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I feel like I am dying

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gottabeabiggirl posted 7/24/2014 14:28 PM

Ug. I know what I need to do. Its just so much harder than saying it out loud to people.

I got all my husbands account info from him, well the accounts he wanted me to see. Of course they are cleaned up. He admits to deleting some of the stuff between him and the OW (my friend). So I asked her for what she had.

She had deleted more than him! So now I am being lied to by both people. My husband swears up and down he didnt delete anything else from his account, even stuff I know about that he doesn't know I know. He keeps copies of everything, they have got to be somewhere on his computer. Hes a hacker though and there is never any way I could even get into his computer let alone find his stuff. He has special programs to hide things, I just never thought it was from me.

Honestly some of what I saw wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. If thats all there is then I could be overreacting to that part of it. But I will never know if there is more because there is no way to get any of what was deleted back. And I can't forgive him falling in love with her and professing it to her in person, apologizing to her for his actions but never telling me, never caring about his injured wife and how she would feel. I just can't go on knowing he had this crush and let it get the better of him and turn into more with a friend and then lie about it.

I hate that my friend is now lying to me. I really will never know her involvement. Everything I saw of both of theres it was all him being weird and her redirecting stuff back to me and him and talking about me. But she has stuff missing. She is the one that told me immediately after he professed his feelings to her in person and amped up his messages to her and I fully trusted her.

So now my Husband who can't show remorse and has to lie and continue to hide things and swear up and down he isn't has to go.

I have no idea how to get that in motion. I am such an asshole for doing this on a work day. He just gets so upset with me when he is around and I bring up his accounts or anything, I havent felt safe enough to do it with him home. But I know I shouldnt risk both our careers by causing a huge fight mid day. So immature I could smack myself.

He doesnt even care anymore anyway, is just willing to accept it as over, thats it the end. I must really not be worth fighting for. That kills me.

seethelight posted 7/24/2014 14:37 PM

Maybe he knows he's the one that's not worth fighting for.

You have experienced a double betrayal. Your friend and your husband, who should be a best friend.

I am so sorry.

Unless and until, he cuts contact with this woman, you need to do whatever it takes to protect yourself.

Reconciliation can not be real until, he ends his affair.

He gets some leeway to be in the fog, but the affair still has to end.

Your behavior is NORMAL under such a stressful situation, please stop beating yourself up.

Please see an attorney, too. He is spending money on this OW.

gottabeabiggirl posted 7/24/2014 14:53 PM

They have cut contact, she was the one to initiate that. I mean I guess I can't be sure 100% but I truly believe that she didnt want anything more to do with it after she came forward to me.

We have no shared accounts or assets and recently got married after living together for over 7 years. I have the divorce papers and the fee is less than $300 and since we have so little tied to each other, I could file it myself and pay the fee and have it done. Unless he fights it, which I dont think he will, it will be cheap.

Its more the emotional aspect of starting it. I dont know how to let go fully, to really make it final. Hes been trying a lot more recently but still its not enough and I am reaching me end. No kids, no assets, I am young. My head says leave my heart says no. Stupid heart.

gottabeabiggirl posted 7/24/2014 14:53 PM

Also I am sorry... I am not making a lot of sense right now. Need to take some deep breaths and get some food and back into work. Just so much stress and pain, hard to keep thoughts straight.

Thanks for the reply.

seethelight posted 7/24/2014 15:09 PM


You are making sense.

All your posts make perfect sense.

I can't agree with your logic.

You can always divorce and then let him date you, if he fights for you hard enough.

MissMouseMo posted 7/24/2014 15:24 PM

Here's my take:

You said, "He just gets so upset with me when he is around and I bring up his accounts or anything,..."
Gotta, he has ZERO right to be upset with you about bringing up his accounts, even asking him to review them with you for clarity, for reassurance, for answers - for ANYTHING you need right now, particularly this early on. He needs to be begging to make sure he hasn't burned his bridges. This should be him at his absolute best and most contrite, trying to keep you from walking out.

His most important job right now is to repair the marriage and if he is pissy about it, I think that speaks volumes about him - and about how much YOU matter to him. He is more interested in keeping himself comfortable than making sure YOU are ok.

"I havent felt safe enough to do it with him home." He should be *encouraging* you in what you need from him, not just tolerating it and darn sure not creating a hostile or dismissive environment in your own home - EVER, over ANYTHING, but particularly over you taking rational steps to understand what has gone on. You need what you need to heal, and he needs to not just give it to you but *offer* it, *volunteer* it - think of it first because he's putting YOU first, not himself.

I know these sound impossible, but there are people out there who have had affairs, realized with horror what they have done, and committed to repairing the terrible damage they have inflicted.

You shouldn't be settling for shabby treatment this early in a "marriage" (yes, I put it in quotation marks, because really, is this a marriage by your definition??)

You are NOT being immature. You have been sideswiped and you're still picking up the pieces to see if the whole mess is totaled or if there is something that can be salvaged. But frankly, it's time for him to step up and start taking care of you since you were the one with the critical injuries in this wreck.

[This message edited by MissMouseMo at 3:25 PM, July 24th (Thursday)]

gottabeabiggirl posted 7/24/2014 17:32 PM

Well he rushed home from work and made it plenty clear there are accounts he is not giving over. He claims it as a personal journal but says there are things there that "will make you leave me". Wouldnt even show me there was no communication going on. I dont want to read his stuff just see he isnt being deceitful.

He packed his stuff so he is ready to go next time I "threaten" divorce and give an ultimatum. Im not trying to threaten just trying to tell him I am at that point nearly and if he doesnt stop I will go over the edge and we are done. I guess it is a threat but it me pleading with him more than anything.

So instead of let him decide when to go and have stuff ready to go to unnerve me, I have packed up my stuff and am leaving now. I will have to come back to feed our pets but I cannot do this anymore, he is such a jerk about it.

And yeah flat out admitting he refuses to give up his privacy because I am "overreacting" to his interactions with my friend, which he says is absolutely not cheating because there was no sex and I need to get over that.

Crying mess, packing my car. Thanks to everyone.

Schadenfreude posted 7/24/2014 17:43 PM

Six months and he's in an affair of unknown duration and unknown involvement. I suspect it started before you got married, but how can you know?

You are right. D is much easier now than it will be later.

He is a control freak. He lost his privacy when he got married and had an A. Sorry, WH, but that's how it is.

Lying, secrecy to the point of paranoia, cheating.....not much in the plus side of his ledger, is there?

You have to think of you in the future. Next year, five years from now, or later. Is that how you want to live?

No remorse? He hasn't even apologized,,has he? If you have an hour or so to spend, read the longest thread here (it's,on page 2 now) and see what happens to the spouse who cannot see what the cheating spouse really is. There are other stories, too, that may help,you see what you have to look forward to.

Finally, study up on the 180 from Healing Library. It is to,help you detach from the unremorseful spouse for,your own mental health. The sooner you detach, the less hurt you'll suffer.

craig2001 posted 7/24/2014 17:56 PM

but says there are things there that "will make you leave me".
He is being very contradictory actually. He will not show you these records because he is afraid you will leave him. But he has his bags ready to go if you threaten divorce.

R is all about transparency. I am not sure I know what you are trying to look at. Are these his bank account records?

If so, there could be a lot in there that he might not want you to see that have nothing to do with the OW.

Or are these texts and emails?

Being so secretive really makes it hard to ever trust someone again.

MissWhoKnew posted 7/24/2014 19:30 PM


I'm am so sorry for the pain you are going through. It is truly a pain only someone with same experience can understand the devastation of your whole being.

I was always the peace maker, my WH the one quick to get mad. When I confronted him about texting for 7 months with a 30 yr old stripper....He turned it on me that we just wrong to check on him like that and threatened to leave. This went on over basically a 4 yr period. He felt he wasn't cheating as long as they didn't have intercourse. I'm not sure the frame of mind you have to be in to make that leap!!

It wasn't until I finally decided that enough was enough. Being by myself couldn't be worse than the way he made me feel. When he realized I actually would end it...seriously end it and walk away...He started to come around. The fog had started lifting. He has become remorseful. It has taken some work to get there. IC has been very helpful. Best of luck and hugs!

MissMouseMo posted 7/24/2014 20:39 PM

I know you are feeling gutted right now, but I'm so proud of you. Courage is doing the right thing even when you're fearful.

It sounds funny, but taking care of yourself is really about taking care of a very nice girl - a girl who really is worth your tender care to make sure she is ok.

Take strength - it's hard, but he is showing you who he is over and over and over. He is protecting himself, not you, so you have to be make sure your heart is safe.


Cally60 posted 7/25/2014 02:50 AM

Take strength - it's hard, but he is showing you who he is over and over and over. He is protecting himself, not you, so you have to be make sure your heart is safe.

Having read all of the messages you've posted on SI up until now, I have to say that I completely agree with what MissMouseMo wrote.

I, too, am so very glad that you've summoned up the courage to leave. I understand how hard it must be for you, but I am certain that leaving is the right thing for you to do. You deserve far, far better than the marriage that you have with this selfish and apparently uncaring man.

I'm so sorry for your pain and misery now. But you have almost your entire adult life ahead of you. And when you meet the man who truly loves and cares for you, as you undoubtedly will, I am sure that you will look back on this horrible time and be unbelievably glad that you made the brave, but oh so difficult, decision to walk out and start anew.


Ostrich80 posted 7/25/2014 03:07 AM

Gotta...I'm so sorry your in so much pain and he's doing nothing to help. Selective in what he shows you, blatantly telling you there's things you cannot see because you may leave him. It almost sounds like he's daring you to kick him out.
I would never tell someone to D but he's not remorseful. You feel like your dying cuz he's mindf**king you. Threatening to leave if you say the wrong thing. By the way, you are NOT overreacting. That word is used by many ws to make you back off. So he will stay only if you abide by his rules, and his rules are not fair to you. I'm wondering if this A started before your M. I think you've just touched the tip of the iceberg on he and your former friend. I hope your not talking to her or listening to any of her lame excuses for betraying you.. please take care of yourself and think about what advice you would give a friend/sister if they were in your situation. Take care

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