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Newest Member: OliviaHealing (46051)

User Topic: unreasonable feelings about trust
mbbd
♀ 41828
Member # 41828
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To make a long story very short...My WH's affair partner, who he met through an online situation, flew in from out of state and met with my H while I was away on business. Our 2 year antiversary is 2 days away. We have worked so hard to reconcile and our marriage is in a much better place. I have to go away on business for a night next week. This afternoon, after I told my H I was going,I had a sort of a panic attack. Started thinking that I shouldn't go, shouldn't have told him in advance, can I not go, etc.

Why is this happening to me? Is it the antiversary date or am I just destined to be traumatized by this for the long haul? He has given me no reason to feel this way. When does the trust return? Does it ever? I am in tears that I am still reliving this hell.

Your thoughts are appreciated. So truly sad.

[This message edited by mbbd at 12:58 PM, July 25th (Friday)]


Posts: 84 | Registered: Dec 2013
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a bit confused. You say your H broke NC while you were away, and the flight implies it might have been a planned NC break, and you're questioning having a panic attack. Have I read you right?

If my W met with her ap after 2 years, especially when I was away, I'd be devastated. I'd be deep in grief, rage, and fear. But I wouldn't be asking if I was over-reacting.

Will you add some context to your H's breaking NC? Was he complicit in planning it, or did the **** surprise him? How did he respond, if she surprised him?


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10772 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
mbbd
♀ 41828
Member # 41828
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope... not what happened... thankfully. I will redo post to clarify. It was a bad time, trigger I suppose, related to the fact that the first time they were together was when he met her after picking her up from the airport when I was away on business.
Thank you sisoon, for your response... so glad that is not my situation.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Dec 2013
BtraydWife
♀ 42581
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do think it's just too close in criteria to his past hook up and being so close in days until your anti doesn't help.

Talk to him about it. I don't think it ever really goes away because we know they ARE capable. It will just take getting through plenty of these situations safely until they don't stir such a primal fear.

Hugs to you. I know it's hard. Glad R is going well for you. Hang in there.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 2620 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
mbbd
♀ 41828
Member # 41828
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told him a little while ago that I had a bad afternoon. That he did nothing wrong but my mind got triggered by the trauma of the original discovery that is now 2 years ago and that I am so fed up with feeling things that aren't relevant to reality now. He said that I should go, and we could facetime the entire night if it made me feel better. I said it's ridiculous and he said he would jump through hoops to make me feel better if that's what it took. And that is what it took to feel better. I do now.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Dec 2013
BtraydWife
♀ 42581
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's a really great response from him. Take him up on it and maybe the time after that won't be as bad. I understand that you are tired of feeling this way but those primal fears need to be tended to so they diminish in a healthy way. That's real reconciliation. Squashing them down will only prolong the suffering.

I'm proud of your H's answer. He sounds understanding and compassionate to the roller coater he put you on. Let him help you with this next time.

You are doing a great job.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 2620 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I reread your post just now, and I wonder why I was confused. I take it that the meet-up was 2 years ago....

In any case, I think BtraydWife identified the issue.

My w was away for the first time since D-day last week. Maybe I misread your post because I was triggering.

I know I had some of the feelings I had during her A while she was away, even though she's consistently been doing the work of R for 3.5 years.... Triggers suck, but they happen.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10772 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
mbbd
♀ 41828
Member # 41828
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your responses! You have no idea how much they helped! Wishing you all peace!

Posts: 84 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 8

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