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is my guy gay??

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soconfused25 posted 7/24/2014 03:15 AM

My bf of 15 months cheated with another man. He had been on and off gay/swinging meet up sites since we got together. How ever each time I caught him he always said he was off them amd he would never go back on them. He said he was sory and would never hurt me again. As I like many seen this as a form of cheating. He was sending and receiving photos and sex talk was always involved. This is the 5-6 time I have caught him on the site but first time he has actually admitted to meeting with a guy to act out the messages. He said it was a bj how ever the thought of what he was doing to me and how upset I would be stopped him going through with it. Im heart broken. Nothing feels real as he said happened 6 months back I honestly do not know what to believe I feel like he has just lied to me about everything the person he is and what I mean ro him. He has swore to me never again and thay he hates himself for it and would do anything to keep him. Im just so confused and don't feel I can trust what he is saying.

meaniemouse posted 7/24/2014 03:31 AM

It sure sounds like he might be gay. Sexual orientation isn't a choice and it sounds like your guy may have bought in to the notion that it is. If he comes from a family or a culture that does not accept that there are men that want to be with other men, or that any man who is not straight has something seriously wrong with him it's not hard to understand why he would try to be what other people expect is "normal" and have a girlfriend. You say he has been on sites for gay men off and on since you've been together which probably means that he's been doing it long before then. He may think that having a girlfriend would keep him away from other men but it doesn't. He probably does hate himself for doing what he does because he either doesn't accept what he is or hasn't been allowed to accept it.

I'm sorry you find yourself here, any kind of cheating is awful and horrible and painful in a relationship. Many people who are betrayed by their partners are told by them that there is something wrong with the betrayed person that caused the partner to lie and cheat. It seems like in your case your BF would really like to be faithful to you but he can't be and he hates himself for it, not you.

I'm sure there will be others on this site who will have much more and better information than I do because they have been in your situation but as I'm an insomniac, I saw your post at 3:15AM and wanted to let you know that someone is listening.

Hugs to you--I think you have a long road ahead of you in trying to navigate this path and you will need all the support you can get, not only here at SI but in real life as well. And so will your boyfriend. Take care.

soconfused25 posted 7/24/2014 04:33 AM

Thank you. I feel there is more I need to know from him however each time I ask he just says he hates what he done and he is sorry it wont happen again. He has said in past he was bi but I never thought he would do this. Ifeel stupid for believing him all thoes times that there was nothing in it.

Vulcanized posted 7/24/2014 04:39 AM

I'm sorry you are going thru this right now, SC.

Maybe you should step back & evaluate what you need and what you want. He will figure out his sexuality on his own timetable. You need to care for you now.

Me, personally, I don't believe in 'bi'. Each and every one of us falls on the scale of 100% to 100% straight. I say this as somebody who had LTR w/women.

It sounds like your bf may be gay, but hasn't come to terms w/it yet. Regardless, take care of you first & let the rest sort it self out.


confused615 posted 7/24/2014 05:51 AM

Hi. Welcome. My husband cheated on me with a man. He is not gay. He isn't bi either. My story..his very long..and I'd rather not go into it, not today.(The antiversary of his meeting the man was a few days ago..4 years later..still stings). he gay? Maybe. Do you have sex with him? What's his past dating history look like?

You need to be tested for STD's. I promise you, he met up with at least one man..and went through with it. His telling you that thoughts of you stopped him from going through with it? Lie. Thoughts of you didn't stop him caught him 5-6 times on these sites..and that's just the times he was caught. No. He did it. And there's most likely a lot more you don't know about.

I spent a very long time looking through craigslist..the men looking for men section is super busy. Men are not there to send dirty pics or messages..they are there for sex. NSA sex.

Gently. I know you are in pain. It is a huge betrayal. He is your boyfriend of a little over a year, and you caught him 5-6 times cheating(emails, pics are cheating). And now he has hooked up. Please consider getting out of this relationship. Please don't be me. Don't be married to the man for 10 years, 2 little kids, think everything is great, only to discover his secret email account. It's been 4 years for me...and Im just now standing.

This is a complication you don't want in a future spouse. I promise you.

Also..yes...he could be bi. I spent a lot of time after dday researching,etc. Sexuality isn't a choice. He is who he is..and many people enjoy sex with both sexes. So I disagree..respectfully, of course, with the above comment. And..this also comes from a woman who once upon a time..many years ago..had a relationship with a woman.(Long before I met my FWH).

ETA: I just realized your username..confused. Well, from one "confused" to "another"..Im sos sorry this has happened.

[This message edited by confused615 at 5:53 AM, July 24th (Thursday)]

cmego posted 7/24/2014 06:27 AM

I'm one of the members that H was cheating on me with men.

He also "didnt' want to be gay" and "hated himself and what he did"...but cheated and exposed me to STD's for years.

4 years post d-day, he is now openly gay with a partner.

He never told me that he had gay experiences in high-school. If I had known that, I wouldn't have married him.

Your bf may not "want" to have these feelings, but he does and he is acting on them. My ex, after 17 years together, also fought to keep me and the children together and we tried to R for over 6 months. Swore he was in love with me and would never cheat again. When the stress hit, he cheated again...I think he was faithful for 6 months.

Please, you aren't married or have children, right? Please go get tested for STD's and take some serious time away from your bf. He is going through something and basically using you as a beard. Do you really want to be with someone you can't trust??

((((soconfused25))) Hang in there.

soconfused25 posted 7/24/2014 07:27 AM

We have a young child and its hard as we live together. I dont believe he stopped part way through either. Im so scared when things get hard he woupd do it again. I do love him and woupd like to make it work for the littlen one but im an emotional wreck when littlen one isnt there bedtimes schopl days ect.

solus sto posted 7/24/2014 09:07 AM

Yes. While there are other possibilities, his consistent presence on gay meetup sites suggests that he's gay.

So yes--I will go out on the limb and say he's likely gay. And I will also say it likely does not matter, because sex is the least of your worries.

This has nothing to do with you or any perceived deficits. It has nothing to do with your relationship.

Sexual orientation is on a continuum. It's not as black and white as we tend to think. Being gay--or bi, or anything because we all have our individual quirks and preferences--is not the primary concern here, except inasmuch as you want and deserve a partner who wants to be with YOU.

Rather, your BF's behavior worries me for reasons that have nothing to do with orientation and everything to do with the fact that secrecy and lies erect a barrier to emotional intimacy that makes it impossible to have a genuine loving relationship with respect as its foundation. (There are disease concerns that are heightened, as well, if he is having unprotected sex with a higher-risk population.)

Gender preference/orientation is on a continuum. Many people successfully have committed relationships with partners who are gay or bisexual, but who have chosen to commit to individuals outside their usual demographic.

But no one successfully has had committed, mutually rewarding, emotionally intimate and fulfilling relationship with a liar and a sneak.

And THAT is your real problem.

That you've reached this at 15 months in is what worries me most. (It also gives me the most hope, because you can still relatively easily extricate yourself.)

At 15 months, you are in what should be an exciting honeymoon phase marked by exploration of one another's dreams, desires, preferences, goals, and yes---the things that make you tick sexually--with one another. Instead, he's already seeking sex on the side--in a particularly sordid way that speaks volumes about his ability/desire to form real intimate relationships.

Really, orientation is only a bit player here. He's showing you he can't be a good partner to anyone--at least not at this point in his life.

And there is nothing you can do to mold/shape/change this. He is who he is. He's shown you. Believe him.

YOU get to define how you'd like the rest of your life to look. Is this it? Because I can virtually guarantee you this is the way it will be--and that it will escalate. A man who only says, "I'm sorry; it won't happen again" is a man who's not committed to real change.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Can you live with this forever?

[This message edited by solus sto at 9:40 AM, July 24th (Thursday)]

StillGoing posted 7/24/2014 09:14 AM

^ Everything Solus Sto said.

soconfused25 posted 7/24/2014 10:50 AM

Thank you. I feel there is more I need to know from him however each time I ask he just says he hates what he done and he is sorry it wont happen again. He has said in past he was bi but I never thought he would do this. Ifeel stupid for believing him all thoes times that there was nothing in it.

soconfused25 posted 7/24/2014 10:55 AM

I k ow he has issues with his feeling and emotions due to past relationships im not makinh excuses for him as I find it hard to believe he will change also how ever I would like to think he will. You are right I do not want this for my future

cmego posted 7/24/2014 12:09 PM

My ex told me over and over he hated what he was doing too. It is part of the "acceptance phase", from my understanding.

Having a child does make your situation much harder, but not impossible at all.

I"m several years out, my kids know their Dad is gay and we have come to a good co-parenting place. I've more than moved on. It just takes time and a direction.

Can you get into therapy for yourself? Mine is a life-saver.

norabird posted 7/24/2014 18:25 PM

Your bf being ashamed of his sexual attraction to and involvement with men does not make him a likely candidate for a monogamous straight relationship--it makes him someone whose shame is driving their behavior, stuck in a vicious spiral. The fact that he has conflicted feelings and regrets and self-hatred over this is very very cold comfort and absolutely not an indicator that he can or will stop this behavior.

soconfused25 posted 7/24/2014 19:26 PM

I dont really want to go it to therapy about this I have been betrayed before which has lead me to believe its an action I have taken. Im one of the good guys the ones who do anything for any one and ask nothing in return which is why I feel as though he is just taling a lend now as I have been so kind and understanding in the past but now I barley can look at him. All romantic contact stopped the moment I found out however we are only two weeks on nd hurts just as much as day I found out. We used to be intimate all the time at firat but each time I caught hom on the sites it dwindled to the point its may be once a week but now even thta. I worry the cheating was due to this??

norabird posted 7/24/2014 22:34 PM

Do NOT blame yourself. The cheating is not your fault. You is not cause it. HE is broken. Do not divert the responsibility from where it belongs--with him. There is nothing you could have done differently that could have prevented this. However you must do something differently if you want this to stop. Or, since I think it is ultimately going to be impossible to get real change from your WBF, if you want to get yourself out of an unsustainable situation. You can't just take the guilt for this on yourself and rug sweep or you will doom yourself to being stuck in this pattern.

determinata posted 7/24/2014 22:50 PM

I'm very, very sorry this has happened to you. Solus sto gave you a great outline of the nature of sexual identity but even if you were the perfect man, right now, your bf is not capable of being a functional partner to anyone right now. This is not your fault. You can't change his cheating. And you cannot change his sexual orientation / identity / interests. For most gay men 'bisexuality' is a stepping stone on the road to identifying as gay and unfortunately, many women are hurt in the process of gay men reconciling their sexual orientation.

But right now, your focus has to be on YOU. Not diagnosing him. Not even figuring out when he lied to you about what. Please get tested immediately and repeatedly for STD's until you are clear. It is important that your doc know that your sexual partner has been engaged in high risk activities outside of your relationship and without your knowledge and that you need a full panel of testing. You've got to find yourself an IC. You just have to. If you find one versed in LGBT issues, you will often find that they have experience treating family members who are hurt by the coming out process---or they might be able to refer you to someone who does that work.

Keep posting. We're here for you.

purplejacket4 posted 7/24/2014 23:16 PM

As a gay person I will tell you that solus sol nailed it.

I broke up with my male fiancé not because I didn't love him but because my attraction to women was so strong that I didn't want to risk hurting him or future children. It is hard in our culture to accept you aren't in the 95% "normal" there's a lot of "why me" especially if you grew up in a religious family. Depending on the person it could take years or never for them to accept themselves. Please don't continue to subject yourself to that.

Good luck.

Nature_Girl posted 7/25/2014 01:58 AM

I think he's gay, yes.

I think you need to concern yourself with you and your child. He has to figure this out. I think you need to figure out how to live your life without him as a life partner. Solus totally gave you spot-on advice. Others here have also pointed out that this man, gay or straight, is not relationship material. He's a cheater, he's a liar, he actively deceives you. I'm so sorry.

soconfused25 posted 7/25/2014 03:09 AM

I appreciate every ones response. I know its going to be a hard roulad to take and there possibility of been hurt in the future by him. I will be having further tests doneit has been 5-6 months since this incident happened how ever onlu known just short of two weeks. We spoke about it again last night and he again broke down regretting his actions wishes it never happened promising it would never happened again he doesnt want to lose me he wants us to have future apologising for all he put me through.

I have access to all his technology mobiles laptops ect none have any sites for dating / gay /swingers/ meetup this is a relief to me as all the other history is there. My partner does just delete individual sites he would delete full lot.

we have spoken may times about it and each time he hold me so tight and he crys for what he had done.

nomistakeaboutit posted 7/25/2014 06:01 AM

we have spoken may times about it and each time he hold me so tight and he crys for what he had done.

Sure he does. He feels horrible about what he's done, each and every time. Do you think he is at peace with his sexuality? From reading your posts, kept seems like he is not. He seems like he is trying to be with you (and probably does love you), but his strong, natural sexual desire is for me. Sorry.

None of that addresses his infidelity, which has probably been acted out beyond looking at web sites. As was pointed out earlier, that is maybe a bigger problem and is why you've come to this site to begin with.

I suggest being honest with yourself. Somehow (no judging here) you've picked a guy who has a strong desire to be with men even though he is in a committed relationship with you, and you two have the gift of a child. Now that you know this! Your options become very limited. 1. Live with it forever. 2. Leave him and move on to a man who will commit to just you and not be attracted to ore men. I recommend option 2.

You seem to want to give him another chance, though. So, if this will make it easier for you, go ahead. Do that, if you need further convincing, but commit to yourself that it will be just one more chance and then you will have seen enough. You know he's not going to stop though, right?

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