I used to like me. I was kind. I used to trust and believe the best in people. Now I'm cynical, bitter and suspicious. I don't recognize this person I've become. I can be rocking along actually having a pretty decent day when something so small and insignificant pops up and I begin to spiral out of control. Sometimes slowly coasting downhill but, more often than not, it's like an explosion. It just feels like there is no stopping it. My heart pounds until I think I can feel the veins in my neck bulge out and awful, hurtful things spew from my mouth that I'm instantly embarrassed or ashamed of myself for saying. Ive kicked doors and slammed cabinets so hard I couldn't believe they didn't splinter. I'm sporting a bruise on my arm right now as the result of slamming my wrist against the door in a blind fit of rage while throwing his clothes out of my bedroom. I'm not even sure I remember what ignited the fire. This isn't an everyday occurrence but, even at once every couple or three weeks it leaves my head spinning and I'm struggle to right myself again.
This is SO far from who I am. I am strong. I have survived every parents worst fear in losing my six year old daughter to a brain tumor. I watched a perfectly healthy 5 year decline into an invalid before she finally died in under nine months. I lived through it and, actually learned how to be happy again but, I can't seem to console myself now. I still can't believe that this is where I've spent my life getting to. Where is that happily ever after stuff I've heard so much about?
I'm admittedly a little high strung but, always professional and tempered when at work but, when I go home the gloves come off. I have invested the last 37 years of my life into a marriage that ultimately feels like it has finally flatlined even tho WH has tried harder than he ever has. I think its just too little too late. He was living two separate lives and I'm doing good to be able to deal with one.
So much disappointment, sadness, resentment all balled up into a fireball of rage. My thoughts are fragmented and I can't remember what happened yesterday much less last week. I'm worn out and just need be reminded that being re molded and transformed into a new person is painful but, hopefully, will make all the difference is going forward.
This spilt personality is getting the best of me. That other woman that is sharing my body with me really needs to go.
I wish I had some wisdom...all I can say, is I am so damn sorry . Losing a child I just cannot imagine the pain of that.
And then this, the betrayal.
I understand how you feel on that. I don't feel like myself either. I get angry now, I am so impatient now, I just don't feel like me. I have to fight to keep myself in control.
Happily ever after, I get that too. I used to tell my stbxwh, "if I had to go through all this pain to get to life with you,it was worth it".
It seems to me there should be a limit to the pain in ones life, a quota. When it is reached, enough, just enough.
I could just feel the pain in your words. I wish I could help in some way.
I can only hope that you have someone in real life to hold onto, to reach out to.
I am just feeling your pain and wish I could do something to ease it.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie
Mindisgone-im sorry for your loss too. Losing my daughter was the hardest mountain ive ever climbed.....until now. I have been able to deal with it and have a peace that she is in a better place although I will never be able to understand why as long as I live. Thats part of the problem here I think. Its insane to me that there is absolutely no rational explanation for things that can be so devastating. Some things will just never make sense.
Thanks again for your encouragement.
[This message edited by outtanowhere at 7:08 PM, July 24th (Thursday)]
Today I spent an intense session with a psychiatrist. Previously I was seeing a therapist but it wasn't doing any good at all. I am much like you - angry and can't seem to control it. Crying jags that leave me exhausted. I gave up on the therapist about 6 weeks ago because she actually said my husband didn't cheat on me because he had an emotional affair instead of a physical one. WTF??? I have been thinking I need medication but already take an anti-depressant so just figured I needed to "feel" all this and move on. BUT....Monday afternoon I found myself in the fetal position on the floor in our closet and knew I had to get some help. I knew something was wrong with me - really wrong. I feel sometimes like I'm living outside my body, like none of this is happening, like I'm truly disassociated with my body and life.
So, in meeting with an actual psychiatrist today I was diagnosed with "Disassociative Trauma Disorder with Emotional and Conduct Imbalance." This is directly related to my husband's EA and the resulting devastation to our marriage. It is much like PTSD but with PTSD there is typically a death involved.
It sounds like perhaps this is what has happened to you. I don't know if you have an IC but they cannot prescribe medicine and may not be able to provide you with the level of care you need if this is what has happened to you. Please find a licensed psychiatrist to help.
I am so, so sorry about the loss of your precious daughter. You are a strong woman - the loss of a child is devastating and you are still standing. God bless you and comfort you.
Today i started the ball rolling for the divorce, and now, when he's coming with stupid excuses, I know that, not too far in the future, I won't be associated with him anymore, and that's a huge relief. This mad rage is part of me for the moment, but hopefully, when this traumatic chapter of my life closes, the rage will disappear too.
Divorcing. And pretty happy about it. Freedom!!! :)
This mad rage is part of me for the moment, but hopefully, when this traumatic chapter of my life closes, the rage will disappear too.
I think you are right about this. Sadly, it's taken me a year and a half to come to this conclusion. I guess I just had to know if this was really a deal breaker. I'm afraid it was. So many years just flushed down the toilet.
Make sure you see a psychiatrist. They are the only mental health people that can prescribe drugs. A psychologist cannot.
You are strong believe me. I didn't think I was either. My psychiatrist told me today I AM strong. Just because I'm a hot mess, emotional, angry, and in terrible pain that doesn't mean I'm not strong. She said all my feelings are normal and expected, and that I need to realize that being devastated isn't a sign of weakness.
Hang tough. I know how I feel after 18 years of marriage and having this happen. I can't imagine having in 37 years and have it happen. WTF is wrong with these people?????
WTF is wrong with these people?????
God, I wish I knew! The insanity of it all is mind bending isn't it?
I hate the person I have become and I fear I will never get back to the person I once was.
BS (me) 40
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years
4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA
Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids
I always thought I was enough but obviously not!
[This message edited by stunnedmullet at 7:14 AM, July 25th (Friday)]
That's what I'm hoping for. I want to have a better version of me. Sadly, I think there will need to be more hurt and pain before that happens so I get somewhat depressed about that. I'm getting very close to 60 years old, have worked for 35 years and I now find myself in bankruptcy. Long story but, when I clear that hurdle I'm fairly sure the next one will be D. Long, long way to go yet....I could use some prayers
I don't like this "me" very much.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Side note, I'm so, so sorry to hear about the loss of your child. I watch my best friend go through this years ago, and it was absolutely heartbreaking. I can't even imagine.
It's just not that simple.
Like you and m.i.g, I also lost a child and lived through it, only to be floored by betrayal. In some ways, I think this hurts more. My son's death was was a fluke, a twist of fate. The betrayal was a deliberate choice by my WH.
Hang on and believe it will get better.
I am on year 4. Year one was a blur. Years two & three were very, angry, red hot rage years. I said and thought things that I would never before. I constantly played mind movies in my head. I was nauseous around him. Could not look him in the eye.
Over the last 6 months I have come to realize that (for me), my anger has served a purpose: it protects me from getting hurt again. If I stay angry, I can't get close -- so he can't hurt me.
He has not acted out. He attends SAA mtgs, IC & MC. He is doing everything he can to be a better man. He IS is different man now. But I cannot get past what he did. The number of women. The risks he took. The lies. The humiliation I feel.
You are NOT psychotic. You most likely have PTSD. You are still grieving. No one knows about my situation except my best friend. I feel like my husband that I knew has died, I am grieving, and nobody knows. You need to feel this pain now to get to the other side. I promise it will get better. You are NOT crazy. You have survived so much already. I wish I could give you a big hug and just sit and cry with you.