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Is it really better to disclose all?

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StartingFreshNow posted 7/25/2014 11:58 AM

I recently read someone saying he finally came completely clean and really recommends it.

I just don't know that I believe that. I have hurt my BH in ways I will never comprehend although I am doing my best to understand and feel what he's feeling. If I tell him the "rest of the story" it will just cause more pain. We are slowly, and I mean slowly, moving forward. If I drop anything else on him 1. it's going to put us back to square one with him being able to trust anything that comes out of my mouth since it will come out that I've lied about some things and 2. he will most likely honestly leave me - I'd say there's only a 1% chance he'd stay with me after hearing the rest.

I want us to continue to heal and move on. I don't see the benefit of telling him at all. He's just going to trust me less and we are finally having some success with our R.

My counselor advises me to tell him because he deserves to know the entire truth and he should be the one to decide if we stay together, not me. He should have all of the information to make that decision, in her opinion. She pointed out how much I'm making him suffer in deciding whether to continue with our marriage and if he knows this, it will probably stop the suffering and make his decision easy....

What are your thoughts on telling the entire truth when it goes against everything you want? I am such a changed person and I will never do it again and I'm desperate to keep our family together. I don't want to be with anyone but my BH and I love him immensely. (I have other posts that explain how much I'm focused on him and his pain, I'm just trying to explain myself and thought process on this one thing. It sounds selfish and it is, but I'm so torn on this.)

[This message edited by StartingFreshNow at 11:59 AM, July 25th (Friday)]

tangledknot posted 7/25/2014 12:05 PM

What would someone with character and integrity do? Can you imagine how horrible it would be to move forward with reconciliation and everything is going great, and it has been a year, and then he discovers something on his own or you let something slip? You will be right back to square one and it'll be worse. Wouldn't it be easier in the end if he knows all now, and you can get on with your lives?

I'm only about a month from D-day. The only reason my BS knows everything is because he stayed up all night long and read that AP and I sent back and forth, and we were prolific writers. I think each message is burned in his brain for eternity. I barely had to fill in any gaps. It's a relief that I didn't have the opportunity to TT, because I know that I would have. I would have hid as much as possible for as long as possible. In a sick way, it's been a blessing that I didn't have the opportunity. The reason I shared that is to let you know I am not coming from of place of righteousness and I understand the urge to not disclose everything.

Anyway, back to the point, the hardest thing to do is the right thing to do. Cowboy up and tell him everything. Stop hiding.

[This message edited by tangledknot at 12:08 PM, July 25th (Friday)]

StartingFreshNow posted 7/25/2014 12:10 PM

I'm (obviously) a total coward. I just can't imagine going from where we are now (a place I think we will make it) to where we'll be after I tell him (divorced). It's like by telling him I'm sealing my fate that we're done.

Neznayou posted 7/25/2014 12:17 PM

DO IT! DO IT NOW! Do not pass go; do not collect $200. It is painful to face the music, but if you do not, you are making the situation that YOU CREATED exponentially worse for your Betrayed Husband. You are a cowardly, stupid, selfish woman if you withhold any piece of information out of the misguided notion that you are sparing him further pain. I wish I had taken this advice 23 months ago, but not as much as my Husband wishes I had. Get over yourself and spill it.

tangledknot posted 7/25/2014 12:17 PM

It's really scary. I'm a coward too.

What is important to you? By continuing to lie and hide the truth, you are hurting yourself. It's not true reconciliation. There's a very good chance it's going to end in divorce anyway if you are not going to be upfront and honest with him. Wouldn't it be better for you to end things with a shred of integrity, knowing that in the end you tried to do the honorable thing?

familyfirst posted 7/25/2014 12:38 PM

How much does your BH know? If it's 95% you probably should bite the bullet and devulge the rest. Only because it's true there are stories on SI about being way down the road of R and then BS finds some new detail that may not be substantially worse than the other acts, but it's just one more lie that the WS kept and the M is over as a result.

But take any idea on disclosure from me with a grain of salt. I can type the right thing to do, but I'm a giant coward in actual practice and completely understand (and agree) that some details are just too awful.

Imabrokenman posted 7/25/2014 12:40 PM

Tell him all. I made the mistake, and hid the truth for 2 weeks. When it all came out, her pain became 100 times greater, because she realized that I was continuing to lie to her.

And omitting the truth IS lying. Do not try to convince yourself that it is not.

Now I have zero credibility. It is so very hard to be working diligently on myself, and to have her believe nothing.

I recently met with my attorney and agreed to a separation agreement that BS had put together. I agreed to everything that she requested. I called her and told her, and she said that she would believe it when she saw it in writing. Here I was, proud of myself that I was doing the right thing, and I had it slapped back in my face that I was untrustworthy.

Tell him everything. Tell him that you are fearful of how he will react, but that he deserves to know the entire truth. And he needs to hear it from you before he finds out on his own.

StartingFreshNow posted 7/25/2014 12:41 PM

It's pretty major - I'd say right now he only knows 1/2 of it. The rest would push him over the top. I've always told myself I would never tell him because it will hurt and scar him so much, but I'm starting to consider it. I just really don't want our marriage to break up and I know it will kill it with no possibility for R.

sorrowfulmate posted 7/25/2014 12:43 PM

Put on your adult clothes and do it.

I didn't and I am paying the price. Don't play Russian roulette with this.

The thing that will kill your relationship faster is trickle truth.

If you hide something and it comes out later you will blast your betrayed back to square 1

Neznayou posted 7/25/2014 12:44 PM

I held onto truths for 18 months. My husband compares it to a thousand little cuts. The full truth sooner would have been one cut, painful but much easier to heal. My story did not make sense; he knew there were things I wasn't telling him. It drove him mad, knowing that I still wasn't telling everything. It has been said that the healing clock starts when the last piece is revealed. Tell the truth, all of it.

StartingFreshNow posted 7/25/2014 12:46 PM

I also don't see how he'll ever find out the whole truth if I keep this secret.

No one knows about it except me and the AP and I know I'd never say anything - even drunk or whatever. So if I don't tell him, he'll really never know.

It's already been months since I've sworn I've told the truth so I think it's already beyond the point of excusable - if there even is such a think when it comes to lying/withholding info.

StartingFreshNow posted 7/25/2014 12:47 PM

Neznayou -

So ultimately did you tell the whole truth? My BH already says it just doesn't add up but the only way he'll figure it out is if I tell him.

familyfirst posted 7/25/2014 12:55 PM

Only knows 1/2 huh? And it's been 6 months? Tough tough tough. Not to pry, but is the missing info acts/timeline/etc with the AP he knows about or a whole new AP that he doesn't know about?

StartingFreshNow posted 7/25/2014 12:58 PM

He doesn't know the real timeline or acts involved

sorrowfulmate posted 7/25/2014 12:58 PM

If he knows it was a physical affair then it can't get much worse for him. The idea of you having sex with another person has already devastated him.

Ok... I'll let you know what happened to me.

My LTAP wanted me to Spank her. So I bought paddles and slappers off etsy to do just that. She was reading 50 shades and wanted me to do that. So I did.

Later she asked me to tie her down. I bought a set of bed restraints to do this. Now I never used them on her. I brought them to the last time I met her and they just didn't get used. However I didn't disclose them to my wife.

Well a few weeks ago my wife was going through my work amazon account and found them.

It blasted her back to square one.

24.00 of Velcro and cloth that I was too scared to tell my wife about was akin to kicking her in the gut.

You love your spouse? Don't want to hurt them again. You hide this shit and they find out you get to see them hurt again.

Look we aren't piling on you. We are the voice of experience.

Think of it like trying to take off a bandaid slowly, it's better to rip it off and get it over with.

sorrowfulmate posted 7/25/2014 13:03 PM

Also. I suggest you pull the stop sign off this topic and allow some of the betrayed spouses to tell you how hiding the truth worked for them.

Seriously. I think you need some perspective from the other side of the fence.

Deeply Scared posted 7/25/2014 13:05 PM


The stop sign will not be pulled off this thread, it needs to stay on.

StartingFreshNow posted 7/25/2014 13:05 PM

He knows it was an EA - he doesn't know it was a PA or how long it was all really going on.

The reason I posted this is I wanted the voice of experience. I really want to know the honest opinions. I only had the advice of my counselor and it wasn't convincing enough so I thought those who have been in my shoes would be way more convincing. I'm right - you are, it's just going to take every ounce of me to do the right thing, if I can.

init4life posted 7/25/2014 13:13 PM

StartingFreshNow -
just like others have said, there is no judging or piling on here just advice.
I didn't come clean right away and TT because I too was afraid my BW could handle the truth or that she would leave me if she knew everything. I slowly over time came clean about everything, but now 3 years later she doesn't trust me. We are struggling now with the feeling of "is this going to get better". You can't start fresh with lies (omitted facts) if you don't come clean with everything. Just because your husband doesn't talk about it doesn't mean he doesn't think about it all the time.
Good luck!!

Macsecond posted 7/25/2014 13:14 PM

I just want to echo my experience. My d-day was recent as well, and I went through the same thoughts you're going through. There was no way he would have guessed, and I had no way of knowing whether he would divorce me, or what would happen, but I sucked it up and told him. There were details that were missed that came out a few days later, and even that was like a new d-day.

He was surprisingly calm. He thanked me. And he said he definitely appreciates that I told him and didn't keep it from him even though I could have. He gives me credit for that.

He was pissed. Make no mistake. He was pissed off and hurt and very angry/sad/upset for a few days to process, but we worked through it. I let him know immediately when I divulged and confessed that the reason I was doing so was not to hurt him, but because he deserved the whole truth, even though I was terrified of the outcome. I gave him all my passwords, even to the email addresses he didn't know about, and even though he didn't ask me.

It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, but I'm so glad I did it. I hated living a life of lies and deceit. I hated covering my tracks and being fearful of what I said, would I let things slip, would he find out, etc. I know my BH is still processing, but I am still working hard for him and making sure to fix things so we're at a better place down the road. I'm fixing me, slowly, and doing all I can so he feels safe with me.

I hope to one day have his trust and forgiveness, but I know that may not ever come. If it does, it will be with work, time, and effort.

You may feel like you could keep the lies hidden, but the rest of your marriage and relationship built on lies is not a good foundation.

Tell him everything.
Tell him everything and then make every effort to be transparent and to fix your stuff so he knows it won't ever happen again. Half-truths, especially when he knows/suspects he's not got the whole story, will only breed and foster suspicion and mistrust.

Start fresh. It will be like cleaning the wound. You can't start healing if you've still got crap in there hurting it and breeding infection.

Good luck. We're here for you.

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