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Bare minimum

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She-Ra posted 7/25/2014 11:55 AM

Tired of that being the every day. Why do so many people try to get by doing the bare minimum?? I work with people like that every day. Sometimes I'm guilty of it. No doubt about it as it can be survival mode at times. Frankly I think everyone in some aspect in life will do the bare minimum in one way or another.

Sure my BH and I have been doing better than we have been. But this week we seemed to take many steps backward and it will be really hard to move forward to the happier place we were at a few weeks ago.

He had agreed to take anger management classes since that is a major problem. His ex girlfriend before me insisted he take them. He thought it was stupid and apparently failed the class. Told me he would never do it again.

Fast forward to now.. 10 years later in our marriage I said it has to be done. He flies off the handle all the time and just spews negativity at me. Swears and name calls really hurtful things. Sometimes I just cry or sometimes I give it all back to him. That makes matters worse of course and world war 3 takes place. I'm always calm a few minutes later and he will be fuming mad at me for a long time. These are the times that are sabotaging our lives. Somehow or another we always end up making up before the end of the night but that's always me going to him to smooth things over. That's sometimes how we have the best conversations about our life when we are calm after a big fight.

I can't stand living like this and not sure how it will ever change unless he takes the first step towards anger management courses again. I'm not a fighter I always feel like I have to defend. Stand up for myself so to speak but it never comes out the way I want it to. Like I don't expect it and then my impulse is to say something mean back. Tell him I hate him and that I don't want to be married anymore. I don't hate him and I do want to be married. But I can't keep going on this exact path.

Naturally I am blamed for his anger due to my As. That's a cop out because he has been like this forever. The As only heightened it which is one of reasons I thought I would never confess to him.

He finally signed up for SI. That was awesome. He even spent a few days reading the betrayed men forum. That's where it ended. He hasn't logged on since. He would rather search Craigslist for a new diesel truck that we can't afford to buy for a few years. He hasn't thought about looking into anger management. The main cause of our fight last night was because he was sleeping on the couch for 2 nights in a row. How are we supposed to work on our life when he wants to spend evenings sleeping. He's tired he tells me. Yes I get it. But if he was out with friends he would be awake. It's insulting that I'm not good enough to stay awake for. After our daughter is in bed, it would be us time. Not him sleeping and me watching TV.

He's allegedly going to be working out of town soon. Right after we get back from a vacation in early Aug. He's going to be away with 2 assholes. 1 younger, single guy who just wants to drink and do cocaine. Another guy who drinks and does cocaine almost every day and cheats on his girlfriend by screwing waitresses from the bars. I want to out him so bad (I don't know his girlfriend personally because he refuses to meet me out of fear of being outed) so here we are. Me knowing this happens. My BH claims he has never cheated on me when hanging out with these guys. I have no reason not to believe him because likely he would have confessed to me. For whatever reason he always ends up telling me about what happens when hanging out of these buddies. They are toxic people and not friends of our marriage. He thinks they are going to behave when they work out of town. Um excuse me? As if. They are losers who will continue to act like fuckheads. He says he will stop working with them if they do. I don't believe they will behave out of desire to make a lot of money when out of town. Call me a skeptic haha

So... I feel like BH is doing the bare minimum to get by in our marriage in hopes that magic will happen and we will be happy with life. If every day will be me fearing that my husband is away with losers that will provide every opportunity for him to do drugs drink every day and fuck other women, I have to separate rather than attempt R. If he's not willing to work on us now when he's here, it will be worse when he's gone. Likely will be tolerable for me to put my emotional wall up and go thru the next few months knowing the marriage is over anyways and get my ducks in a row.

Wow I'm typing a lot and I really must get back to working. Fuck... I read this over and think if I saw this on another members post, I would suggest for them to leave now. I cling to hope.... I see so much good but the bad is impossible.

tired girl posted 7/25/2014 12:30 PM

Maybe it is going to take you getting off the fence and S before he sees that he has to do something about his own behavior and that you are serious about this. Maybe not. Maybe he will continue to be ok with who he is. Ultimately you are going to have to take care of yourself and your D. Big hugs, I know that this is not easy. Give him the space now to step up and figure it out.

She-Ra posted 7/25/2014 14:06 PM

Thanks so much TG

I'm going to follow your advice. He knows what is expected of him and what he has said he's going to do. Pushing him to control the process won't help him. I will give him his space that he needs. If he decides to continue ignoring his need for anger management and treats his out of town job as an opportunity to party without consequence, separation will happen. I will jump off the fence without hesitation. I know what I want in life and what is best for our D. She is our world and I won't ever keep her away from him as long as he is a good dad to her. She loves him so much and if she isn't enough for him to want to be the best, nothing will be enough for him.

MissesJai posted 7/25/2014 14:17 PM

(((she-ra))) oh hon. I'm sorry things haven't improved. TG is spot on. It's time to relinquish control of the outcomes and start focusing on what you need to do for you and your DD.

Pushing him to control the process won't help him.
No, it won't. In fact, given his anger issues, you're asking for trouble if you keep it up. Let it go. Let him go. Embrace your healing because as easy as it is to type this
If he decides to continue ignoring his need for anger management and treats his out of town job as an opportunity to party without consequence, separation will happen. I will jump off the fence without hesitation.
it's MUCH harder to actually do it - especially if you love him immensely, which you do. Sending you strength.

She-Ra posted 7/28/2014 13:05 PM

Thanks missesjai 😄. I always appreciate your support. You are right. It won't be easy but I will be able to make some decisions over the next few months when he is working away.

Update... This past weekend, I confessed my As to my 2 very best girlfriends. I have been friends with them for over 15 years and keeping this problem to myself had to end. It was the most perfect time to tell them. It was just us 3 with a few drinks in us with no husbands around and kids in bed. One of my friends asked me how things had been going with my hubby since they know that we have "issues". That's when I said ok now is the time to let it out. I didn't give any details though. One friend begged for details one said the details are not their business. I went with that.

They were very supportive and amazed that I actually confessed to him. They were annoyed that I kept it from them for 2 years as if I don't trust them. I explained everything and feel relieved that it was one more step to being authentic and real. Flaws and all they still love me and it will help immensely to have their support in the next few months.

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