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Skan posted 7/25/2014 12:26 PM

There are two of me.

There is the person who is working on R every day. The person who loves and supports her FWH. The person who sees his efforts and growth. The person who, when triggered or upset, accepts the comfort, apologies, and care of her FWH. The person who is moving forward in life, seeking a better tomorrow, and is a kind, thoughtful, loving friend. Who loves her FWH.

There is also the person who rages, when alone. Who throws whatever is at hand at the wall and laughs in joy when it shatters. Who will scream obscenities until her throat is raw. Who tackles physical challenges with needless ferocity and no thought for the risk. Who hides under the table and cries and shakes and holds the table leg to keep her grip on reality. Who calls herself stupid, ugly, whore, lazy, asshole. The person who is one fingertip from losing it.

And I cannot reconcile those two people. One side of me falls deeper and deeper into love, acceptance, and looks forward. The other side of me wants destruction, ruin, and blood to flow. I keep trying to feed the positive part of my nature, yet that self-destructive part demands attention too. So when Iím alone, I rage, I scream, I break things, I mourn. This rage has come out of the blue, during a time when I thought that I was over it. I try to look deeply inside and itís not because I think that my FWH is doing anything. Its rage at injustice. Its rage at unfairness. Its rage because I really donít find myself worthy. Its self-directed and internal. And I need to get a handle on it, because it does me no good.

[This message edited by Skan at 8:02 PM, July 26th, 2014 (Saturday)]

needfriendshere posted 7/25/2014 12:42 PM

(((Scan)))
I think a lot of us can relate to what you are sharing. I know I can. And it has to do in part with the fact that we feel we have betrayed ourselves by accepting back into our lives someone who has hurt us so badly. Like you, on my dark days, I feel worthless, ugly, lazy, and even like a whore.

And that's what places like SI are for. You can let all these feelings out and know that 1.) you are safe, 2.) you are not crazy, and 3.) you are not alone - not by far!

I can't share any of these feelings with my friends or my family. And I only see my C now twice a month - can barely even afford that.

I have to believe that, in time, the person who is working on R every day, who loves and supports her FWH and who is moving forward in life will be the dominant part of us. That "other person"? will become a shadow.

Hang in there, dear friend! Let the dark side vent when you need to. I think it is healthy. And I pray the day will come when you can bid that person good-bye!

Losttransport posted 7/25/2014 12:42 PM

I understand. I'm 28 months out from DDay, and I find myself so furious! It's a burning rage inside me. I hope others come by and maybe can offer you a balm, but I wanted to let you know you definitely aren't alone with feeling like this.

seethelight posted 7/25/2014 12:53 PM

(((Scan)))
I think a lot of us can relate to what you are sharing. I know I can. And it has to do in part with the fact that we feel we have betrayed ourselves by accepting back into our lives someone who has hurt us so badly. Like you, on my dark days, I feel worthless, ugly, lazy, and even like a whore.

^^^^^^^I relate to those words.

I think all betrayed spouses have these dark days.

I am two plus years out, and not a day goes by that I don't ask myself "why am I still here?"

Skan posted 7/25/2014 14:02 PM

It's just baffling as all hell.

I love my FWH. He loves me. I don't think that something like this betrayal will ever happen again. We are both firmly committed to keeping going forward. To being in touch, to communicating, to being open. We are both doing the ďrightĒ things.

And yet, part of me thinks, if I had simply divorced him immediately, I would probably be over him right now and be settled in a life of my own right now. I wouldnít still be fighting this fight. I would be well on my way to being over it. Rightly or wrongly.

Typing this, I literally feel like shards of glass are piercing me. There is so much pain and sorrow welling up. This was a dealbreaker for me. Always. Yet her I sit. With a FWH that is much more in tune with me. Who shows his love and commitment to me every day now. With whom I have a wonderful time. With whom I am making plans for the rest of my life with. And yet Ö. I see that road not taken. And I wonder, very deeply inside, if Iíve made a mistake.

To say that today is not a good day, is really being understated.

Twentyplus posted 7/25/2014 14:29 PM

I know this state. When I feel like this I tend to think it is about me. My still struggling childhood issues. My alcohol addiction recovery. My unresolved C-PTSD. Trying so achingly hard to find a normal that I just crack when a certain wave set of stressors line up.

What I think is really going on for me is that even after all this time (3yrs), all this reading & hearing about SA, all this damn counseling, meetings, etc. blah blah...rage is the only response to the grief and anger of loss this deep that is possible for me. Yet, it does me no good either. Complete acceptance still eludes me.

Interested to hear from others on this.

needfriendshere posted 7/25/2014 14:29 PM

Skan, I can see that you are suffering. And my heart goes out to you. Again, it is that feeling that we are betraying ourselves. I always thought that my H having an A would be a deal-breaker for us too. Heck, I broke up with really nice guys over much, MUCH less than what my H has done to me.

And if, like your H, my H wasn't trying so hard to more than make up for what he did and if he, like your H, was not truly remorseful, I'd be outta here. I think part of what makes us stay and work it out is that we took our vows before our Maker, our friends, and our family very seriously. And we hope that, now, the blinders have fallen off their eyes and they will too.

Hang in there, my friend! Better days are ahead - I promise!!

rachelc posted 7/25/2014 14:33 PM

And yet, part of me thinks, if I had simply divorced him immediately, I would probably be over him right now and be settled in a life of my own right now. I wouldnít still be fighting this fight. I would be well on my way to being over it. Rightly or wrongly.

could have written this..and a lot of your first post in the thread. Yesterday = great. Two days ago - not filing for divorce.
Yet, I'm moving forward with triggers. He ate at the club OW1 belongs to. Nothing on my end.

DixieD posted 7/25/2014 14:36 PM

Skan, I'm sorry you are going through this. That rage can be scary and you don't want to get stuck in it.

Did you express your rage directly to your husband at some point or did you keep that to yourself? I expressed it directly and I think that helped me process through it. Does your husband know you rage and have these feelings?

That anger that rises from feeling like we betrayed ourselves by it not being a dealbreaker is very tough too. (((Skan)))

yearsofpain25 posted 7/25/2014 14:37 PM

Skan, I can relate and have my own thread going on now on some of these topics over in OT. The hollow feeling of not having any self worth myself is being pulled forward as I write these words. I think there's many facets to what we feel other than trying to reconcile two pieces of ourselves. Yes, it's kinda like light and dark but there's a whole lotta grey in between too.

The rage against the injustice of it all. Yes. It's fierce. Yes. I have it for my FOO. Yes, I have directed it at myself. I have so many cycles that I can go to but I have found that rage is the easiest to embrace isn't it? That feeling of injustice turns us to rage. Sometimes it's the frustration that turns us to rage. Sometimes it's the rejection that turns us to rage. Sometimes it's what we were never allowed to have that turns us to rage. Sometimes it's what we are left holding that turns us to rage. Rage, IMHO, is the easier emotion. It's a defense mechanism all it's own. If we didn't feel the rage, what hollow desperate emotions are we left with? I don't like to look at those feelings. I would much rather embrace the anger and rage. There are so many negative emotions but rage allows us to be somewhat productive rather than curling up under covers and not wanting to see the light of day. Rage allows me to ignore the feelings that I really don't want to face.

And yet, within us is the kind gentle souls that want to believe in humanity. Compassionate. I see you in the forums everyday helping people. You were so instrumental to me in my own fight and you continue to be. I don't have an answer for you as far as reconciling all of these emotions because I cannot do it myself. But I want you to know that you are not alone. That I have seen your true colors which includes the rage, but does not define you as a person. You are a bright, articulate, and kind soul. You are all of these things Skan. More than two of you of just being angry or loving. You are everything in between as well.

Many here stand with you in all of these things. We embrace you with your rage and all. Take a deep breath and know that know matter how you feel, you are more than justified to feel it.

yop

rachelc posted 7/25/2014 14:43 PM

Did you express your rage directly to your husband at some point or did you keep that to yourself? I expressed it directly and I think that helped me process through it. Does your husband know you rage and have these feelings?

see, I really feel that some of the advice on this forum goes in two directions. Do we express the rage or try to deal with it ourselves? When I have triggers do I deal with it myself in some way so that it doesn't spiral out of control or do I express it to my husband?

I hope this isn't a t/j. Maybe others are interested as it pertains to the main topic? sorry, Skan, if it is...

DixieD posted 7/25/2014 15:10 PM

Rachel how I deal with triggers now is not how I dealt with them then. I was a raging lunatic early on. I needed EMDR because I would spiral out of control. My rage was scary, and it took a while to subside. I raged about a lot of things from years ago, not just things from the affair.

That being said, I don't regret it. It didn't derail R for us. As a matter of fact, my husband thinks WS's should see a BS's anger, rage, pain all of it. They need to see it. But everyone is different and everyone's journey for R is different.

My husband was not defensive. Actually, that's not true, in the very beginning he was defensive and that just outraged me even more. He realized defensive wasn't the way to go. I know there are people on SI who think you shouldn't rage at your spouse and you should be able to conduct yourself better than that. Well, if I'd been emotionally healthy in the first place, I don't think I would have ended up here to begin with. I would have divorced prior to dday instead. I also know there are BS who feel like they missed their window of opportunity to rage or express anger because they didn't do it early on and then their WS is doing everything they can and how can they be 'nasty/angry' at someone who was trying so hard? What is the point by then? So, there are a lot of different ways this can play out.

As I said, triggers don't affect me the same way anymore. I deal with them better now. I improved with help of therapy and my husband helped me and I helped myself. It took a lot to get here.

Now, I may say I feel triggery and not even give an exact reason why and leave it at that. Sometimes I just acknowledge it to myself. But I've found if I do that and don't express it to my husband, it may fester into something larger, so it's best for me to get it out and say something. I mentioned I was triggery about something last night and I woke up to a couple notes nice little notes. How do I stay angry at that? I mean, I'm still hurt. The pain is still there but it sucks because it's just there -- it is what it is. It's tied to the past and it's not what is reflective of what is happening right now in the present. I had a very hard time distinguishing the past and the present before, and that would derail me and cause me to spiral. Now it doesn't and that's only in the last 6 months I think.

Hope that wasn't too much of a t/j.

DixieD posted 7/25/2014 15:10 PM

Who calls herself stupid, ugly, whore, lazy, asshole.

I understand rage Skan, but it's this part that concerns me. Rage and feelings of self-destructiveness can be addictive. I remember feeling that sort of self-destructive rage deep down as a teenager or in my 20's and needing to drink or drive my car really fast and press my luck. For the record, I never combined those two activities. It was a sign to me that I needed help.

I hope you are getting help with this Skan.

[This message edited by DixieD at 3:20 PM, July 25th (Friday)]

918Mama posted 7/25/2014 15:22 PM

And yet, part of me thinks, if I had simply divorced him immediately, I would probably be over him right now and be settled in a life of my own right now. I wouldnít still be fighting this fight. I would be well on my way to being over it. Rightly or wrongly.

Yes. This exactly!!

Oh how many times I've gone here too. I'm going to share what my IC says and you tell me if it resonates with you.

We pick people to be with based on the level of healthiness or unhealthiness that exists within us. Or disfunction, if you will. It's like going to another country and hearing someone that speaks our language. We are automatically drawn to them.

So, we get into relationship and the unhealthy or dysfunctional aspects continue. Until they reach a tipping point - like infidelity. So then we make choices: acknowledge or rug sweep. Work on the disfunction or dismiss it. Move forward with that person or get a new one.

You pick, acknowledge the issues, work on them, continue with the same person. And you get all the benefits from doing that work that you never had in the person pre-tipping point. Awesome!!!! You also get the same person who caused the pain. Yuck!

What Skan has to decide...is the benefit of what comes in the new life worth staying with the old person to keep? Or is it worth taking all the new healthy habits into a new relationship with someone who hasn't caused the pain.

But who is still human and absolutely could cause you pain in the future.

So that's the question Skan...stay with someone who learned the stove is hot and not to put things he loves in the fire? Or find someone who hasn't touched the stove to know it's hot. But could.

What I'm finding is that this recovery is my very own 12 step process. And when I'm overwhelmed and hiding under the table (or in the shower, contemplating running away and leaving my family behind...hypothetically ) I find the courage to continue by telling myself "just for today."

Just for today I will stay married. Just for today I will not kill him. Just for today I will remain faithful.

Stay in the moment Skan. See what you can do today. Tomorrow is another day.

[This message edited by 918Mama at 3:24 PM, July 25th (Friday)]

painfulpast posted 7/25/2014 15:56 PM

Skan, you aren't alone.

The other side of me wants destruction, ruin, and blood to flow. I keep trying to feed the positive part of my nature, yet that self-destructive part demands attention too. So when Iím alone, I rage, I scream, I break things, I mourn. This rage has come out of the blue, during a time when I thought that I was over it. I try to look deeply inside and itís not because I think that my FWH is doing anything. Its rage at injustice. Its rage at unfairness. Its rage because I really donít find myself worthy. Its self-directed and internal. And I need to get a handle on it, because it does me no good.

This was me, for years. Occasionally, it still is, but not as often. I questioned myself for staying with a cheater for so long. I hated myself for being weak, for staying, for still loving him. I wondered so often where I would be, who I would be with, what things I would have done, had I not sat in my house and stayed with him. I wondered why I had to live so miserably while he (and she) just went on as if nothing happened. I wondered what I had done to deserve this, and why there really was no justice in the world.

I've finally forgiven myself for staying, but I still wonder why there is no justice.

rachelc posted 7/25/2014 15:58 PM

great info here. Thanks everyone!

Skan posted 7/25/2014 16:01 PM

Thanks so much. It is SUCH a relief to be able to express these sometimes un-expressible feelings to people who get it. Who don't look startled, avert their eyes, and then walk away quickly.

Thanks YOP. Got your back too, buddy.

Yes. Oh believe me, I have SO expressed my rage to my FWH, especially early on. I am not a believer in holding back on these emotions because I think it's not only a disservice to the person feeling them, but its a disservice to the person who caused them, to try to "spare" them the consequences of their actions. And I will be talking this out with FWH over this weekend. It's something that he needs to know and something that I need him to acknowledge and help me deal with. Quite honestly, I thought (naively, it seems) that I was over this rage part. Anger, yeah, expect that upon occasion. Sad, melancholy, down days, check. But rage, pure, red-tinged lava exploding rage, I thought I was over. Obviously I have more digging to do. I must not have completely lanced this abscess.

And that devil on my shoulder chanting the What Ifs chiming in right now doesn't help one bit. Do I really see my life with someone else? No. Do I want to grow old with the man that my FWH is becoming? Yes. I think that the pain in the rage helps my mind to "go there," away, to that peaceful place I can envision where it's just me and the cat. My own particular unhealthy fantasy, I guess. My own slice of unreality.

Thanks for being out there listening. I appreciate it.

whattheh posted 7/25/2014 16:15 PM

I believe that it ended up showing my fWH the depth of what he did by not shielding him from my rage.

When I raged alone I told him about it later.

I totally get the two different sides of this too.. rage and love

[This message edited by whattheh at 4:16 PM, July 25th (Friday)]

Skan posted 7/25/2014 16:37 PM

Yeah, sometimes I tell myself (and others) that if you didn't love so much, you wouldn't hurt so much.

hopefull77 posted 7/25/2014 20:18 PM

Yes skan love is why we are still here...

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