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hope and learning to listen.

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littlemiss1 posted 7/25/2014 03:20 AM

Lately I feel I'm learning things about our relationship I couldnt see before.

The a was entirely his fault and he acknowledges this.
He's started Ic, nc since he confessed,total transparency,helping me,looks at me with such love,doting dad.

I can see how hard he's trying. Talk of affair makes him cry and he hates mentioning it,yet he always talks about it if I want too. He answers countless questions.

We had a huge row the other day and I got seriously mad.I had in my head that he loved her or sex was better for him to do it.
To me that was the only reason people did these things.
For months all my questions turned back to these
Did you love her?was sex better?
I couldn't understand why this pained him so much.

Last week he said he wished I would ...Just listen to his ansers.
Well to start with I though how dare he , ra ra raaa!

But then I thought about it ,and yep he was right if it wasn't an answer I wanted to hear I switched off.and made the answer up in my head anyway.which was always worse than maybe it was.

In still struggling to understand his answer but I think we are making a little progress.
He didn't love her - he could have been with her if he wanted too, he went to great lengths to cover it up so no one ever found out,the last couple of weeks he tried to end it but was so scared she'd tell anyone he kepts seeing her. to keep her quiet-he never wanted me to know.

This has taken a lot for me to actually hear this,I think I'm writting ot down because it means I'm accepting Thatsr how it was for him.

Sex being better - no it never was,he felt disgusted and ashamed. They only met once a week and half the times they didn't have sex. (this rings true because of where,when timings )we have always had healthy sex life.

He has delved into this a a lot and though he is stil learning and understand ing his behaviour.
He suffers with anxiety,depression,low self esteem,stress pressure.
He doesn't deal with any of his problem s,our problems or my problems they same way I do.
None of this excuses what he's done but I'm starting to listen.
For him this girl was an hour a week away from problems,no responsibilities,no talk of problems,he could be someone else.
Escape from it all.

What he now sees it made everything worse,he has now hit New lows and is struggling.

I have decided to take this as his why, I know there's more to know,understand but I'm listening to his reason.
I'm sure he'll learn more in counselling but its a start.

I went away for the day to see family ,he said he loved me would miss me,I went blocked him from my mind.had a good time.
I came home and he rushed back from work,I asked if he was ok he looked anxious. He burst into tears and said he thought i wasn't coming back.
I think this is what made me see how much he worries,and stress hes hidden it before so well.
This week I've seen a vulnerable,scared frightened man that is trying to show his feelings and n it escape from them.

The one thing I do know he's sorry. It's in his eyes. He was the most loving man and I lost him somehow.
It wasn't just during the affair either.
Looking back I can see we lost each other when we moved 2years ago when he had a break down.

I'm not sure why I'm posting really.just maybe finding peace that I'm getting the why.
I'm slightly understanding it maybe.

I hate that our marriage is tainted forever.
It will haunt us both.
I think sometimes people can make mistakes, and If I could change it I would.
But my wh is becoming a better man,husband.
For once I come first before work,not after it!
He's loving,kind adores me and appreciates me.

I don't know how I'd feel if I was unfaithful ,how do you live with yourself knowing you hurt someone you love.
It will be with him forever.

I jsut wanted to share that I can see light,some days a whole load of it,somedays a slither but its always there now.

gonogo1 posted 7/25/2014 04:04 AM

Thank you for this hopeful post . Identify with a lot you said .

littlemiss1 posted 7/25/2014 06:48 AM

Gonogo sometimes I've felt a little lost on this forum at times.

Feel free to message's always nice to know ur not the only one in a particular situation. everybody's sad story is different and I found it difficult to identify with others.


devasted30 posted 7/25/2014 07:48 AM

A lot of what you have said rings true to me as well. I have always been a stubborn person. Always had a hard time seeing another persons views. It seems so clear to me that my way is the sensible way. The right way. And I know that sounds horrible. But for some reason, that's me. Every times I would ask my WS a question, I too, would have a predeterminded answer. If I didn't agree with what he said, I figured he was lying to me to save me from being hurt more or to avoid more conflict etc.
I will take what you have said and try to learn from it. Thanks.

littlemiss1 posted 7/25/2014 09:29 AM

Iam sooo stubborn too.
But the bottom line is I want my marriage to survive.
I know it's daft to say just listen. But I've also stopped being angry when we talk. If I don't agree or find myself about to say he's a liar. I remind myself to listen.I say in my head listen he's trying to tell you the truth.

I'm also perfect at twisting everything he says,but he told me this makes it hard for him to word what he wants to say as he's scared/petrified it will come out wrong or in a way I can twist.

Guilty as charged.It doesn't help it makes it harder for him to open up and talk.

It helps he really wants to reconcile.
And doing all he can.

Sometimes his answers aren't enough but it doesn't mean he's not answering with all he has.

He too is struggling to understand he's behaviour.

heartbrokeninaz posted 7/25/2014 12:36 PM

I think this is a great post! Good for you two. I also have a hard time with some things on here. A ONS after 18 years of marriage makes us a little different then the LTA on here. I wish you both the best! This really did brighten my day.

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