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Newest Member: infiniti (61794)

User Topic: Reconciliation / changes in WH / expectations / impatience
♀ 38141
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My mind is a whir so I am going to just number this stuff...

1. Do 'we' quantify our expectations? Wh has been doing MANY of the items I requested after he blew our marriage out of the water. He...
a) walks BESIDE me - not 10 steps in front of me
b) He is more verbal in his appreciation for meals / clothes / etc. (I stay at home)
c) We are parenting TOGETHER (still a work in progress but he sees now where his 'go with the flow and let the children do as they please' might not be the best policy and that I am not a controlling witch because I expect certain behavior)
d) No contact (that I can find) for over a year.
e) Phone immediately available if I ask.
f) computer no longer password protected - although I did discover he has been on that stinking faceb0ok site. ... I haven't called him out on that yet.

However --- he is heel dragging on a few things and I feel like it is typical controlling / passive aggressive behavior. BUT - I know that the above well ingrained behavior has taken work on his part. I feel like I should give him grace to keep working, but then it feels like I'm back to planning to leave him and that feels like a cop-out. How to balance needs being met with the knowledge that consistent change takes time?

Some things he is not doing .

a) I WANT a nick-name. AP had a nick-name and it was a term of endearment. Granted, I will still think he is blowing smoke should he call me something other than my name, but I WANT A NICK NAME.
b) I want honest to goodness, gut wrenching, soul bearing conversation. I am tired as h#ll of bantering. The d*mn elephant that was shoved under the rug for 24 years sort of seems like it is being fed again.
c) FINISH the book.

Now typing it out, it looks like he's doing the physical work, but not the emotional work.

Maybe we do need to have a "come to Jesus" meeting ....

[This message edited by stunnedin12 at 11:35 AM, July 25th (Friday)]

ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse

Lawyers involved.

Posts: 689 | Registered: Jan 2013
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the lack of response to your thread is because you nailed it at the end, so there may be nothing to add. I hope I'm not a fool rushing in....

Here are some ideas for your consideration, with the proviso that you absolutely do not have to use any of them.

What nickname do you want? I suggest picking one and asking your H to use it. (My W changed her name at least twice during our M, and that's how she did it.)

My W as also interrupted light conversation and asked for something real. Why not try that?

What do you want your H to get from finishing the book? Is there another way to get it - other reading, for example?

[This message edited by sisoon at 6:29 PM, July 25th (Friday)]

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 17032 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
Topic Posts: 2

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