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How to explain reconciliation to friends...

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918Mama posted 7/25/2014 03:13 AM

Struggling with finding the right words. Wondering if others have experienced this.

Tonight, I caught up with some out of town and life long friends. The last time we were together was in the throes of my living nightmare, I had separated from by husband and very much had a FTG mentality.

Obviously a lot has changed since then and when the question inevitably came up, I struggled with how to answer that yes, we are back together.

There's too much that's happened to even try to explain but I said something along the lines of how much stuff we've been through and how hard my husband has worked through all of it to prove he loves me and wants to be with me.

To which one of my friends quickly asked "and not the dispatcher(s)?"

It really hurt!! And I know it came from a place of protection and not wanting to hurt me but I still was caught offguard. How do you even explain staying with someone who has caused such mortal wounds?? I'm at a loss...

[This message edited by 918Mama at 3:14 AM, July 25th (Friday)]

gonogo1 posted 7/25/2014 03:57 AM

You can't explain it to people who have not been through it .Just like the comment I had "Are you fully reconciled? "try to explain that one .I don't talk to people now who have not been through a reconciliation themselves .My main comment now is only" It's a process"

tired girl posted 7/25/2014 09:13 AM

I had a few friends that didn't really understand my desire to work on things until they saw me start to be happy again. Once they saw that I was going to be ok with this, and that he really was changed, then they were good with it. Sometimes it comes from a place of not wanting to see you hurt.

I don't know that you can explain to them why we choose to R, some people would never make that choice, others would have to go through it to understand. I think we have to be understanding with our friends that just don't want to see us hurt anymore.

Tearsoflove posted 7/25/2014 11:49 AM

I've never understood the need to explain romantic choices to friends. Do you expect an explanation from your friends when they make decisions in their romantic lives? Maybe my friendships are superficial but my friends don't get an explanation of my decisions in my marriage or with my children.

Rebreather posted 7/25/2014 11:55 AM

I think many people don't get it, can't get it. Especially those who saw us in the horror of the early days. My friends have been quite supportive, but they often don't quite "get it", either. Last summer one told me I should get over it after I mentioned something that triggered me in passing. I realized I needed to not bring it up with that friend or end the friendship. Cause I can't be told that.

Anyway, I usually say something like you did, that it was hard and painful, but he turned himself inside out to earn a place in my life and I am glad I gave it a shot because our relationship is nothing like anyting I'd previously experienced.

catlover50 posted 7/25/2014 14:20 PM

I only told four of my friends and none of my family. All of them have been very supportive and have "forgiven" my H after seeing the changes he has made. My best friend was sceptical at first but said she just wants me to be happy and will support whatever choice I make. She has taken my H aside and spoken to him; he expressed deep remorse to her.

I will say that they don't necessarily understand how long this takes and the rollercoaster nature of it (but I thought you were doing so well!). So I tend to bring my triggers here or to my IC (who regularly reminds me not to try to rush the process) and not so much to my friends.

But I have been able to help other friends when they have gone through this; one woman said I was the only one who made any sense. And I saved her a lot of money by getting her in touch with my PI, who quickly got pictures of her (lying) husband so he was not entitled to spousal support.

(((918Mama)))

wert posted 7/25/2014 14:30 PM

This is going to sound harsh, but I really thought I found out exactly who my real friends were during the process. Some people I don't speak to anymore. Some called my W really bad names which were true, but saw the effort and listened to me and worked through it. Several of those folks have told me how proud they are of both of us.

Explain it the best you can and that sounds like what you have done. Then answer there questions. That is what I did. Some did fall by the wayside though.

take care...

918Mama posted 7/25/2014 15:08 PM

Thanks everyone.

I definitely have weeded out the true friends from the fake ones through this whole process. And I have to say, I have amazing and supportive friends.

This particular cast of characters are my blood. We've been friends since childhood and these are life long bonds. These are the people that bury bodies in the desert for you. These are the friends who know every wart and love you anyway.

So, I've had a much easier time explaining and getting support from the people who have become part of my adult life. And these friends aren't unsupportive. It would be the same reaction I would have if this had happened to them. Or my kids. This is "wait, I would totally take a bullet for you or push this guy off a cliff for what he did and now you're back together?? Why?"

And I'm all...um...

I need to be able to articulate it. Not just for them but for me too. I need to understand why and it has to be bigger than "for my family" or "cuz he loves me".

All of this is said with an absolute understanding of "I don't own nothin' to no one" and I get that it's my life, my business.

I think I just need to sort it in my own mind as clearly I was unprepared to answer.

[This message edited by 918Mama at 3:09 PM, July 25th (Friday)]

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