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Should I follow up with the OW DH?

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OkNotOk posted 7/25/2014 08:36 AM

I contacted her DH the day I found about about the A.

He confronted her, that I know.

Should I contact him again? I don't think there has been any further contact. But I know how I hurt and just wondering how he's doing.

confused615 posted 7/25/2014 08:49 AM

I would. but not to see how he is doing.

I would want to make a plan if there is broken each of you agree to contact the other if one of you discovers ANY breach in NC. I would want to know if he has any evidence that I didn't...emails, texts, phone records. I don't think I would want to compare what each of us had heard...because we all know WS's are lying their ass's off in the beginning..and all we could offer each other was our WS's side of the story..and I wouldn't give two shits about her side. see how he is doing? No. Unless you were friends before dday..then no...he needs to focus on his situation, and you on yours. But to gather evidence and make plans in case red flags start waving? Absolutely.

OkNotOk posted 7/25/2014 09:58 AM

Thanks, that makes sense.

yes, we do know each other. But only through our spouses.

AchillesHealed posted 7/25/2014 19:52 PM

If you contacted him last, I would not. The ball is in his court and he might want to process things on his own right now. He'll reach out when he's ready.

Imissmyhusb posted 7/26/2014 09:24 AM

Im curious too

I have been askd by WH to discontinue all contact w OBS, bcuz he feels that OBS is manipulating me to give information abt WH that could end his career. IMO, OBS was the one who had all the intel. He didnt need me for info as much as i needed him. But WH uses the contact as a reason not to trust me, thinkg that i could be conspiring w OBS smh. He cant trust me, but i found a prepaid phone brochure in his car. I just wanna scream

We werent friends but we met once since our spouses work together. i would like to reach out to him to find out if what WH is tellg me is true - that COW is leavg the job, movg to another state. I know OBS told me that her quittg was a condition of R for him so it may b true idk. I just want to confirm some thgs

peaceBmine posted 7/26/2014 10:54 AM

OBS and I communicated frequently for the first month or so after DDay. He was a stranger to me, but being how he is the only other person I have ever spoken of the A to, we have a strange connection (other than the obvious sexual connection via our spouses) I knew this was dangerous given the emotional state we were both in and since have had little contact- although OBS and WH have been in contact some.

I WANTED to talk with someone that knew my exact pain and could truly understand what I was going through- who could know my pain better- we experienced the exact some facts! However, I knew this would be unhealthy in the long run. I still find myself wanted to contact him some days...and it's really just to know how they are doing but usually I will come up with some "other" reason. I try to refrain...we'll see.

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/26/2014 10:58 AM

I'm just curious how you know 100% that he REALLY knows about the affair and that he confronted her about it? I have to say that unless he told you that HIMSELF - vocally or face to face - all bets are off.

Cheaters are famous for deflecting messages sent to their betrayed spouses by folks like us, and they'll sink to ANY level to make us believe our message was delivered when it really wasn't.

Like I said, if all you got was a reply from him via text or email or facebook message etc., etc.m etc., then your chances - at BEST - that it was actually him are 50/50.

I'd absolutely follow through - via telephone or face to face. No messaging or email.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 11:02 AM, July 26th (Saturday)]

OkNotOk posted 7/26/2014 22:08 PM

I called and told him. I also took a picture of their sex score sheet, in her hand writing and sent it to him.

So, I called. He doesn't think anything happened. Even after seeing the score sheet.

He asked me if I had any other proof he could use. I do but I also told him the WH confessed

I told him when he was ready, to give me a call.

wk55hn posted 7/27/2014 05:31 AM

sex score sheet?

tryinginmi posted 7/27/2014 07:09 AM

I kept is contact with the other BS for almost a year. All four of us had worked at the same company for years. I did not know cOW until WH invited her family to our home, but I was familiar with her BS. I told him in person, and then stopped in one other time to deliver the NC letter and physical copies of WH phone records. I also texted him during the TT stage so that he would be as informed as possible. She has multiple A's before (and after) my WH, but the evidence I gave him is what finally ended their marriage. She never admitted anything.

IntoTheLight posted 7/28/2014 13:55 PM

If you do this, you should be prepared to get information you may not want. I offer this up, because I know my BH has a lot of dirty (and unnecessary) details that I am 100% sure other BW doesn't have. She called frequently in the beginning to tell him anything and everything she discovered- she really wants him to leave me and I don't blame her. He finally told her enough. He didn't disclose many of the things he knew because she was in so much pain, but if she contacted him again I think he would spill just to get her to leave him alone. I am sure she also has yuck details that BH doesn't need or want (with help of marriage counselor we decided to draw that line in the sand). Having that said, they do have agreement to contact if they discover we have communicated in any form.

It could potentially be a real shit show if you contacted him- just really unproductive and would only confuse you. And certainly you can't trust anything she's telling OBS or that OBS would tell you.

I am very sorry for what you have gone through and hope you get the answers you need and peace.

2married2quit posted 7/28/2014 14:11 PM

It's been hard for me for the last year and a half. I've been so tempted. OBS and I spoke about 3 months after DDAY (that's when OBS found out). We spoke a few times and that was it. I always wanted to follow up to make sure she was okay. She seemed like an amazing person and was suffering much like I and if there were two people that were hurt with the A of them, it was her and I. However, at this time it is best we are all as far as possible from each other. Let them grieve, argue, scream..etc.etc. their way. Any more getting into each other's lives is only going to make things worse. Just let it go.

solus sto posted 7/28/2014 14:47 PM

You've told him of the A.

Your work is done. I would not contact again unless NC is broken, at which point I would forward any evidence to him.

What would be the purpose of further contact?

You expect your WH to remain NC, and I think that, unless you have reason to verify ongoing contact, then you should maintain NC. It's time to excise this woman from your life and because you know her BS only through her, it's logical to excise him, as well.

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