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Yesterday I posted my letter on here that we sent to OW. Here is what my husband wrote to her, followed by my letter. After sending OW a no contact letter back in April, we had agreed not to send anything else to her. But when she emailed my husband four more times, I sent a fb message to her husband, just letting him know. She then began to harass me. What my husband wrote to her was harsh- fair warning! But I feel like he has finally stood up for me. (His NC letter was very polite and he took ALL the blame in it.) Anyway, that is the back story. Oh, the picture WH is referring to is the one she sent me on d-day. It is a selfie of the two of them in bed together. He was asleep and she was smiling.
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Heather,
Everything in Tammy's letter below is true. I wanted to send it to you because Tammy is waffling as to whether or not to send it, and I want you to know how we both felt. I totally support her, and I have wronged her in more ways than I can ever fathom. At this point, I want you to go into a hole and die, but in lieu of that please leave me and my family alone. I have told Tammy EVERYTHING that you can ever send her, but please feel free to keep sending more and more hate filled lies and bullshit. You are an evil, soulless tramp who doesn't deserve my love, Michael's or anyone else's. I hope that you realize the pain and suffering that you are causing EVERYONE around you. One day, I and the rest of the world can only hope that you find the strength to PAUSE before you hit send on the FaceBook / email / text / whatever is your latest social "Please Love Me World" button to the world, and realize that you are a total ignorant, uneducated and insignificant peon, and mostly people don't give a SHIT about what you have to say. You are petty, conniving, evil and an all around self centered bitch. I hate that I EVER stooped to pretend to even like you, and let on that you were anything other than an extended one-night stand gone wrong. I have the love of my life here and I have fucking ruined it over you! (P.S. Yes, you have had a big hand in accomplishing ruining an 18 year marriage and 20 year love affair, congratulations! But don't worry, should you keep harassing me and my family, I will send this note to Michael, along with all of the other lies and betrayals that you have reaped upon him. Since you seem to want total devastation, the way you always planned. I thought that I would help you in that regards, also....)

Anyway, please go fuck yourself. Here is the letter from Tammy below, and just so there is NO ROOM for misinterpretation (since apparently my letter did NOT sink in...), DO NOT EVER email, phone, text, Facebook message, smoke signal me or ANY OTHER form of communication that your pea brain can come up with. Am I being vague? How dare you tell Tammy to not contact "your family" again. You are a fucking coward! You contact her behind the veil of "whoops, I didn't mean to send you that picture" (or the other 3-4 notes that you sent I guess?!?) Then, you go and send me 4 different notes trying to get me to "meet you one last time", or I'm sorry, are you going to try and deny those too, you lying fucking whore! I have the IP traced and locked, so please don't try. (And yeah, if Michael is reading this too, it's called VisualRoute, you may need to spell it out for his ignorant ass...) And just curious, what kind of psycho stalker whore takes a picture of someone while they are sleeping with them...hmmm, oh yeah, you do.

So, in summary... I never want to talk to / see you / hear from you again. I want you to leave me and my family alone FOREVER. I am not sure if I can be anymore clear. Good luck in your home wrecking ways (i.e. Asian dude from NC that Michael called and threatened to tell his wife that you happened to also have slept with, but I'm sure that he knows all about that by now since you are such an honest, God-fearing Christian now...)

John

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Heather,
I just want to tell you my true thoughts. First of all, you are a fool if you think John would have ever left me for you. Married men with a history as deep and long as ours almost never leave their wives. I have a twenty year history with John that you simply cannot compete with. We share thousands of special memories and connections. It is no accident that we have stayed together this long. We have massive amounts of love, attraction, and passion for each other. We are both highly educated individuals, and share an intellectual connection as well. I am also the mother of his children. We share this beautiful, amazing bond that you will never have.

You completely underestimated the amount of love John had for me. The fact is, I won him back without ever knowing you existed. I never even knew what I was competing against, and yet I still won. That night at the Tavern (late July), John and I both realized that we didn’t want to divorce. (He probably didn’t tell you about that night.) We spent most of the night crying after we started to really talk about our problems. We have laughed about how our waiter must have thought we were crazy. We were just missing each other so much, but didn’t know how to fix our problems. For the first time in a long while, I saw the man I fell in love with so many years ago. It changed everything for me. I made a decision that night to start working on myself, and to fight for my marriage.

John has made a lot of mistakes, and lost his way for a while. He will have to work every day to make it up to me and prove that he is deserving and worthy of me. He is striving to do that now. He has answered every question I’ve had about your fling, and he is extremely remorseful. He regrets everything. While he was with you, John never stopped having sex with me. You may not be aware of that. He told you what you wanted to hear. Actually, none of this was about sex. He was vulnerable to an affair because he wasn’t getting the attention he needed from me, and seeking an escape from general unhappiness. You were just easy, and met him at his lowest point. Love, passion, and sex were never problems for us- even during that dark period. We experienced a perfect stress storm of job layoffs, financial disaster, new baby, paying for two houses, and then John having to travel all the time.

Right now, I’m letting John stay as we see if I can get past all of this. I’m allowing myself the freedom to change my mind at any time. (Meanwhile, I’ve been enjoying the best sex of my life!) He is paying a large price for his selfish actions. He has had to see and experience my pain and anger. He wants so much to fix it, but he can’t. It’s extremely difficult for a man to see his wife suffer and know that he caused it. I wonder what your punishment will be. You knowingly went after a married man with three kids. I guess destroying lives is some sick game to you. As a mother, I don’t understand how you could try to ruin the lives of my innocent children. I suppose you really are just a horrible, selfish person.

Even if I decide to leave John, I’m certain that he will not go back to you. I don’t think you really knew him at all. It’s ironic because you represent everything that John hates in a woman. For example, he has no respect for women who are vain and take pictures of themselves all the time. He hated the fact that you are a bad mother. (Yes, he told me about your kids not living with you, by your choice.) He has talked at length to me about how shallow and immature you are. He can’t stand women who are loud and obnoxious. You never had him fooled. He was embarrassed of you. He knew all along that you were a complete low-class whore, who was just looking for the best deal. Well, you aren’t going to get him. You are not going to take what is mine and what I’ve spent twenty years building. In fact, you have no power over either of us. I have no intention of spending any more of my time on you. Instead I will put all of my energy into my marriage and family.

By sending me that picture in April, you essentially sealed your fate with John. He is now fully aware of what a vindictive, selfish, and heartless person you are. You are pathetic. He would never in a million years marry someone like you. Any woman with a shred of self-respect would never seek out a married man, especially one with kids. A truly good person would never even be interested in that. You are nothing, and you don’t mean anything to John. If it weren’t you, it would have been someone else. There is nothing special about you. Outer beauty is how you attract a man. Having inner beauty is how you keep one. Grace, class, and integrity are words you apparently don’t understand the meaning of. I’m not a bit threatened by you. I know where I stand in his heart.

Tammy

[This message edited by Tammy1 at 6:51 PM, July 25th (Friday)]

Here is the nasty-gram OW sent me last week that sparked all of this. She is a gem!
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Umm. Why you are messaging my husband I do not know. I would love to see theses emails that "I sent" if you could just please go keep living in your ignorant bliss that would be great. I am sure you have no clue that John was cheating on you the whole time you were pregnant with Liam, oh yea I know that girl. Also, that John and I went to New York, New Orleans, Memphis twice, Atlanta.
I was pregnant and has a miscarriage. Or even the fact that my place was 2 miles down the road and he would sleep there 3 and 4 times a week and tell you he was out of town. I bet you didn't know he threw my a huge surprise party for my birthday with all my friends... or that he called me his fiance and tried to plan his move. I bet you also don't know he would cook me dinner all the time and bought me flowers every month. Yeah, that'd what I thought. Please leave me and my family alone. Thanks.

Wow. I have no idea what to make of both of your letters to OW. It just seems wrong. I mean, the WH did all of these same things. How can he now stand on a soap box and preach and degrade? Made me wince.

Well, that is why he didn't say anything for three months. He knows that he is the one who betrayed me, and that my anger should be directed at him. But OW has never been held accountable for her actions or shown a shred or remorse. She is still trying to break up my marriage and rub the affair in my face. When she started attacking me, WH had finally had enough. Until that point we were trying to take the high road. I showed everything to my counselor this week. She thinks OW is delusional needed to be shaken up by him. OW truly believed that he still wanted her.

I would just forward her email to you-to her husband. Let him read her bragging about being your husband's whore.

Then I'd block her email, her phone#, and never ever respond and give her the satisfaction. She is worthy of being ignored and that's it. If she continues to try to contact you have an attorney send her a letter saying to stop.

Don't dignify the slop pouring out of her face with a response. Who cares what a whore thinks.

And yeah, if Michael is reading this too, it's called VisualRoute, you may need to spell it out for his ignorant ass..

This is from your WH, an AP himself - about the other BS? Hmmmm. The other BS may have defended his WS, or reacted in other ways that seem poor to you both, but that's a pretty crappy attitude to the other betrayed spouse who perhaps feels as devastated as you do.

It can be useful to band together in the face of an AP, particularly a rabid one, as you seem to have. But any contact continues to keep her IN your marriage. Even famous "last words". Eventually you will have to deal with just each other. My 2c. Good luck.

Why does your WH--the man who participated in harming the OBS--feel entitled to insult him in his letter? I find this incredibly nonempathetic and distasteful.

I suspect you both have left windows WIDE open for more communication with OW. Time to learn to protect your windows and doors.

The poor OBS. He did not deserve this treatment. He did nothing to either of you.

Yikes, there's quite the dynamic there. I hope you both feel better purging every thought you have about the OW and situation. The emotion you and your WS have put towards this woman could be better spent somewhere else. Who cares what she thinks at this point- you and your WS have clearly decided your marriage is worth fighting for. I don't doubt she's been a persistent black cloud over your marriage, but I hope you and your WS can just concentrate on what's most important- your relationship.

The lack of empathy for the OBS in your husband's email is astonishing. If it were me, he'd probably have to learn how to chew with a few less teeth. What an asshole you're married to.

Gently, this dynamic seems really dysfunctional and it is time to just cut communications. Manifestos don't resolve anything, nor do insults. Did the OBS do something to harm you? Block communication with these folks and good luck to you in your healing. I get how it can help to lash out at others but you are living with the person who betrayed you and that's what really requires focus.

This is definitely an emotional rollercoaster and you've got a gross situation with FAP that add to the drama. But...
What is generally reccomended is that you both go NC with AP which means no mental contact too. Responding to someone like that and giving them insight into your personal relationship and thoughts and feelings is giving her rewards for her obnoxious behavior. Calling her horrible names and telling her she is worthless show her that she still holds a place in your thoughts and the strength of the emotion behind those words means it's a pretty big place. That feeds her. She must love knowing she's gotten under your skin. I agree that you should simply block her. Block and ignore. No feedback equals no reward. Leave her in the past.

I have to say I'm with the other posters. Your WH is acting as though he's somehow above all this and then he turns around and disrespects the other BH on top of everything else. Who the hell is HE to feel entitled to do that after the incredible disrespect he's already shown this poor guy?

It sounds as though your husband is using an age old tactic of uniting with you to focus your anger on the OW and this, in effect, gets the heat off HIM. Either way, he's a completely classless fool for feeling he had ANY right to insult the BH after his disgusting behavior with the guy's wife.

Your husband is the one who invited all this crap into your lives. HE'S the one who engaged in an affair with this nasty piece of work OW, so to turn around and act as though he's any better than her is ridiculous.

Lastly, your husband is damned lucky this BH has come looking for him to settle the score. I wouldn't be surprised if he does one day.

Good luck to you.

I don't know, I see it a bit differently myself.

This OW seems to be trying to provoke her into believing there was more than just sex with their A. Since a NC letter was sent, and ignored, this seems like a FWS and BS attempting to show unequivocally a united front to the former AP. I also see it as the H writing this letter for his W's sake as much as the former AP's.

But I don't understand the bashing of the BS myself either. That is completely wrong no matter what, especially from the guy who was sleeping with the BS's W.

I do think NC is the better route and I doubt this letter will serve to end things. Regardless what the former AP will do now, I hope this is their last communication with her completely.

There is way too much passion & emotion packed into that (those) letters. Crickets speak louder than words. Honestly, what she read was more like "He is still thinking of me!"

And just curious, what kind of psycho stalker whore takes a picture of someone while they are sleeping with them...hmmm, oh yeah, you do

Ummmm, dude - you're married. You should not have been there for her to take a pic of. Blameshift much?

Block, Block, Block. If real harassment continues, call the police. You should not even bother to read anything that comes to you from her - if you get an email - delete (though you can avoid this by blocking now). VM messages - once you realize it's her, delete (again, block and you won't have to deal). FB - BLOCK.

It's still early in this fight for you. You really want him to get to indifference towards her. He is projecting his anger at himself at her in order to shift your focus.

She said in her email "Leave me alone". Give her that wish and give yourselves some peace.

[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 2:28 PM, July 26th (Saturday)]

I agree with above posters who say...NO Contact.
You are engaging a crazy person. If you do not engage there will not be an opportunity for response. Block her on both phones, emails, Facebook and any other social media.

No new contact, no new hurts.

If that doesn't work, call your lawyer. Just don't stoop to their level in any way shape or form.

It may feel good to get this off your chest now, but it sounds like you both are opening yourselves up to a whole new can of worms that might get really ugly.

Just end it all now...this is just what the crazy OW is looking for....a way to get under your skin and piss you off. Don't respond to a nobody. She doesn't deserve your headspace. She's not worth it.

The focus is definitely shifted to the OW, focus on you and hold your WS accountable to YOU.

A simple do not contact me again or I will involve authorities should suffice.

Thank you for your thoughts. It is good for me to see different perspectives. I do need to clarify one thing though. OW did not get married until February of this year. She met her now husband during her affair with my husband. He knew she was sleeping with a married man all along. That is why he married OW so quickly. He was trying to win her over from my husband. She married him because my husband wouldn't leave me for her. (Yes that whole love triangle was f'd up!) Apparently my WH and OW's husband had a few heated exchanges in the past. That is why you read a lack of empathy towards her husband in the note he wrote to OW.

Not that I'm excusing my WH's behavior at all. Trying to accept what he has done to me is the hardest thing in the world. Neither of us have any desire or need for further contact with OW. I've said everything I wanted to say.

That does make more sense than WH just being a jerk to this poor betrayed man (I seriously expected "And yeah, if Michael is reading this too, it's called VisualRoute, you may need to spell it out for his ignorant ass..." to be followed by "lol winky face I fucked your wife."

But even your explanation fails to lower a red flag for me. Did your WH and OW ever spend time in bed talking shit about their BSs? I know a lot of cheaters will complain about their M, whether the complaints are real or fabricated. So when I read that your WH was communicating to OW about her BH being "ignorant," it struck me as a continuation of the A discourse. Maybe even an inside joke or something she has previously complained about.

And the fact that he thinks this man is ignorant for knowingly marrying a cheater, I wonder what he thinks of you for unknowingly marrying a cheater... That really rubs me the wrong way.

And the fact that he thinks this man is ignorant for knowingly marrying a cheater, I wonder what he thinks of you for unknowingly marrying a cheater... That really rubs me the wrong way.

Yea, I read a double standard here too. I mean, does he think you are ignorant for giving him a chance to R? I just get the feeling that he feels he is *above* it all, when in reality, he is knee deep in the same shit he is shaming others for.

You are very early in the process. Make sure his actions match his words. I'm glad you feel he is defending you, standing up for you & your M. But it takes a lot more introspection on his part to change his thinking & coping patterns.