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I have these days, as a wayward, that I feel paralyzed. Perhaps it is because I've put too much pressure and control on my behaviors. Perhaps it is because I've put off too many things that need to be done, and now I don't know where to start.

I wish I had an office to go to and a boss or coworker for all of my projects. That way, I wouldn't just be sitting here alone thinking.

Every day it seems I get myself into a double bind. e.g., If I do school work today, I'll be neglecting my marriage/self/research work that needs to be done. If I do research work, I'll be putting off all the rest. I have focused almost all of my attention on marriage/self work, and the rest is starting to suffer as a result. Anything besides marriage/self work seems like a distraction. On a positive note, I keep uncovering and sharing some pretty intense memories with my BS. Even yesterday I disclosed some pretty scary stuff that I did in HS that still haunts me and forces me to redefine my identity. But this can't go on forever...I have to work.

Any other WS or BS feel this way? Is this just another example of me being a selfish procrastinator?

For me, immediately after DDay,it was a little bit of both. One of my problems was/is depression. To oversimplify, I didn't much care about anything. This included M and work. So when my world got turned upside down, a lot of that attitude was still there.

In addition to that, however, fixing me, helping BW and my M is my highest priority. I feel like I cannot start my day until I read and write here on SI. Ithink that focus is a good thing.

Finally, I feel like I am achieving more balance on my journey. Pary of it is because a lot of work has already been done. I don't have to keep wondering why I would do certain things. Another reason is that I am relearning how to deal with the syuff around me. It gets better, with time and practice.

Hang in there.

[This message edited by somethingremorse at 8:47 AM, July 24th (Thursday)]