SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

sarahstar posted 7/24/2014 19:27 PM

I am so grateful for this site. Infidelity is such a private thing that you can't talk about it with friends and family. Sometimes I wish I could but I don't want people to know what he did and I don't want people to know I have stayed with him after he betrayed me. Our friends think he is a wonderful man that loves me unconditionally, little do they know that he betrayed me on different levels for nearly our entire marriage and that is over 25years. This forum is like an addiction for me at the moment. A place I don't feel alone. A place I feel I can say whatever I like without feeling like I will be judged. Don't get me wrong, I have fantastic friends but this is something I find very private and not something I could even talk to a counsellor about. So I just wanted to say thankyou to those that post and those that started this site for both the betrayed and wayward spouses.
BS me 45
WH him 46
married over 25yrs
dday 10-6-14
caught with a prostitute

healingroad posted 7/24/2014 19:35 PM

(((sarahstar)))

I hope things go well for you. I hope you know that whether you talk to friends, family, or anyone is your decision. You have no obligation to your WH to protect his dirty little secret. If talking would help your healing process I'd recommend you do so without worrying at all about WH's reputation or opinion.

RidingHealingRd posted 7/24/2014 19:41 PM

I too decided to share my WH infidelity with only my IC. I did not do this to spare him any pain or embarrassment but rather to spare myself the humiliation of his disgusting actions. Of course I know I should not feel humiliated by HIS actions but for me this is impossible.

We have been in successful R for 3+ years and I am SO thankful for my decision not to tell people. Now, when friends/relative see him I feel very comfortable that they are not thinking, "Look at that f*&king asshole, what a POS ~ She should have left that cheater"

simplydevastated posted 7/24/2014 19:45 PM

I know not telling people makes it difficult and also makes this a lonely road; however, sometimes it's for the best. If R is truly what you want, you don't want people judging that decision. That will making R'ing that much more difficult. Especially people who have never experienced infidelity. They mean well, but the advice they give is crap, sorry to say.

My cousin knows and sometimes I wish I kept my mouth shut. She never liked him and when we've talked she's always had colorful words to say about him. I don't need that. We're not R'ing, but he's still the father of my children. He should get a little respect for that, no matter how much I hate him.

heme posted 7/24/2014 22:51 PM

I haven't told anyone other than his family and only because he was being so vague about what was happening between us I got pissed off. Worked so "well", they said one thing to my face and after reading the e-mails they sent him a totally different thing to him.

My friends are all military spouses or members since WH is in the military and I use to be. A few of the women I know/am friends with are married to people within his chain of command. It could jeopardize our ability to provide for our family if his command found out. So I can't tell them.

My family hates the fact I got married and told me I wasn't worth anything and could never keep a man happy. As you can probably imagine the only thing that telling my family would do is to cause more pain.

So Im stuck in my little bubble as well. Its one of the hardest things about this, Im so alone.

Not.the.Big.Easy posted 7/24/2014 23:51 PM

Heme,

I know how much it sucks, my wife just had an EA then came home yesterday and wants a divorce. We'd be 8yrs in Sept together 9 too. I can't have kids so dump him and be with me...only kidding. I'm so sorry about your situation. It sucks when few people know and the ones that do aren't supportive. In my first time through here (well, close to here) 14 years ago, all of her family members knew what happened and while they empathized with what I was going through, the fully supported her, and continued to hide the continuing affair from me. I really should go to bed. To much sadness today mixed with anxiety meds and a week without sleep makes a persons perceptions a bit wonky. Night all. hugs and kisses

LosferWords posted 7/25/2014 00:13 AM

sarahstar - One of the best bits of advice that I gleaned from this site early on is that if you tell somebody, you can't "untell" them. To this day, I still think that is great advice.

I have only told one friend, and my wife has only told a couple of family members.

It can be very isolating at times, but not telling certain folks can have its advantages - that is completely up to you to decide.

I am so glad you found us here, and that you are comfortable talking to us.

We're here for you.

Ostrich80 posted 7/25/2014 02:50 AM

I'm glad you feel comfortable here. I've told a few friends and my sisters but sometimes I wish I hadn't. I was more embarrassed by staying with a cheater than ppl knowing my ws was a cheater. Seems like some IRL judge sometimes for not kicking them out but here you get more understanding on that subject. It's a shitty place to be in but hey at least we are all in it together

stronger08 posted 7/25/2014 04:02 AM

I wanted to keep my XWW's infidelity a secret too. And I did it for many months after D-day. In my case it was very counterproductive as it allowed her to start spewing lies about me behind my back and to be perfectly honest it also assisted with my denial of the whole situation. I am one of the folks here who believe that the BS fog exists. Secrets are like pouring water into a balloon. Sooner or later that MoFo is going to burst and get you wet. But that's my personal opinion and like another poster said you cant un-tell after its done. I am also a firm believer in consequences for a WS. And the truth should be one of them. Public shame goes a long way in motivating a WS to change his/her ways. I have seen it here many times where a BS keeps the secret and the WS simply does not change. Because they have no reason to change. KWIM ?

BlueBlueEyes posted 7/25/2014 04:24 AM

I agree that this is my private place too. I've only told my sister, my best friend who felt she was harboring the enemy when wS stayed with her and her husband(smile) and my adult kids who were unfortunately at my home the fun day I found the emails and called the cops. I feel pretty humiliated too. I know it's his fault but people always make comments about the wife not taking care of her husband so... Nothing could be farther from the truth, but perception and rush to judgement by others isn't something I can add to this mess right now.

[This message edited by BlueBlueEyes at 4:25 AM, July 25th (Friday)]

sunny58 posted 7/25/2014 09:26 AM

Like you, I’m grateful for this site. I come here several times a day. I feel so embarrassed and humiliated about the predicament that I find myself in that I have kept it my secret. I also feel all alone and the only way I can express my true feelings are here.

I know many of you are attempting R and I commend you for that. My WH desperately wants to but I can’t deal with him or it any longer. I have accepted what WH has done and just want to work on me now.

HurtingandLost posted 7/25/2014 10:03 AM

I am grateful to this site for all of the reasons outlined above. After first Dday I told FIL and asked if he could put her up, he said no screw her and then called everyone to share. To this day my stbx wants little to nothing to do with her Dad's family, and I hold the bag exclusively on that.

SI is definitely helped in all of that regard. I can ramble / vent / get advice from others in the same boat, and in my rare sane moments pay it forward to another BS.

hopefull77 posted 7/25/2014 10:13 AM

Read the book the secret of surviving infidelity by scot haltzman.... he uses the word secret because many choose to keep it that way....
Good luck!

seethelight posted 7/25/2014 10:19 AM

I think it's best not to tell your family members because they will want to protect you and will give all sorts of advice that may or may not be helpful.

With that said, I do so understand how isolating it is not to be able to tell.

None of our family members know and some local friend found out through local gossip.

Still, we have out of state friends who don't know.

When, they start to tell me what a great guy my husband is, particularly if a wife says something like "your husband is such a great guy", it just makes me feel so alone.

My husband always projects a nice guy image, it's important to him, but these days it just seem so phony and somewhat manipulative to me.

It's as if he is trying to impress these friend's wives with what a great husband he is, but the truth is he is not such a great husband, nor even a very nice guy.

gottabeabiggirl posted 7/25/2014 11:28 AM

My friend when she came forward with what my WH had been doing consulted all our other friends first. I kind of didnt have a choice. My support network is my family and I had to tell them. He told his family.

Some people hate him but the people that matter to me most said if I choose to stay and work it out, they will support me and be civil to him.

Its just too hard to keep it all private sometimes and if people will stop being my friend or push me away from the family then they arent the support I need anyway.

MadOldBat posted 7/25/2014 12:22 PM

I too am so thankful that I stumbled upon this site.
It has helped me to process my own feelings so far.
I told my two BGFs (much edited highlights).
They were really, really supportive.
But one said "I've never known how you put up with x's(WH)behaviour" .... this related to other selfish behaviour rather than the latest crap.
I now feel a bit worse, and a bit of a fool.
We 3 have been really close friends for 20 years - she'd never volunteered this opinion before.
My other, wiser friend is a trained counsellor for The Samaritans, and has texted me to say we should meet up alone.
I haven't told anyone else (only you lot!) that I recently discovered he sleeps with filthy street prostitutes.
I also highly suspect other inappropriate stuff from cursory glance at his phone records.
I've told him that his lack of forthrightness and transparency and truthfulness about everything is guaranteeing our divorce. However, if he does tell me the entire truth about all the inappropriate situations he got himself into - it will give him a chance to save it.
No guarantees that telling me the entire truth will save our marriage, but each day that goes by is a day I move closer to severing our partnership.
The clock is ticking, but I am listening.
This was a phrase that i saw on SI, and it completely and utterly struck a chord with me when I am so shocked and numb that I can barely put two coherent thoughts together.
I simply cannot and will not spend the rest of my life monitoring him.
I would rather be own my own in abject poverty.
This site has really given me the foresight to see that my own optimistic, helpful and downright overall loveliness has enabled him to behave like an absolute tyrant.
I've told him, and he knew it was true.
He's said he can change, he's said a lot of things - what he hasn't said though, is the truth.
thanks for being here, even though it's horribleness that has brought us together.

peaceBmine posted 7/25/2014 12:27 PM

We have told NO ONE as of yet. It is very hard and I often feel like a "fake" and that I'm living a lie, but we are making the decision to keep it private (a secret really) one day at a time. For me the decision is more about protecting my children. We have many times discussed talking it over with them when they are ready to marry and after we have come thru reconciliation, but that is still to be determined. There are many days that I just want someone to talk to and cry with though so it is not an easy decision.

TrulyReconciled posted 7/25/2014 15:20 PM

I've only been here eleven years but I'd have to say that if you're planning to reconcile it can make that process more difficult if you tell people, especially family members.

sarahstar posted 7/25/2014 20:51 PM

Its definitely something I don't want my kids to find out about and like many of you, I am embarrassed that my husband did this and the fact the I have decided for the moment to reconcile, still shocks me. Everyone says to me how much he loves and adores me and how wonderful he is, no-one knows the hell I have been through with this 'wonderful' man. It hurts but it is still a private matter that I wouldn't friends to know. If we do work out then I wouldn't want anyone looking at either of us differently.

Mac4 posted 7/26/2014 01:01 AM

Sarahstar, you are right, you're not alone, and you can get some great advice and support here on SI.

My WW and I are working on R, and I think things are going as well as can be expected. We haven't really shared the A with any of our friends or family for the most part.

So last night we are having drinks with another couple, and they are telling us a story about another couple they knew that they thought had a great marriage. But then that husband had an A. Then our friend went on and on about what a terrible person this wayward husband was. Meanwhile, I'm wondering what would they think if they knew about my WW's behavior. So I'm glad we have kept things to ourselves.

Come here to talk.