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Asil0623 posted 7/24/2014 09:21 AM

Can someone direct me to, or repost the recovery timeline? I know I saw it somewhere but I can't recall. I am 4 months out from his total admission of the affair but really know in my heart that something wasn't right since Dec. 2, 2013. I guess that makes it 7 months. R started out well but began to go downhill by 2 months in. I have gone through a tsunami of emotions, and he is back to fence sitting (not seeing AP but not sure about saving the M). I know my anxiety puts him in this "She's never going to get over this" funk. I, in turn, worry he's hiding something again (emotions, thoughts, contact?) It is a vicious cycle. I would love a guide that shows a timeline of stages in R. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? He's not the ideal WH that actually tries to work on things. He's leaving me to do the work. I think I'm done being the only one working as I know that won't result in anything. I'd like to know if the ambivalence hangs around a while in early R.

Rebreather posted 7/24/2014 11:11 AM

I've never seen a recovery timeline before. I don't think one exists. It is generally accepted that it takes 2-5 years to recover. However, that clock is set from the last known hurt. I'd say your clock hasn't even started yet since you husband is fence sitting.

I'm glad you mentioned getting tired of this, because the method you've ussed to date isn't a likely one for success. Why does he get to be in the driver's seat? Why isn't he on his knees begging you to give him a chance, and that he'll do anything? Why hasn't he freely offered up transparency and accountability?

Sorry I'm not being more "postive." I just don't want you short selling yourself. You deserve so much more.

Lovedyoumore posted 7/24/2014 11:36 AM

Google Kubler-Ross stages of grief. Very similar to A recovery stages. The time line generally spoken of here is the A time line provided by the WS.

Your H should be experiencing grief along side of you. If you do not see this in him, maybe his efforts are just to appease you and not a true acceptance of his A and its effects on your M. Problems can exist when grief healing moves at different paces for individuals, much as what happens between siblings when a parent dies.

I am afraid your healing and timeline is stuck due to your H and his ambivalence toward your M. Until he is all in, you will not move forward.

[This message edited by Lovedyoumore at 12:35 PM, July 24th (Thursday)]

inshockandhurt posted 7/24/2014 12:09 PM

There is a timeline of sorts in the healing library. Remember though that this experience is different for everyone so don't get too set on what the timeline says.

Asil0623 posted 7/25/2014 14:11 PM

Thank you to all. I agree, he is not doing his part of R. Time to go back to the old drawing board, or find a lawyer. Sick of this...