I was in the kitchen, doing normal stuff when it hit me, mind movies, like a fast forward film projection, images of them together, having sex, laughing together, talking together, the strength of his feelings for her, the whole betrayal and it literally knocked the wind out of me. I had to hold the cupboard to stay upright.
Why does this happen, a day that I feel like I am making some progress over the last couple of days after a shitty start to the week?
How could he do this to me. Why did he choose her over me for all those months. Yes he is remorseful, doing all he can to help me heal, being accountable, etc.
And now I feel like I have taken 10 steps backwards. My heart just broke a bit more
How can I still love someone that could hurt me so much?
BS (me) 40
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years
4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA
Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids
I always thought I was enough but obviously not!
Of course you are going to have those days! This is still fairly recent for you.
I am 9 months "into this shit" and still have those days...but less frequently. Of course, my WH has extended the pain by 1)taking his A underground and 2)putting this whole event on a back burner (avoiding conflict).
Sometimes I feel pitiful for allowing him to try to make this right. For not kicking him out after Dday 1.
This is a true rollercoaster. I wish you luck on the ride.
But you will. It will happen less often. And it's part of the healing process.
You might want to try reading "Living and Loving After Betrayal" by Steven Stosny--it talks a lot about the non-linear process of the feelings. It's sop normal and human. Don't blame yourself for still having the emotional connection. Open up to him and let him help you heal, and keep your chin up.
You are on what they call the "roller coaster"
One day up one day down.
It is normal and it can last a long time. Give yourself a break.
OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.
Hopeful but cautious