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stunnedmullet posted 7/24/2014 01:31 AM

I was having a good day, not too many thoughts of the A. Hadn't cried today, been pretty busy and feeling okay.

I was in the kitchen, doing normal stuff when it hit me, mind movies, like a fast forward film projection, images of them together, having sex, laughing together, talking together, the strength of his feelings for her, the whole betrayal and it literally knocked the wind out of me. I had to hold the cupboard to stay upright.

Why does this happen, a day that I feel like I am making some progress over the last couple of days after a shitty start to the week?

How could he do this to me. Why did he choose her over me for all those months. Yes he is remorseful, doing all he can to help me heal, being accountable, etc.

And now I feel like I have taken 10 steps backwards. My heart just broke a bit more

How can I still love someone that could hurt me so much?

blindsided81 posted 7/24/2014 06:29 AM

My heart really responded to your question about how we can love someone who hurt us so much. I am a newbie to this whole mess so my advice isn't worth much. But I had always heard about husbands who cheated and thought, "I would just kick that scum to the curb."
I guess I am laughing at myself now. It sounds to me like you have been very strong. You are allowed a bad day once in awhile. I don't really have any answers, but I feel your pain. You give me strength that maybe this pain won't be here every day in the future. So be kind to yourself.

OakStreet posted 7/24/2014 06:53 AM


Of course you are going to have those days! This is still fairly recent for you.

I am 9 months "into this shit" and still have those days...but less frequently. Of course, my WH has extended the pain by 1)taking his A underground and 2)putting this whole event on a back burner (avoiding conflict).

Sometimes I feel pitiful for allowing him to try to make this right. For not kicking him out after Dday 1.

This is a true rollercoaster. I wish you luck on the ride.

WeepingBuddhist posted 7/24/2014 07:38 AM

It's OK to love someone who has hurt you so much. It's also OK to create a life without someone who would do such a thing. It's been just over a year since I found out my ex didn't respect our relationship and while it's easier, there are still days I mourn the loss.

norabird posted 7/24/2014 10:39 AM

Oh honey, I've been there. We all have. You feel you're moving on--and then the sorrow comes back, and you realize you still love someone who has done the absolute worst to you, and your heart breaks over again and you feel you will never get over it.

But you will. It will happen less often. And it's part of the healing process.

You might want to try reading "Living and Loving After Betrayal" by Steven Stosny--it talks a lot about the non-linear process of the feelings. It's sop normal and human. Don't blame yourself for still having the emotional connection. Open up to him and let him help you heal, and keep your chin up.


Trying2LoveAgain posted 7/24/2014 11:02 AM

It broke my heart reading your post just now! It broke for you, for me and for all others who have/are going through this nightmare. Reading your post I felt like it was something I'd written myself! I am 10 months out from Dday & still have lots of days like you've described. Or maybe I should say now it's more "moments" than whole days, so it HAS gotten better. I think "time" is key in dealing with infidelity. It's like death, it takes time to heal. We will never get OVER this! I too question myself how I could still love someone who hurt & deceived me so much! But I look at that as a "gift" now! Something God gave me! You too are special & have the "gift" to continue to love despite such hurt! I hope you can see it this way! (I Believe ALL people are special to God...we were just given that special gift). Allow yourself to IS a part of healing. Sending gentle hugs & prayers for better days your way!

seethelight posted 7/24/2014 13:58 PM

Stunned mullet:

You are on what they call the "roller coaster"

One day up one day down.

It is normal and it can last a long time. Give yourself a break.

Sasha112 posted 7/24/2014 18:53 PM

You're not alone. I'm six months in and feel the same way. One day I'm happy, laughing, and enjoying my children. The next day I'm a mess, crying and struggling to get through my day without reliving all the terrible things that have happened. From all of the wonderful advice on here it is clear that we are on the roller coaster. Praying for our sakes that we have more great days than bad ones.

BlueBlueEyes posted 7/24/2014 19:19 PM

Im so sorry! I agree with all if the above. I think this is definitely a hard road. At this point I haven't found an easy road. Leaving him doesn't make the hurt disappear either. I really don't understand how anyone could do this to their worst enemy much less a spouse. I don't know what motivates the AP. Lies by the spouse, selfish desire for attention? Lack of ethics/ morals? I do understand the gut wrenching pain of the bs. I keep reading to know I'm not one and in hopes of finding some answers. I wish you peace and strength! Actually I wish that for all of us!

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