I have been scouring the forums and trying to read everything- and in my attempt to do that I am noticing that women seem to be more forgiving of the affair and more willing to reconcile than men
I disagree, but assuming for the sake of argument that what you are saying is accurate...so? What does that have to do with anything? Your acts are your acts, and the fallout is the fallout. That's a risk you willingly took. Have you come clean yet?
I hate what I have done
I'll be honest - it isn't going to be easy based on anecdotal evidence. It takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity. Not months, years. So are you ready for the long haul?
Regardless of the gender, you will need to go through ALL the correct steps to even hope for reconciliation. There are no short cuts, especially with gender.
Currently living apart, unsure of reconciliation. In IC.
There are a LOT of formerly betrayed men on this site who have chosen to reconcile. Once we're in this situation, there are NO easy roads for any of us, wayward or betrayed. So, it's not going to be easy, but it has to be done.
Welcome to SI. I'm glad you're here and I hope you stick around.
No matter what you do, it isn't going to be easy.... but then.. what did you expect was going to happen?
I agree that forgiveness is not gender specific. And it's not fair to make assumptions, you might be surprised.
I think telling the truth is about respecting the BS as a person - not about trying to save anything. It's about allowing the BS to finally make their own choices knowing the reality they've been living in.
Whether or not the BS choose to try and R (and many who consider themselves reconciled have not forgiven or do not know if they ever will) depends likely on a whole number of things and not so much being male or female.
For me, considering R had to do with who I knew my husband to be before the affair... and his immediate actions to follow through with any and everything I needed to even consider R. That he seemed relieved to have been found out and be able to be done with it. That he seemed to be genuinely remorseful. That although he TT some aspects of it, he gave me the truth and didn't drag that devastating pain out. It did take him about 9 hours though to admit to both affairs and the basic details. It took him hitting a point where his defenses fell and I could tell he was finally shattered as well, that the truth waterfall started. It was in those moments I saw a glimmer of a chance we might R. He gave me full transparency. I asked him to read a book, he read it twice within 2 days and read it 2 more times within the next week. I told him to set up IC, he had it scheduled within the hour of me saying it. I told him to find a new job, he had 30 apps out the next morning. I told him to sell his truck, he sold it the next morning and had me pick whatever we would replace it with. He went NC immediately and made sure to go over what he would say in the NC calls with me.
He was done. He was done the moment I asked him "whose number is this"
That, who he was, his actions afterwards, his remorse, his empathizing my pain - those all factored into my decision to try and R.
I think it's also important to think about that it seems like this board has a larger percentage of females than males. That may skew any idea of who tries to R.
My husband did tell me if it were reversed he would not have talked to me at all except to tell me to get out, and he has thanked me every day for giving him one more day to prove how sorry he is and fix this.
My stories are these. 14 years ago my XWGF cheated on me in an extremely horrible way, in order to emotionally destroy me. Masochist that I am, I went back and tried to R for 4 years.
Last night, my wife got home and admitted to an EA. First words out of my mouth were MC. First word from hers was D . Of course it "didn't have anything to do with HIM". It was because of "other things".
So take that as you will. Some men do, some men don't. Some women do, some women don't.
Be remorseful, pledge to do all that he requests, and follow through, and there's a chance.
I am noticing that women seem to be more forgiving of the affair and more willing to reconcile than men
Another thing you'll hear a lot here is "Let go of the outcome."
But either way, you have to tell. When I was first reading about my healing as a wayward. All of the documents, books, blogs, etc. said "Tell the truth to your BS" and I thought "no thats for her healing, but what about mine?" well after I came clean, wow did I feel better. I am not going to minimize this, because at that moment, when I took the chains and shackles off of me, I transferred them to my BS. So be ready to fight for yourself, your BS, and your M. Do not let this be an excuse to not tell, all that will do is destroy possibilities on intimacy and soul-to-soul communication with your BS.
ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)
I do not PM with Women
When a WH is the sole breadwinner, there can be an additional force for BW to forgive for the sake of stability. In todays world when both spouses can earn pretty well, seems to be a moot point.
I think if anyone can envision a future, there is hope of forgiveness for reconciliation otherwise its just forgiveness for the sake of civility.
anyone not willing to forgive at some point will only keep the barbed wire fully seated in their hearts and poison their life forever
respectfully, step (BH)
[This message edited by steppingup at 9:37 AM, July 25th (Friday)]