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How did your former WS end it with his or her AP?

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needfriendshere posted 7/25/2014 09:20 AM

I asked this question in another post and felt it really needed its own place in this forum.

I don't know about you, but I am constantly tormented by HOW my FWH broke it off with his AP. I think it is why she is having such a difficult time healing and why she won't leave me alone (and why she is still trying to get him back). For details, see my post "I'm Afraid I Married a Monster".

I love my FWH so much and so much healing has taken place. But this "little" (Ha!) detail keeps ruining it for me. To be honest, it has me thinking I have the worst H out there. Like I said above, a monster.

So I would really like to know, how did your WS's break off their A's? Was my H unique or was what he did the status quo?

I hope to hear from you! I know it is a painful topic (for me at least), but I believe healing can come from knowing we are not alone!

Hugs to you all!!

seethelight posted 7/25/2014 09:42 AM

I am having the same problem with a still stalking OW.

I can't believe she even thinks she has a chance to rekindle with my spouse.

It makes me wonder what he said to her when he ended it that makes her think he is still interested in her in any way.

My wayward admits that he was too kind and gentle when he broke it off.

He said he acted that way not because he was worried about her feelings, but because he feared she make go even more bunny boiler and try to hurt me.

I don't know what to believe

SadieMae posted 7/25/2014 09:47 AM

The morning after I asked him, "was that a chat?" WH sent OW a text that his wife had found out and he couldn't talk to get anymore. The next day he sent her another text reiterating the same info. Their affair was always long distance, they never met. It lasted a year.

SisterMilkshake posted 7/25/2014 10:15 AM

My FWH kind of did what your FWH did, needfriendshere. But, it was a more drawn out way. He felt he had to "wean OW off his wiener". <Not his words.

He knew he had to end it as the "FWB's" fling he thought he had with OW wasn't just FWB's to OW. OW wanted my FWH and he didn't want OW, just the fucking. He just stopped seeing OW less and less. Of course, every time he saw OW he fucked OW. He just kept spacing the time out longer and longer and then finally he just stopped taking OW's calls and never returned them. He finally got a new phone number so OW didn't even know his new cell #. He never "officially" ended it with OW, just faded away. Conflict avoidant much?

Then OW started the 6 years of stalking my husband. Which then led to OW sending me a letter exposing the affair, 6 years after FWH ended it.

eta: I feel that my FWH honestly felt that weaning OW off of him would hurt OW less then just abruptly ending it. I feel that many men may actually feel that giving the women one last good fuck is a kindness. Because their penis's are just so very, very awesome.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:20 AM, July 25th (Friday)]

needfriendshere posted 7/25/2014 10:32 AM

Seethelight, I'm not sure it is just what they said when they broke it off that keeps the OP hanging on. I think it's the promises they made when they were together.

My H would not let his AP break it off when she tried to! He kept telling her not to worry - that it would work out for them in the end. He also told her how happy she made him and how much he loved her. Repeatedly. Why? Because he was convinced that I would never find out and that he could go on having his cake and eating it too. Then, because he kept her dangling for 6 years, it took him 3 days and 5-6 f---'s to finally end it with her WHEN I FOUND OUT! Of course, she thinks she feels entitled. And, back to my original point, it makes my H sound like a monster!

But, in spite of all the promises my H made in the heat of the moment, they both admit that their A was all about sex (or mostly about sex). They had no foundation on which to build a real relationship. My H and I have built a life together and a pretty awesome one at that. That is why I am staying with him in spite of what he allowed his "member" to drive him to do for 6 years. Plus, now that she is out of the picture, my H and I have renewed passion in our marriage, the likes of which neither of us have known before. There is nothing she can offer him that I can't. During their H, he treated me so coldly and angrily that I was unable to get excited with him unless we had both been drinking. So, in a vicious cycle created by his A, that part of our marriage suffered, thus keeping him going back to her to satisfy his lust.

Why am I getting into all of this? Because I am trying to understand what he did and why, as well as why he broke it off the way he did. And, more so, why I am still hanging around after he did it.

And it comes down to this: By realizing what we almost lost, we are now making sure nothing like what my H did to us will happen again. Basically, because we love each other - always have.

So - what is your story? Did finding out how your FWS broke it off with his or her AP hinder R in any way? Or was your WS a lady or a gentleman in letting the OP go?

needfriendshere posted 7/25/2014 10:35 AM

SisterMilkshake, this would be hilarious if it wasn't so damned true: "I feel that many men may actually feel that giving the women one last good fuck is a kindness. Because their penis's are just so very, very awesome."

rachelc posted 7/25/2014 11:05 AM

I found out and demanded a NC phone call in front of me. Both times.

StillGoing posted 7/25/2014 11:06 AM

I told her either she could call him right there in front of me and end it, and we could start working on things or I could go see a lawyer. So she called, told him they were done, I heard him say something like "You're always welcome to call if you need me" and she said "No, I'm not" and just hung it up there.

That would have felt a lot more sincere if 3 weeks later I didn't unearth the whole semi-secret email account thing but it is what it is.

"I feel that many men may actually feel that giving the women one last good fuck is a kindness. Because their penis's are just so very, very awesome."

AGUAMENTI

[This message edited by StillGoing at 11:08 AM, July 25th (Friday)]

Rebreather posted 7/25/2014 11:08 AM

Well, on the first dday, he sent a NC text about three days later. Took him that long to get the stones to do it. Then 10 days later they saw each other at a work conference and they spent an hour in her hotel room breaking up in person. "I felt I had to explain myself." Then about a week later they started up the EA part of the affair again.

On the second dday, he called her at 11pm and left her a message saying never to call him again. So two days later at work the first thing she did was call him. So he told her to never call him again. Then a few days after that she called again, and by then he'd finally gone to IC who gave him the sage advice to just.hang.up. and he did. She called back three times, he hung up, and she's never contacted him again.

Two years later she tried to follow me on Twitter. That's the only other contact.

Hrtbrken1 posted 7/25/2014 11:16 AM

When MOW's BH busted them, she called FWH at work. He either told her via the phone call, or an email that same day, that they had been childish and it was done. He never contacted her ever again. She sent an email the next day to him, saying her BH understood how she felt about FWH, and was ok with her calling him to say goodbye. He didn't even read the email, just forwarded it to me and blocked her. I'm the one that responded, making it very clear there would be no phone call, and what I thought of her. He threw her under the bus so fast I heard the thumps of wheels hitting her body.

wert posted 7/25/2014 11:25 AM

She didn't really. I did. I took her phone, called him. He was out of town otherwise I was driving to his house. I was fortunate he was out of town for the next week otherwise I am unsure what would have happened. Then I called his W. She sent NC a little while later. Then I found SI. :)

Exhausted in OH posted 7/25/2014 11:29 AM

I made him call her immediately, but didn't tell him what to say. He told her that I knew, and that his focus was now on doing everything he could to fix his family, and that they could never be in contact again. She asked if he was ok. She asked if I was going to tell her H (I stupidly did not). They said goodbye. That was the last contact ever as far as I know.

LivinginLimbo posted 7/25/2014 11:39 AM

So - what is your story? Did finding out how your FWS broke it off with his or her AP hinder R in any way? Or was your WS a lady or a gentleman in letting the OP go?

I read how your FWH had sex with the AP then broke up with her. It appears that you think what he did was "ungentlemanly."

My FWH ended his via a cut and dry "my wife knows, it's over" text to the 7 year LTA AP.

Honestly, I don't know what would be considered proper etiquette in breaking off an A. These are amoral people ending an illicit relationship. They knew exactly what they were getting themselves into. I couldn't care less that the AP's feelings got hurt or if she felt used. She and she alone put herself in that position.


needfriendshere posted 7/25/2014 11:42 AM

Hrtbrken1, I like this: "I'm the one that responded, making it very clear there would be no phone call, and what I thought of her. He threw her under the bus so fast I heard the thumps of wheels hitting her body."

You were lucky. In my case, when I communicated with the OW, she slowly began to rip me to shreds. She said she wanted to apologize. I accepted her apology and then she began to tell me about all the things he told her, what they did together and, basically, a dozen other things that she hoped would make me tell him to get the hell out of my life and go back to her. Very manipulative!

I am hearing that some of your WS's dragged the break-up out. I can almost understand that, but ouch!! I'm sorry!

Wert, I love it - what you shared! How many of you other BH's out there "almost" kicked the shit out of the OM? How many of you actually DID? I honestly think it's a guy thing - a thing I have to admit that I admire about you.
O.K. So we might end up behind bars for a night or 2. But the sheer satisfaction...

[This message edited by needfriendshere at 11:43 AM, July 25th (Friday)]

needfriendshere posted 7/25/2014 11:49 AM

LivinginLimbo, good point! There is nothing gentlemanly or lady-like about any of what our WS's did. But I have to admit, how your WH broke it off was what I wish with all my heart my H had done. It would save me a lot of nightmares, day-mares, and other miseries. Your H was as close to a gentleman as anyone in this situation can be. In my book, comparatively-speaking, I would give the guy a hug!

jendo posted 7/25/2014 11:50 AM

He told her by text that I knew and it was the end.

needfriendshere posted 7/25/2014 11:55 AM

Exhausted in OH, the way your H ended it, I don't think you needed to let the BH know...You were lucky. I let the BH know that his WW would not leave us - mainly me - alone. It did not go well. It ended up with my H calling the BH to apologize and the way that went...Well let me put it this way, my H hopes to God he never runs into this guy!

painfulpast posted 7/25/2014 11:57 AM

Mine just stopped talking to her. I found messages with her begging him to call, to email, anything. She sent links to songs, got angry, whined that he 'never cared', etc. He would send a text every 3 or 4 weeks, just to 'twist the knife' as he says, but no more calls, nothing. I found out because he didn't erase all of his texts from her, and I checked his phone. He hadn't spoken to her in 4 months, and hadn't had a nice round of texting in over 3 months.

I think that's the only reason I was able to stay with him - I knew he had ended it. Of course, when I found out, he sent her a message apologizing. For what I don't know. He says he knew I was going to make her life hell. Too f'n bad.

LivinginLimbo posted 7/25/2014 11:58 AM

Your H was as close to a gentleman as anyone in this situation can be. In my book, comparatively-speaking, I would give the guy a hug!

Hugging him was about the last thing I wanted to do.

Don't you see how this AP used you as a way to get even with your FWH? Why on earth would you care about how she got dumped? This was her choice. This is a situation she placed herself in voluntarily.

In my case, the AP blogged about being so hurt because he ended the LTA so abruptly and impersonally.

Our FWH's don't owe anything to their AP's but they owe a hell of a lot to their spouses. I would focus on that and that alone.

Lark posted 7/25/2014 11:58 AM

Well... I'd say your WH revealed his true self to her as well as you with that trip. That is why she is so pissed off. She suddenly realized her knight in shining armor was quite literally just using hre for sex and a good time and had no concern for her feelings.

For my husband
- OW1's husband found out in January. She issued a fake NC after telling him exactly what she told her husband so he'd corroborate it if the husband asked. Then said something like "the bruises he's given me are nothing compared to the pain I've given him. My heart will forever be yours" blahblahblah then ended with "I cannot talk to you ever again." Nice little elements of appealing to my husband's KISA, she's the victim, she needs to be rescued, no contact but still love you, blahblah. Anyway, of course the next day she emails him from a new account. My husband tried to "end" the EA in March by telling her how much he loved her (because that's how you should always end things, y'know) and that she'd always know where his heart was, giving her a necklace engraved with her nickname, and then kissing her. So of course she emailed him and called him the next day.

After I found out came the true ends.
- OW2, I texted her as my husband sat 4 feet in front of me, asking if she'd ever had sex with my husband because he was having a hard time answering. My husband did not contact her at all after I found out except to call her, while I sat next to him, and tell her it was over. She tried to text him after, and I went off on her and she hasn't texted again.
- OW1, he emailed the morning I found out "wife found out some stuff. not your fault. do not call or email." The wording of that one still pisses me off. I found out about OW1 a couple hours later and emailed her to let her know about OW2, that she was "not special"
- He called OW1, again while sitting next to me, after writing out with me a NC, and told her he never loved her, he was sorry for all the fantasy world bullshit, that she was never to contact him or us again.

I think OW1 would've still been in contact with him - based on their history of "NC" - if I hadn't sent her the email breaking her delusions. I don't think my husband would have responded, however, and he seems quite real in his "relief" to be done with both of them.

[This message edited by Lark at 12:04 PM, July 25th (Friday)]

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