"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

IWantToSurvive posted 7/24/2014 08:15 AM

Hi there,
I have been cheating my husband for 4 months, DDay 3,5 months ago, A finished the very same day...
After all the hurtfull revelations, sadness, anger, we decided to give it a try. We have spent weeks rediscovering oursevles, communicating like never before, making love like never before. Even with the downs, the ups kept me thinking we would do fine and go through this even stronger than before.
But my husband still doubts he will be able to forgive me, to trust me again, and so does not see any future for both of us, with children along the way.
I know deep in my heart it is not true, we still can build something together, it is "just" a phase he is going though. I do all I can to prove it everyday, by cooking him meals (I used to hate that) inviting him to restaurants and nights out, having all the sweetest attentions I can have for him, etc. We have done a long road since then.
But he keeps thinking it is not possible, and it is better to break up now than in several months, so we will have the chance to start a new life sooner seperatly. But he is all I want, all I ever wanted even if I screwed up big time. He is all my Life, my Soulmate, and always will be...
I have asked for a meeting with a councelor, even if we have had communicated a lot since Dday, maybe it will help him to keep trying and hoping it will work out.
What else could I do? I am starting to feel hopeless...

We've been married for nearly 3 years now, together for 7,5 years.

painfulpast posted 7/24/2014 08:26 AM

I know deep in my heart it is not true, we still can build something together, it is "just" a phase he is going though.

As a BS, I promise you that your BH feeling that R may not be possible is not a 'phase'. Your post is very much about you, and why you think things can work out. You don't mention the pain he is in, the insecurity he feels, the damage done to the relationship. You want a meeting with a counselor to 'help him keep trying', when the purpose of a counselor should be to help heal. It almost seems like you're hoping to get a second opinion on whether or not he should stay in the marriage. Honestly, 1,000 people could tell him that R is possible, but if he doesn't believe it is, then it's not. I'm sorry, I know that isn't what you want to hear, but it's the truth. R is a very long, hard road. It takes years, and it's very challenging. Cooking meals and inviting him to restaurants are nice things, but they aren't what is needed to successfully R. I think counseling is a very good idea, but not for the reason you stated. I think that getting to your 'why' as in 'why did I have an affair' is very necessary, whether or not you and BH decide to R or D.

There are a lot of WSs here on SI that will be able to offer some very valuable advice. I think you've come to the right place for support and guidance. I wish you success in your attempt to R, but I do hope you understand that this is far more serious than a 'phase', and the work is much more difficult than cooking and paying attention to him.

This is a difficult road you're on. I sincerely wish the best for both you and your BH.

atsenaotie posted 7/24/2014 08:43 AM

IWantToSurvive,

Your BS does not feel safe in the relationship because after the betrayal of an A it opens our eyes that it is possible. You mention:

...rediscovering ourselves, communicating like never before, making love like never before...

I suspect that the same could be said of the time during your courtship before M too, and yet you went on to have an A. What is different this time?

You mention a counselor appointment, I suggest IC, not MC. With IC you can learn why you turned to OP rather than your BS. You can learn why your boundaries were so low that you allowed another person into your M, why you were able to betray your BS for so long. Knowing the answers to these types of topics, and demonstrating changed behavior for a sustained period will help youe BS to feel trust and more safety in the relationship.

What else to do? You could read Not Just Friends by Glass and Sexual Detours by Hines and discuss with your BS how these books do or do not apply to your A and the M. You can ensure that your BS has access to all of your methods of communication.

nekorb posted 7/24/2014 08:43 AM

I'm wondering if you've posted over in the Wayward's forum?

You will find a lot of good help and advice over there.

Briefly I will say that the same sentence that caught painfulpast's attention caught mine as well. A gently as I can say it, it really doesn't matter what *you* know deep in your heart regarding the possibility of R. It matters what your BH *feels* about it.

IWantToSurvive posted 7/24/2014 08:56 AM

@painfulpast : I know the pain he is going through, when I am not feeling well it is because he is not feeling well due to all the bad I have done to him and to our marriage. I am really helpless on how to deal with that.
I don't know why I have had an A during 4 months, I have met an IC several times but found no rational explanation to my behaviours.
But I feel it was not myself, as I look back in disgust to what I have done, all the hurt I put him through, all the lies, the moments spent with AP instead of my H... It is like I have woken up on the Dday, asking to myself "what have I done?" I have never thought leaving my H for the AP, and I kept thinking only about myself and my own little hapiness.
Those days are over, all my thoughts only go to H, but as I said I am helpless.. I want help him to heal, feel better, believing in our future...

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/24/2014 09:01 AM

IWantToSurvive, you really need to be posting this over on the Wayward forum.

Good luck to you.

IWantToSurvive posted 7/24/2014 09:06 AM

@atsenaotie : thanks for the suggestions, I will read them for sure.
Why having all of this now and not before the A? Because we had lost sight from each other, nearly became strangers due to a lack of communication and misunderstandings... This is not an excuse (there is none) to what I have done, but part of the explanation.
I feel we have gained back what we had long lost, he thinks it too, but he is still in a lot of pain at some moments...

Schadenfreude posted 7/24/2014 09:07 AM

Have you sat down with him and discussed his feelings about the future of your marriage? You have written things he has said, but are these angry words or calm words?

Going out on dates is fine, but really doesn't give him reason to trust you, to,feel,safe in the relationship. Those are the feelings needed for R.

You cannot know what he is feeling deep inside. You think you do, but you don't. Every time he sees you he sees OM too. With so little time passed since DDay, how could he not?

Many factors are involved. Who was OM? A friend, a coworker, exBF or stranger to him. How did the A start? Where did it happen? Frequent or rare meetings? There are many more things we think about and weigh in the R/noR calculation. And of course we think about the potential of ever being hurt by you like that again. It takes a great deal of faith and trust to put ourselves in that situation again.

And, of course, there are Plan B doubts and feelings. How did the A end? Who ended it? Does BH know what happened to end the A? How,open have you been with him. Does he know the timeline?

Sorry for asking questions instead of providing a magic answer to your worries. But he didn't choose to be in a A as the third person and that is a very bad position to be in. Until you understand that, instead of worrying about your future, R isn't in the cards.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 9:09 AM, July 24th (Thursday)]

BrokenButTrying posted 7/24/2014 09:15 AM

Hi IWantToSurvive,

You need to be posting over on the Wayward forum. The members over there are all waywards too and you will get help and advice.

Speaking as a wayward wife myself, this isn't a phase your husband is going through. You cannot make this better with cooking and kisses. He is experiencing the biggest trauma he will ever go through, you have destroyed your marriage and turned his world upside down.

Now, that doesn't mean that your marriage can't be re-built but it takes YEARS of hard work, are you up for that? Because if not, and all you want to do is sweep it under the rug and pretend it never happened, then let him go.

There is no rational explanation to why you cheated. Affairs are not based on logic. But you need to return to IC, preferably one who specialises in infidelity, dig really deep and find out what caused you to make the decision to step outside your marriage.

You need to start reading. The healing library on this site (yellow box, top left hand corner of the page) is a good place to start. Get a copy of How ToHelp Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda Macdonald and read it cover to cover, several times.

You cannot make your husband feel better, you have no control over him or the outcome of your marriage. But you do have control of yourself and if he can see you doing the hard work needed to understand your choices and change yourself then you might be able to work together to save your marriage.

DrJekyll posted 7/24/2014 09:38 AM

I feel we have gained back what we had long lost,

You are 3.5 months out from dday. I can say this is a delusion. You are trying to not feel the brake in your relationship. If you imagine your love line as a thick rope. Over time your rope thinned out some, but once your A has been discovered, your ope has gone to a single piece of thread, and how easily that thread can be broken. Your BS opinion and perception of the whole world has changed. He is going to be feeling like love isn't real, and that monogamy is a myth. You have destroyed him and all that he held to be true.

The good news, there is hope. Your BS may leave. But you have to hope in you. head over to the wayward forum and we have been where you sit, and can encourage you through this time in your life.

Skan posted 7/24/2014 15:31 PM

IWantToSurvive, I'm going to be very blunt here. It is not my intention to be overly unkind, however I'm not going to sugarcoat things.

But he is all I want, all I ever wanted even if I screwed up big time. He is all my Life, my Soulmate, and always will be...

In a word, bull. Complete and utter bull pucky. You obviously wanted someone else you had a four month sexual affair with that person. He obviously wasn't and isn't all of your life. Instead of talking over whatever perceived marital problems that the two of you had, you chose, you made the decision, to find someone else to give your loyalty, body, and emotional connection to. Soulmate? Oh please! Just give that overly dramatic label a break. If your souls were as tightly linked as you claim, then the very moment that you had ANY idea of banging another man, that thought would have cut you like a flaying knife.

Please. Just stop with the drama and all of the word flinging. It does no good to you or to him. Right now, your words mean less than nothing. It's your actions that are the true tale of who and what you are. And by actions, I do not mean the actions that you owe your spouse cooking, cleaning, eating out, having sex, paying attention to each other. I mean the actions that actually HELP your spouse to heal from the wounds that YOU inflicted on him. If your WH had been run over by a truck 3.5 months ago, you would not be demanding that he run a marathon today and you would not be telling him, when he told you of his pain, that it was "just a phase" and he should be over it now because darn it! You want him to be better and run that marathon!

What can you do?

You can quit hugging your pain, your panic, and your self-absorbedness to yourself and start giving your WH the respect he is due. You can start doing the things that HE needs you to do, to help him heal. You can respect the fact that at less than 4 months out, he is still hemorrhaging from a wound that you inflicted on him, and quit insisting that it's all in his head and if he gets a good meal and a romp in bed, he should be over it. You can respect his humanity by respecting his pain and put his needs over yours.

I strongly suggest that you get "How to help your spouse heal from your affair," link provided here http://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X and read and implement it. And then let him read it if he wants. It will give you a starting place, and a resource to go back to every time you're tempted to make this all about you again. And with the other posters, I very strongly suggest that you start posting on the Wayward Forum and list to what those experienced people have to say. And follow their guidance.

norabird posted 7/24/2014 18:20 PM

Heal you first, and make yourself a safe partner irrespective of whether you R or not. That is the indicator of true remorse and reform.

jo2love posted 7/24/2014 18:39 PM

This post has been moved to the WS forum. Please post accordingly. Thank you.

plainpain posted 7/24/2014 19:03 PM

((IWanttoSurvive))

I am glad you found SI. It is a really great place to come and find support, honesty and help through the long journey of healing. I wish I had found it after DDay #1. I wish my WH would have cared enough after DDay #1 to scour the internet for some kind of marriage help. So, it is great you are here.

To me, it is crystal clear that you don't yet "get it", and it is going to take a lot of work on your part to really see for yourself why your words here are not getting you any real sympathy.

I am a BS. I also thought my WH was my "soul mate". When I found out about his betrayal I honest-to-God could think of nothing but wanting to die. People light themselves on fire because of this kind of humiliation and pain. It is worse than a death. You don't know - you can never know - unless you have experienced it. It is a very, very, very, very big deal.

So if your BS is still with you, trying even a little bit, you owe it to him to receive every day he is there as a gift and a blessing. You are not entitled to that. You do not get to decide for him what he needs or how hard he should be trying or how much your marriage ought to be worth to him now. Right now, it sounds like your main concern is how to get the result that you want out of this - you want him to get past it and decide to keep your marriage.

What you have to understand is that you have wounded him and scarred him FOREVER. Forever. Whether he stays in the marriage or not, he is scarred. Right now, actually, he is still bleeding. If you love him, like you say you do, then you will put what you want from him aside, and you will begin to focus your energy on figuring out how it is that you gave yourself permission to do this to yourself and to him. Lonely, neglected, not communicating, doesn't like cooking, has a peg for a leg... not remotely "why". I have a sob story, too, and I did not cheat.

Nobody here wants to be unkind to you or overly harsh, I am sure. I certainly don't. But there are things you need to hear and see and I agree, you will feel safer and more able to explore and work honestly for your own healing if you post in Waywards. Everyone there has been where you are, in one form or another, for one reason or another. They will gladly support and guide you through this.

I'm glad you're here. Good luck!

plainpain posted 7/24/2014 19:05 PM

Wh oops, just saw the thread moved.

GetEvenInAZ posted 7/25/2014 01:32 AM

Honestly, 3 1/2 months in BS time is nothing. I didn't even hit the really good anger stage till at least 6 months; everything till then was sheer animal survival, making it from 1 minute to the next without some major fubar like getting fired.

One of best pieces of advice from IC was to NOT make any life-altering decisions for at least 6 months due to emotional volitility on both sides. And to never make an emotional decision regardless if related to A ir not.

That 6 month (actually 9) window was only time S/D was off the table so as to at least have temporary safety without worrying someone wouod walk out with no warning and without S/D hanging over everyones heads.

Unfortunately still ended up separating, but that 6 month window gave me the courage to say things i woyldn't have said otherwise.

I truly hope you and BH can at least agree on temp truce long enough so that neither of your lives are decided on raw emotions and instead on some rationale reasoning.

william posted 7/25/2014 01:56 AM

Its good you are here on si. That's a big step.

You want to reconnect with your husband and that's important. However even more important is making him feel safe. What are you doing to make him feel safe?

You chose infidelity. It was a series of choices that brought you into your affair. Your husband had no control of your choices. He can choose if your betrayal is a deal breaker or not. You can't make that choice for him anymore than he could decide if you were going to have an affair. I say this gently.

If you truly love your husband then make two major commitments.
1: to help your husband heal.
2: that you get counseling, dig to find out "why" you felt an affair was acceptable, and then work on yourself so you are someone safe to be in a relationship with.
These two commitments should be firm and continue even if he decides not to R.

The best you can offer right now to him are these commitments.

healingroad posted 7/25/2014 02:23 AM

All the advice you are getting here is true. You sound just like my STBXWW. The nice things she did for me made me try harder to want to R, but in the end we failed for exactly the reasons everyone is saying.

I needed to know that she truly understood my pain, would do anything in her power to heal it, and would look deep within herself to find the piece of herself that allowed her to indulge in the A.

In the end she didn't do things things. We are done.

You may still have a chance. Listen to what people are saying here. If you can't follow their advice 100%, do yourself and your BH a favor and end it now and put an end to the suffering.

somethingremorse posted 7/25/2014 08:11 AM

Getting back to the person you used to be is not enough. That person had an A.

But I feel it was not myself, as I look back in disgust to what I have done, all the hurt I put him through, all the lies, the moments spent with AP instead of my H... It is like I have woken up on the Dday, asking to myself "what have I done?"

This is not at all comforting to a BS. As waywards, I think we have all been in this exact spot. The key to helping yourself and your BH is not stopping there. You need to show him with every action that you understand and have fixed whatever it was that allowed you to have an A.

Unagie posted 7/25/2014 08:58 AM

Sometimes its a deal breaker. Your BH needs to heal and if he doesnt want to be with you that's a consequence of your A. You know why, even a surface why to find out the real reasons you have to be willing to dig deep and that's hard work. Cooking q meal and having great sex does not make a R especially when youre devaluing how he feels by calling it a phase. Heal yourself and grow, be better. Right now youre doing a lot of surface wotk and none of the tough stuff.