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Handling boredom

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StartingFreshNow posted 7/25/2014 11:01 AM

I've found that boredom is one of my biggest reasons for breaking NC. I get bored and want instant attention and AP always provided me with that.

I can't seem to find good ways to fill my boredom. I really do want attention during that time. I will contact a couple other people but they almost always are busy with things like their jobs. Cruising the internet doesn't help and I'm at work so I can't do something like read a book or go for a walk - my mind wanders while I'm working and it's hard to fill it, but an "innocent" email is so easy to do and fills my needs. I do have ADHD that I'm treated for, but I think it makes my periods of "boredom" more frequent than lots of other people.

What do you do when you're bored - especially if you're instinct is to turn to something unhealthy (whether it's A-related or not)?

DrJekyll posted 7/25/2014 11:10 AM

Read and post on SI

StartingFreshNow posted 7/25/2014 11:13 AM

That's what I'm doing so far today! LOL

But really, it's not enough, I still get bored...

[This message edited by StartingFreshNow at 11:13 AM, July 25th (Friday)]

LosferWords posted 7/25/2014 11:24 AM

Do you think your BH would be receptive to emails? Maybe you could email him instead?

I come out here a lot, and I have been known to play the occasional word game when I get really bored.

It will take awhile to figure out and form some good, healthy habits. You'll get there.

StartingFreshNow posted 7/25/2014 11:45 AM

I send my first email to him but he's generally very busy with work so I only get a quick, short response and he has to get back to work. I always try that first though.

That's true - I bet I can find some online word games or things like that where it would still look like I was "working" even though I was just filling the mental boredom :)

tangledknot posted 7/25/2014 11:58 AM

I have the same issue. BS and I have been compiling a list of our favorite movies today. That has been a nice distraction. I am hoping that we can watch Dumb and Dumber or something similarly stupid tonight.

I am on here a lot during the work day. I wasted my entire day on this site yesterday.

StartingFreshNow posted 7/25/2014 12:00 PM

I'm going to start making my list now! LOL

Macsecond posted 7/25/2014 13:23 PM

I've been spending a lot of time on SI, especially because when I was bored I used to go to the site my A started on and I don't go there any more.

I've uploaded some of the books frequently recommended here: How to help your spouse heal from an affair, and Not Just Friends and have been reading those.

I've been thinking of journalling. A lot of times my brain just goes round and round with thoughts and I just need to capture them.

When I'm tired of thinking about the A and R and fixing myself and what I can do to help BH and just need a brain break, I'll either surf you-tube, or watch something on netflix, or I'll clean. haha! I'm a terrible housekeeper, but have in the last few weeks given my bedroom and closets a much-needed reorganization.

I run, and I used to knit, so I might pick up that again and finish some unfinished projects that have been put aside now that I have more spare time.

Do you draw or doodle? Anything creative?

Go for a walk? Yoga? Deep breathing?

familyfirst posted 7/25/2014 14:02 PM

Really great awareness to recognize your actions and feelings that contributed to the A. I think most of us have a similar problem with boredom, if not before the A, then after. If you were like me, during the A you were functioning at 125% cranking out emails/texts to AP in every spare moment and keeping up with the rest of your life too. After the A surfing FB and MSN during my spare time was just not stimulating enough. I found I just had to stay away from my computer when I had free tim. Get up and go for a walk, go talk to a coworker, just be moving and not by myself and idle. I also threw myself into work. And then I found SI and it helped(s) a lot when I'm at my desk.

It's gotten easier for me in the last couple months (I'm 5.5 months post A) to be more content with calm instead of looking for that buzz.

[This message edited by familyfirst at 2:03 PM, July 25th (Friday)]

tangledknot posted 7/25/2014 14:16 PM

Is there a way to directly reply to people? Regarding familyfirst's post about functioning at 125% during the A and then dealing with the lack of stimulation after. Wow! That is me.

When I'm not at work, I am trying to beat it out of myself with exercise. I am so sore and tired that I can barely move.

When my thoughts start to race at work, I wear headphones and crank my music hoping to drown them out.

Boredom is dangerous territory!

StartingFreshNow posted 7/25/2014 14:20 PM

I'm so glad you guys can relate - familyfirst really nailed it.

It's true - I work in a secluded office but I also have another desk in an office with some co-workers. When I get bored I need to relocate myself to that desk so I'm around people and can have conversations in real life as a distraction.

I like all the ideas you guys have given me as well. Thank you!

Macsecond posted 7/25/2014 14:25 PM

I found myself fisolating a lot during the A, so socializingmore , doing more with my kids, and spending more time with BH now too.

SlowUptake posted 7/25/2014 19:33 PM

Is it really boredom?

Because boredom can be easily overcome with any physical or mental activity. (such as actually doing the work your being paid for. )

Or is it missing the 'high' of the affair?

ThatGuyNoMore posted 7/25/2014 20:09 PM

I'm ADHD too. Boredom can be a bad thing for us.

The come down from the constant stimulation of emails from the AP is like withdrawing from a drug addiction. I haunted my smartphone for weeks, not that I was eager to receive messages from her--indeed I was afraid that something would pop up because then I would have to share it with my BW and everything would start all over again--but I was addicted to the stimulus of receiving the messages. I was actually grateful for spam! (How sick is that?) Eventually I got over that, and now I can go hours without checking my phone in the evenings and on weekends. My family noticed too. That spoke volumes to me.

I now have a lot more time for my BW, my kids, and myself. I'm reading for fun again. I'm exercising regularly. I'm watching more movies. I'm reading a lot on SI, writing in my journal, and engaging with my BW on repairing our M in any way I can. I've made a list of 20 things I can do for my BW that will help her heal, and I do several from that list daily.

The internet is a dangerous place for bored waywards. My descent into the world of A started through boredom on the internet. You know where should not go on the internet, so don't go there.

Make a list of constructive things to do. Keep the list handy whether you're at home, at work, or on travel. Refer to it when you're bored, pick something from it--even if you have to resort to "eeny, meeny, miny, moe"--and follow through on that choice. 10 minutes into whatever you've selected, you'll forget that you were bored in the first place and feel so much better for having don something constructive.

Good luck.

StartingFreshNow posted 7/28/2014 07:43 AM

Thank you!

I'm going to start making some lists now. If any of you would like to share what's on your list, please do so :)

confetticheck posted 8/1/2014 23:58 PM

Well, to be honest with you...I cannot imagine being "bored".

R is so much work that "bored" is something that i cannot comprehend.

Immerse yourself in your BSes pain and see how "bored" you can be.

I just don't get this. Truly.

If you are bored, read a book about infidelity. Read on JFO. Do anything, but above all quit whining about something that is so insignificant in the whole scheme of things.

Basically.....get the message. GET IT. Or get divorced. And quote the cause as......BOREDOM.

fortitudo posted 8/2/2014 00:04 AM

My momma always said "only boring people get bored" What a completely lame excuse. Jeez.

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