I don't know where to start with all of this.
I guess I should tell you that I'm female, 29, that I'm not married to my "WS" and now, maybe never will be. He's been married once before, years ago, and she was never faithful. I don't think she ever intented to be. He bore it, at least for a time, but eventually moved on(her wishes, not his). After a time he left that relationship for another, and then I came along. I liked to think that the cycle stopped there.
This man, let me tell you, is a fascination. He is intelligent, but more than that, he's hungry. He wants to know so much, learn so much. He is an enthusiastic learner, an emphatic doer of things-- He makes props and clothes and art so expertly that he's developed a rather well- deserved fan base, exposes his soul to philosophy with a vigor and sincerity that's almost childlike-- And yet it's tempered with the sort of worldly patience that only comes from past trauma, if you know how to see that. He's charming, polite, well-spoken, and prone to doing things for people just to make them happy. He loves and treasures his family. He's kind to animals. He taught me to Waltz in our living room, one of the many dances he picked up during his days as a Cotillion escort. He's staggeringly easy on the eyes. Since meeting him, I have literally never had a single encounter with him wherein I wasn't at least briefly stricken by how attractive he is-- Yes, even now, in light of all of this, I can't help myself.
What eats at me now is the thought that the way I look at him in those moments, that possessive sort of awestruck admiration, is something I now know that I share with someone else. Because what happened wasn't just a physical betrayal, but an emotional affair as well, which lasted(by my reckoning, according to what I've pieced together/been told) for about nine months. They were in love. She thought he was hers, at least partially, and would be entirely hers in time. She looked at him and thought the word "Mine," and that eats at me every time I do the same. Because how do I know which one of us is or was wrong about it? If either of us were? Neither of us?
I don't know how much detail is usually shared in one's first post, so I guess I'll spare you all the few gritty details I've gotten. The short version is to say that the OW in question is my younger brother's long-term girlfriend, which worsens things somewhat all around. He and she have always had an open relationship, but that notwithstanding certain people are still supposed to be "off-limits," and she betrayed him by not honoring that clause. He found out months before I did, but was sworn to secrecy by both her and my WS. As a result, I kind of can't help but feel like I got betrayed by three people here instead of just one.
She's the one who finally came clean, alarmingly. She and I have never gotten along for various reasons, but for the last few months I'd really been making an effort. I was quicker to compliment her about her outfit choices or hairstyles, I worked harder to laugh off her frequent inappropriate jokes. I got her a job with my company, putting my neck on the line in the process. All this, because (HA HA) my WS had expressed a need for more friends in the area, and she shared many of his interests, so I wanted to be supportive. She'd always had an almost embarrassingly transparant crush on him, but we all just sort of laughed it off. He was too honest a person, too devoted to me, to indulge her. Surely, he could be trusted even with how desperately she threw herself at him. I was determined not to play the insecure, paranoid girlfriend. Ahh, hindsight really is 20/20.
She came clean at the beginning of a shift we were working together. The details get rather convoluted, but I had questioned her from a deliberately non-accusatory standpoint a few minutes prior. "What do you two text about so much?" I asked, citing the very true reason that I knew he was holding something back from me and that I was hoping to gain insight. When her answers didn't match his, I grew concerned. "Is there something deeper going on here? Has there ever been any flirtation, any hinting... From either of you?" She swore up and down that nothing of the sort was going on. I excused myself, and she followed me outside a minute later. "If there HAD been anything... Would you really want to hear it from me?" At that moment, I knew. People don't just ask a question like that for no reason. I told her that it's the sort of thing you'd want to hear, regardless of the source, and a few moments later, she dropped her eyes and shook her head. "I'm just so tired of lying." I've never liked her much, but I had to respect her a little in that moment.
Since then it's been TT from my WS, though the worst of it finally came out when I confronted him. He denied it up until the last second. It took me repeatedly saying the words "Sweetheart, she TOLD me," for him to give in and confess, and that cuts me like a knife to this day. He lied, and she didn't. She, who has never liked me either, who had every reason NOT to tell me the truth, still found the courage to do so... And he, the man who was my world, didn't. Couldn't. Wouldn't. I didn't manage to cry for almost a week, but I shook like a leaf for the next 48 hours solid.
I left our shared home to stay with my parents for a few days, and we texted a little bit in that time. I confess, the primary reason behind my return was work; our apartment is less than 10 minutes from my job versus the 40-minute drive from my parents' place, and I drive an SUV with a V8... That commute gets expensive pretty quickly. When I returned, I grilled him about whether or not they had used protection, and from there step one was to get us both tested for STDs(as I mentioned, she's a rather social individual). By the grace of whatever benevolent creator to which any of you might subscribe, we're both still clean.
He and I have had a lot of ups and downs since my world got torn apart, but I can at least say he's stood fast with me. A few days after D-Day I discovered a couple of other transgressions on his part, online text-based trysts, but he'd(at least allegedly) ended those months before and there was no real "threat" there. There was still hurt thanks to the way he'd lied about there being anything more to uncover, of course, but that part was far and away worse than the dalliances themselves. Since then he's been at my side every moment, talking to me every time I ask without hesitation, reassuring me, doting on me. I still can't shake the feeling that there's more I'm not being told, though, and if this experience has taught me nothing else it's taught me that from now on, I've got to listen to my gut more and my head less. I've told him that total transparency is necessary from now on, that it's important that I have full access to his phone and PC, that I know his various passwords... He's been resistent enough about that that it concerns me. He's willing, but not happy about it, and that sticks in my craw. I can't tell if I'm listening to my gut or if I'm just being suspicious because of what's happened, or both. I've never been the type of person to snoop or want to invade another's privacy, and the thought of demanding the right to do so niggles me... But not as much as his hesitance to oblige.
I apologize for how long this post has gotten, and if you've managed to get through it all, I applaud you. I should probably go ahead and wrap it up, with a tidy little summary for the impatient ones who'll just skim straight to the bottom:
Hi there. Twenty days ago, I found out that I got cheated on, and lied to, and then lied to some more. I think I might finally be getting to the end of it all now, and against all odds I'm actually sort of hopeful.