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Triggerless grief

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FixYou71 posted 7/24/2014 22:53 PM

Tonight I want to run. No particular event sparked this feeling that I am aware of, I just feel heavy and sad. Some days just being near my H is almost too much (though I dont want to not be around him and he is very kind and affectionate). There is no specific thought process, no specific trigger, just a weighted ball of grief in my chest. It's so strange how some days the sadness and/or fear is about specific issues or thoughts and other days it is just such a heavy reality in general. That wanting to run feeling is me feeling so overwhelmed by reality and grief and that feeling that I just can't take it anymore. I feel so frickin' fragile and defensive like I'm expecting him to hurt me with the next thing he says or does. It is so exhausting being afraid and sad. If my H asked me what was wrong (which he did) I wouldn't even know how to answer (which I didn't). I just said I was tired...which I am. When I feel this sad sometimes I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I am so at the mercy of my mood. I want to be a strong confident woman and I feel the opposite and that really starts the ball rolling with my self esteem issues.
Not expecting any advice really. I know it's late and tomorrow starts the weekend. More of a sadness vent I guess.

musiclovingmom posted 7/24/2014 23:00 PM

I understand exactly how you feel. Out of seemingly nowhere I just feel sad. And sometimes it lasts for days. I do tell my H though. I just tell him I'm feeling sad and I'm not really sure why and that there isn't really a lot he can do to help. It usually starts a conversation at least. Sometimes it helps me to increase my time in the sun or my actual vitamin D intake. Hugs to you. There's no shame in feeling sad. Especially as recent as your latest dday was. I don't think I left the house except for necessities for at least 6 months.

[This message edited by musiclovingmom at 11:01 PM, July 24th (Thursday)]

movingforward26 posted 7/24/2014 23:15 PM

I feel exactly what you are feeling. When I am feeling that anxiety tight in my chest I remember that the past happened. I remember I had a choice to leave, I chosr to stay. With that choice I am learning that I have two options; first I can allow the pain to consume me and take ten steps backwards (and feel miserable at that) or I can focus on today. Today I triggered HARD. I stopped and I thought about who my H is today. I told myself it's okay to hurt, but I refuse to allow that hurt to set me back. What I would challenge you to do is really think about the changes your H has made. If you know in your heart he is trying, then push through with all you have. Think about the good, think about what future you can possibly have and lastly HOLD ON to the hope that your marriage will come out stronger.

I hope this helps you.
Again you are not alone.

peaceBmine posted 7/25/2014 06:38 AM

Ditto for me. Some days are great and others are terrible...with no discernable reason for the difference. The hardest part is trying to explain the swing to WH...hard to put into words when you can't figure it out yourself.

devasted30 posted 7/25/2014 07:55 AM

Last night was one of those nights for me. We were in bed and I was trying to get to sleep and, yep, it happened again. I started thinking. And it all came rushing back and I started to cry. I feel like I am walking with a black cloud above me. Sometimes I feel okay but there is always a little knot in my stomach. A tight feeling in my chest. I hate my new reality. My life will now forever be tainted with this. And I had no say in it. None at all because my coward WS wouldn't talk to me about what he was feeling. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
I would love to run away, but I know the black cloud will be with me no matter where I go.

forgivingnow posted 7/25/2014 08:45 AM

Triggerless grief....I woke up last night with nightmares, mind movies and began crying, shaking. The pain is unbearable sometimes. He held me, told me he loved me, it's just us, I got you.
And truly I feel what we have now, who we are and the love we have is wonderful, intense, passionate. But the pain of what he did is still within me.

Strength to everyone.

FixYou71 posted 7/25/2014 08:49 AM


I do tell my H though.

I try to communicate too but sometimes it just feels like I don't even know what to say. I feel like I'm always sad about some aspect of it and if I can't even point so a specific thing. I feel embarrassed I guess. It's hard to say I'm feeling heartbroken and vulnerable. I feel sometimes like if I do that I'm rubbing it in his face. I was disappointed too because as you suggested spending time in the sun...I have been all week. I've been working on our yard. It's frustrating when I'm really trying to distract myself and it's all still right there.

Good advice. While he has been kind and affectionate and compassionate (all wonderful things) he has only just started to do any tangible work (reading a book and trying to initiate communication more) , as in days ago. It has been over a year since dday#2 and almost 2 mos since dday#3 and I'm deathly afraid his efforts will be short term and/or will be the minimum he feels he can do to appease me. I appreciate it. I really do, I just need to see some long term effort (and see what that effort is) I guess before I can feel safe and relax.
I am able to have good days (or part or a day) and times where I feel more at ease with him so it's not like every minute of every day so there's that to be grateful for and I am.


The hardest part is trying to explain the swing to WH...hard to put into words when you can't figure it out yourself.

Exactly why I tend to keep it to myself. Like I said, I feel like I'm just rubbing it in. Maybe I shouldn't look at it that way. Then I feel bad for being distant but I don't know how to fix it.

I'm with you. Bed time is the worst. Just walking into my room at night stresses me out because I know as soon as I quiet down my mind will start reeling. Even if I fall asleep I wake back up a while later thinking. I try to distract my brain playing games on my phone or trying to respond to others' posts. I rarely get to sleep before 4 am.
Yes. The black cloud is affixed. My location is irrelevant.
I look forward to the day when the grief is processed and trust is restored and I no longer feel completely and utterly vulnerable.

I'm sorry you are all hurting and triggering and feeling these affects too.

FixYou71 posted 7/26/2014 01:17 AM

Sorry. I think I was typing responses when you were responding and I just now saw yours.
I am so sorry you are having nightmares and such unbearable sadness. It feels so contrary doesn't it, to feel such intense pain and sadness with a loving remorseful spouse right there? Man, this stuff is intense and consuming...of time and sleep and peace and joy etc. I am glad for you that your H is your comfort and that he is understanding and nurturing. Hard to believe but it really could be worse couldn't it?
May you sleep well and have peaceful dreams for a change.

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