your time. She's just some piece of trash that is sleeping with a new man every month or so. Married, single, involved - she doesn't care. She's just some empty, nasty person that takes pleasure in hurting others. She was nasty to you when you sent her a text. What kind of person mocks someone they've helped to hurt so deeply?

The real issue is your WH. He is the one that made promises to you. He is the one that broke those promises. He is the one that let this mess into your marriage. She was just the person he did these things with. Is she despicable for being so uncaring? Yes, absolutely, but of the two of them, your WH is the one that lied to you, that cheated, that ignored your children, that mocked you, etc. He is the one that caused this pain.

It's very normal to want the AP to 'pay' for causing so much pain. Basically it's a defense mechanism. If you're still with WH, then it's hard to place the hurt on him. After all, why stay with someone that did these things? Why love him/her? So we turn our anger to the AP - a nasty person no doubt, but not someone that owed us a thing.

If you were to write a letter to the Board of Ed, what would the result be? How would your WH be affected? Are you OK with how he would be affected, and as a result how your family would be affected? If so, send the letter. But remember, no matter what the result, it won't undo the A. The pain you feel will still be there. Further, if you're upset about the ego boost she received from the A, keep in mind that any action you take now, nearly a year later, will only increase that boost. She'll know she still bothers you, and that she's still relevant to you, and that will provide another boost to her ego. To people like her, any attention is good attention.

How is your husband now? Is he doing the work to help you? Is he more involved with the children? What is he doing to heal the marriage?

Alwaysacheater74 posted 7/24/2014 07:49 AM

I was in the same boat - struggling whether or not to expose the AP. In the end, I will not. I am choosing this for my sanity and to spare my family the ugly ramifications of making the AP angry. Because if you upset their world - who knows what happens next. And I just want the AP to ride away into the sunset. Far, far away from me. I don't care if she thinks she got the last laugh or how good her life is, I just want her out of mine. Stirring the pot will have the opposite effect I believe. I don't want to knowingly invite the crazy back into my life. I get where you are coming from - you want her to suffer too. But really she made you no promise ever. Your husband did. Focusing on him. He is the common denominator.

painfulpast posted 7/24/2014 08:05 AM

I was in the same boat - struggling whether or not to expose the AP. In the end, I will not. I am choosing this for my sanity and to spare my family the ugly ramifications of making the AP angry. Because if you upset their world - who knows what happens next. And I just want the AP to ride away into the sunset. Far, far away from me. I don't care if she thinks she got the last laugh or how good her life is, I just want her out of mine. Stirring the pot will have the opposite effect I believe. I don't want to knowingly invite the crazy back into my life. I get where you are coming from - you want her to suffer too. But really she made you no promise ever. Your husband did. Focusing on him. He is the common denominator.

Sorry - but this isn't the same boat. You're choosing to not tell another betrayed spouse, despite the fact that it would almost certainly end the contact that your WH continues to have with the AP. Also, that is one person that, if the shoe were on the other foot, you would hope that he would tell you. SWTN is contemplating telling an administrative board. The scenarios are not remotely related.

million tears posted 7/24/2014 08:39 AM

She is not blissfully happy. She is trying too hard to convince everyone she is, but no one has a perfect life. She claims to care about everyone but she doesn't. She is lying and she knows it. How happy can that make her? She is evil. Who else could laugh in the face of someone in so much pain? She can't hold onto a man. That is why she has the flavor of the month. She will end up alone and lonely with only the lies to comfort her. Repeat. She is NOT blissfully happy. She is candy coated, with nothing substantial on the inside.

I thought that about the OW in my life. She gets to screw my husband for 2 years and then goes on her merry little way. I had to stand back and be realistic. The OW was my friend. I knew that she had a crappy marriage and crappy kids. I told her BH. Why did I think her life was perfect since she got to have an A with my WH? Yes, he also threw our family under the bus to accommodate her but where did that get her? Dumped.

Ascendant posted 7/24/2014 08:52 AM

I'm in the 'expose' camp, myself. But even if you decide not to, the following still applies:

I can understand why one would think that this could lead to potential humiliation for you.....but that's only really true if you feel like you had some control over your husband that you failed to properly exercise and thus he cheated because of you.

(You didn't. There was nothing you could have done, and his cheating and her general whore-ishness don't say a damn thing about you.)

So yeah....she's going to get all angry and whatnot, which is what awful people generally do when their misdeeds are brought to light. And yes, she's probably going to run her mouth off to anyone that will listen about the shitty things your WH said about you and the marriage.

Anyone that listens to-, pays attention to-, and gives serious weight to-, the drivel coming out of some dumb slut's cockholster is no one I'd spend time worrying about the opinion of.

The worst thing that comes out of exposure (if done correctly) is that you know who your real friends are.

When the shit hits the fan, you'll know who's a fairweather friend and who's a stormrider, and that information is invaluable.

seethelight posted 7/24/2014 09:12 AM


I so relate to your posts, I also saw emails in which the OW was ridiculing my taste in a certain type of car, a type of car my wayward always liked, and in the email he was laughing at my taste, too.

He later said, he was doing it just to be agreeable and to keep the gravy train rolling.

He claims, he didn't even listen to what she said, half the time.

That rings true, because he likes that type of car, too, and I did notice in the emails that he kept the focus on sex and ignored a lot of the personal stuff she shared.

As for exposing.

I am in the expose camp.

Particularly if she is trying to project a child loving great teacher attitude. No one who cares about children would date a married man with children.

I didn't initially expose, the OW, but later did and it created havoc in the OW's life.

She was very concerned about her reputation and the image her own family saw and her husband's family saw.

She, too, was a serial cheatr, and very sneaky and despite mentioning at least three prior affairs in her emails, she had never prior been exposed by the other wives.

I eventually exposed her to friends, her husband's family and her family, and she was enraged by the humiliation of being exposed, particularly to her husband's family.

Also, some of her clueless friends began to shun her. She hated that, she projected a chaste image, and used the to get to one of her friends husbands.

Also, exposing ensures the affair won't go underground.

And, if she is married, it is the right thing to let her husband know that she is potentially exposing him to a deadly STD.

[This message edited by seethelight at 9:14 AM, July 24th (Thursday)]

Lovedyoumore posted 7/24/2014 09:47 AM

First, it depends on whether or not you are willing to have your WH punished in the same manner.

Second, it depends on the school or school district. For some, it could mean dismissal. For others, a transfer to separate schools, while at another it could mean nothing. Find out the policy before you make a move.

Third, how will this affect your children? The fall out could rest on them.

Fourth, how will this affect you, your R, and your self respect. Outing the A can be as self gratifying as the A was for your H. It feels good for the moment, but will it feel as good this time next year? For some, they needed to take a stand and pull out the stakes in order to go forward. I understand that. I priced a billboard next to the interstate for goodness sakes.

Only you know the answers to these questions. I would out the single OW in a minute if I was not concerned about her going nuclear on us. I could bring down her flimsily crafted life in about 15 minutes with the TRUTH. She would be toast in her blasphemous world of lies as an ordained minister. But, my family would be her target for a long time afterwards, and I am not going to give her that. She has taken enough.

sparkysable posted 7/24/2014 09:53 AM

I am all for telling everyone.

If my XWH and/or OW were teachers, I would have told the building principal, superintendent, school board, everyone up the line.

My XWH and OW work in law enforcement, I told his immediate supervisor, and emailed the chief of police.

I'm not sure what difference it made in the long run, but I did not want lies to be told about me, and didn't want them to pretend to start dating after we were divorced. I wanted the truth to be known by everyone.

seethelight posted 7/24/2014 09:56 AM

She would be toast in her blasphemous world of lies as an ordained minister. But, my family would be her target for a long time afterwards, and I am not going to give her that. She has taken enough.

In my situation, the OW was stalking us, likely because I did not expose her intially.

After exposure, the stalking continued but dipped waaaay down.

She is still stalking us and spiked a bit around the time, I found out that her husband had filed for divorce.

She still stalks, but I don't care at this point, because I am documenting everything, and eventually, I will be able to sue her for intentional infliction of emotional distress, for various reasons.

seethelight posted 7/24/2014 09:59 AM

My XWH and OW work in law enforcement, I told his immediate supervisor, and emailed the chief of police.

I am glad to hear that.

It is unlikely the pair can legally be fired for having an affair.

What can happen is that they can be reprimanded for using company time, if they did. Also just being exposed will be humiliating. And, that alone may prevent repeat behaviors.

Also, in the case of the teacher, they may be removed from a position in which they supervise impressionable children, but due to the union, the likely NOT be fired.

[This message edited by seethelight at 10:00 AM, July 24th (Thursday)]

hopefulmother posted 7/24/2014 11:22 AM

When impressionable children are involved in a situation....I say expose. She is not a psitive role model. Her affair with your husband shows just how ethical and moral she is. What is worse is her behavior afterwards.

I too am a teacher, but currently a STAHM. I find her behavior absolutely disgusting and vindictive. Be sure to show the text she stated about following your children and showing sexting messages. How old are the children she teaches? If she is a narcissist that loves being built up and getting attention...I wouldn't be surprised if her interactions are inappropriate with the children if they are in Jr. High and High school.

hopefulmother posted 7/24/2014 12:18 PM

I agree, she will most likely not get fired. But, her interactions with students will be monitored. Especially if she is involved in clubs or sports. It may affect her getting tenured if she isn't already.

But, really how much of this is revenge? That will affect your own integrity.

When it came to outing the AP in my fWH's affair to her BBF, I didn't tell right away. I needed to wait several months till the revenge feelings subsided. Then, I did what I knew was right and outed her to him. I explained why I waited several months. I apologized and wished them well.

If it isn't for revenge, you can state the same thing to the school board as to why you waited so long to tell them. You didn't want revenge, but you needed to do the honorable thing.

Again my concern is the age of the students she teaches. You certainly don't want to withhold information about her disgusting character if she is inappropriate with students too and an investigation happens due to possible misconduct.

lol-sorry, for the glass empty and broken on the floor thing...too many news feeds of teachers having affairs with their students lately in our area.

I get that people don't want to invite craziness into their lives. I have always been a goat in life and that has brought about a lot of hardship, but I am proud of myself. I have always stood up for what I believed in even when it was hard. But, sometimes doing the honorable and right thing means being selfless even if the path is hard, uncomfortable, and full of obstacles.

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