I do tell my H though.
I try to communicate too but sometimes it just feels like I don't even know what to say. I feel like I'm always sad about some aspect of it and if I can't even point so a specific thing. I feel embarrassed I guess. It's hard to say I'm feeling heartbroken and vulnerable. I feel sometimes like if I do that I'm rubbing it in his face. I was disappointed too because as you suggested spending time in the sun...I have been all week. I've been working on our yard. It's frustrating when I'm really trying to distract myself and it's all still right there.
Good advice. While he has been kind and affectionate and compassionate (all wonderful things) he has only just started to do any tangible work (reading a book and trying to initiate communication more) , as in days ago. It has been over a year since dday#2 and almost 2 mos since dday#3 and I'm deathly afraid his efforts will be short term and/or will be the minimum he feels he can do to appease me. I appreciate it. I really do, I just need to see some long term effort (and see what that effort is) I guess before I can feel safe and relax.
I am able to have good days (or part or a day) and times where I feel more at ease with him so it's not like every minute of every day so there's that to be grateful for and I am.
The hardest part is trying to explain the swing to WH...hard to put into words when you can't figure it out yourself.
Exactly why I tend to keep it to myself. Like I said, I feel like I'm just rubbing it in. Maybe I shouldn't look at it that way. Then I feel bad for being distant but I don't know how to fix it.
I'm with you. Bed time is the worst. Just walking into my room at night stresses me out because I know as soon as I quiet down my mind will start reeling. Even if I fall asleep I wake back up a while later thinking. I try to distract my brain playing games on my phone or trying to respond to others' posts. I rarely get to sleep before 4 am.
Yes. The black cloud is affixed. My location is irrelevant.
I look forward to the day when the grief is processed and trust is restored and I no longer feel completely and utterly vulnerable.
I'm sorry you are all hurting and triggering and feeling these affects too.