I just don't know that I believe that. I have hurt my BH in ways I will never comprehend although I am doing my best to understand and feel what he's feeling. If I tell him the "rest of the story" it will just cause more pain. We are slowly, and I mean slowly, moving forward. If I drop anything else on him 1. it's going to put us back to square one with him being able to trust anything that comes out of my mouth since it will come out that I've lied about some things and 2. he will most likely honestly leave me - I'd say there's only a 1% chance he'd stay with me after hearing the rest.
I want us to continue to heal and move on. I don't see the benefit of telling him at all. He's just going to trust me less and we are finally having some success with our R.
My counselor advises me to tell him because he deserves to know the entire truth and he should be the one to decide if we stay together, not me. He should have all of the information to make that decision, in her opinion. She pointed out how much I'm making him suffer in deciding whether to continue with our marriage and if he knows this, it will probably stop the suffering and make his decision easy....
What are your thoughts on telling the entire truth when it goes against everything you want? I am such a changed person and I will never do it again and I'm desperate to keep our family together. I don't want to be with anyone but my BH and I love him immensely. (I have other posts that explain how much I'm focused on him and his pain, I'm just trying to explain myself and thought process on this one thing. It sounds selfish and it is, but I'm so torn on this.)
[This message edited by StartingFreshNow at 11:59 AM, July 25th (Friday)]
I'm only about a month from D-day. The only reason my BS knows everything is because he stayed up all night long and read every.single.email that AP and I sent back and forth, and we were prolific writers. I think each message is burned in his brain for eternity. I barely had to fill in any gaps. It's a relief that I didn't have the opportunity to TT, because I know that I would have. I would have hid as much as possible for as long as possible. In a sick way, it's been a blessing that I didn't have the opportunity. The reason I shared that is to let you know I am not coming from of place of righteousness and I understand the urge to not disclose everything.
Anyway, back to the point, the hardest thing to do is the right thing to do. Cowboy up and tell him everything. Stop hiding.
[This message edited by tangledknot at 12:08 PM, July 25th (Friday)]
Married: April 9, 1994
Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012
Admitted PA: 12 Aug 2012
TT ended: Jan 2014
What is important to you? By continuing to lie and hide the truth, you are hurting yourself. It's not true reconciliation. There's a very good chance it's going to end in divorce anyway if you are not going to be upfront and honest with him. Wouldn't it be better for you to end things with a shred of integrity, knowing that in the end you tried to do the honorable thing?
But take any idea on disclosure from me with a grain of salt. I can type the right thing to do, but I'm a giant coward in actual practice and completely understand (and agree) that some details are just too awful.
And omitting the truth IS lying. Do not try to convince yourself that it is not.
Now I have zero credibility. It is so very hard to be working diligently on myself, and to have her believe nothing.
I recently met with my attorney and agreed to a separation agreement that BS had put together. I agreed to everything that she requested. I called her and told her, and she said that she would believe it when she saw it in writing. Here I was, proud of myself that I was doing the right thing, and I had it slapped back in my face that I was untrustworthy.
Tell him everything. Tell him that you are fearful of how he will react, but that he deserves to know the entire truth. And he needs to hear it from you before he finds out on his own.
Currently living apart, unsure of reconciliation. In IC.
I didn't and I am paying the price. Don't play Russian roulette with this.
The thing that will kill your relationship faster is trickle truth.
If you hide something and it comes out later you will blast your betrayed back to square 1
No one knows about it except me and the AP and I know I'd never say anything - even drunk or whatever. So if I don't tell him, he'll really never know.
It's already been months since I've sworn I've told the truth so I think it's already beyond the point of excusable - if there even is such a think when it comes to lying/withholding info.
So ultimately did you tell the whole truth? My BH already says it just doesn't add up but the only way he'll figure it out is if I tell him.
Ok... I'll let you know what happened to me.
My LTAP wanted me to Spank her. So I bought paddles and slappers off etsy to do just that. She was reading 50 shades and wanted me to do that. So I did.
Later she asked me to tie her down. I bought a set of bed restraints to do this. Now I never used them on her. I brought them to the last time I met her and they just didn't get used. However I didn't disclose them to my wife.
Well a few weeks ago my wife was going through my work amazon account and found them.
It blasted her back to square one.
24.00 of Velcro and cloth that I was too scared to tell my wife about was akin to kicking her in the gut.
You love your spouse? Don't want to hurt them again. You hide this shit and they find out you get to see them hurt again.
Look we aren't piling on you. We are the voice of experience.
Think of it like trying to take off a bandaid slowly, it's better to rip it off and get it over with.
Seriously. I think you need some perspective from the other side of the fence.
The stop sign will not be pulled off this thread, it needs to stay on.
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
The reason I posted this is I wanted the voice of experience. I really want to know the honest opinions. I only had the advice of my counselor and it wasn't convincing enough so I thought those who have been in my shoes would be way more convincing. I'm right - you are, it's just going to take every ounce of me to do the right thing, if I can.
He was surprisingly calm. He thanked me. And he said he definitely appreciates that I told him and didn't keep it from him even though I could have. He gives me credit for that.
He was pissed. Make no mistake. He was pissed off and hurt and very angry/sad/upset for a few days to process, but we worked through it. I let him know immediately when I divulged and confessed that the reason I was doing so was not to hurt him, but because he deserved the whole truth, even though I was terrified of the outcome. I gave him all my passwords, even to the email addresses he didn't know about, and even though he didn't ask me.
It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, but I'm so glad I did it. I hated living a life of lies and deceit. I hated covering my tracks and being fearful of what I said, would I let things slip, would he find out, etc. I know my BH is still processing, but I am still working hard for him and making sure to fix things so we're at a better place down the road. I'm fixing me, slowly, and doing all I can so he feels safe with me.
I hope to one day have his trust and forgiveness, but I know that may not ever come. If it does, it will be with work, time, and effort.
You may feel like you could keep the lies hidden, but the rest of your marriage and relationship built on lies is not a good foundation.
Tell him everything.
Tell him everything and then make every effort to be transparent and to fix your stuff so he knows it won't ever happen again. Half-truths, especially when he knows/suspects he's not got the whole story, will only breed and foster suspicion and mistrust.
Start fresh. It will be like cleaning the wound. You can't start healing if you've still got crap in there hurting it and breeding infection.
Good luck. We're here for you.