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Newest Member: Brokeninnm38 (61788)

User Topic: Advice for a friend...
♀ 8296
Member # 8296
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a dear friend who I fear is being cheated on. After months of trying to get pregnant, her spouse came home and gave the whole routine that we all know so well.... "I'm not sure I love you anymore, not sure I ever did" lots of blameshifting and some of the most bizarre gaslighting I've every heard (like, "you helped me cook a meal, so therefore you rushed our relationship and that's why we got married").

My first gut (as well as my ex-WH) was.... oh... something is not right here, and sounds like the spouse is cheating.

I mentioned it to her, particularly in case she wanted to do a little investigation. I don't think she thinks it is even a possibility.

But the story is SO familiar. I can't help but think that if she at least knew, it could either provide explanation for the relationship problems, give her some explanation as to why her spouse is acting like such a tool, and a place to move forward from.

(as a side note, amazingly enough, I'm not triggering from all this. )

She was my friend when my spouse and I went through our "bad time," but I wasn't sharing what was going on with anyone in case we reconciled. So I kind of had to explain to her an abbreviated version of what happened and why I thought I had a pretty good idea as to what was going on.

I know for me, it was a huge relief when I found out - it provided clarity and a framework to understand why my world has gone crazy. But I can't force her to look at it. I'm not even comfortable sending her here (although I did send her the 180 rules, deleting out all refs to cheating spouses) because she's not ready to consider the cheating angle.

Any advice?

Posts: 1316 | Registered: Sep 2005
♀ 14003
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you've done everything you can. She's not ready to face the possibility of infidelity and you can't make her see it at this point. You'll just need to be there to help support her when the time comes.

A wise woman once said "fuck this shit" and she lived happily ever after.

If someone keeps stabbing you in the back, then quit handing them the knife.

Posts: 17640 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
♀ 8271
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You planted the seed. She'll start noticing things that she wouldn't have noticed before you brought it up.

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson

Posts: 6064 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Southeast
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A set of our closest couple friends are in a bad patch and I have a very icky sense that he is cheating. I just...uck. But I have nothing to go on but my creepy gut.

Anywho, you've planted that seed and I do think it might be all you can do. Or, maybe send her a few investigation links and resources. I've used the, "several of my friends have been through this and this was successful for them" approach. But I think mostly, when a BS is told their spouse might be cheating, they react with negativity much of the time. It's crazy, our own fog.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 8014 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 4

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