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TodayImStronger posted 7/26/2014 10:03 AM

Is this normal? We were doing well as far as transparency and working on rebuilding trust. We've only been working on things for 6 months. I saw that he made a LOT of changes.

But he has also been dealing with depression, which has slowly been getting worse over the past 6 months. He got drunk 2 weeks ago and told me he is done making me miserable and can't be the husband I need him to be.

So he gets his privacy back and we're backing off from any and all relationship stuff for now. He says I'm the coolest person he's ever met, I'm the light in his darkness, I'm probably literally saving his life by being there for him, and he's sorry he hasn't always been able to be there for me. He says he loves me as a person and always will. He still asks if I want to hang out and he has opened up to me a lot more since we started this "break" crap.

I just don't know what to expect. In my perfect world, he gets time and space to deal with the critical issues right now with his mental health. I know that he is in NO position to be dealing with relationship stress when he can barely get through each day alive. He finally agreed to start the antidepressants the doctor gave him like 2 months ago. He started those a couple days ago.

I want to believe this is the depression talking and that he doesn't really want to end things. If he did, he could leave. He has places to go. I want to believe he will take this time to realize that he does really want to be with me, and then start showing me that through his actions, not just his words.

I know he has issues he needs to work out and it needs to be on his own. There are just certain things I can't help him with or be part of. It has to be his decision and he needs to feel like he isn't stuck with me because we have kids.

I'm terrified he will choose to leave, though. I'm hoping for the best and trying my best to prepare for the worst. I don't know what to do. I've read positive stories from people in similar situations. A break is what they needed to realize the grass really isn't greener, so to speak. I do want someone who feels like they CHOSE to be with me and they WANT to be with me, not that they are here out of duty or doing what everyone else thinks is right. I got pregnant 1 month into our relationship, and I feel like that has set the tone for the past 6 1/2 years. A series of things he felt like he wasn't 100% on, but said yes anyway because it was the "right" thing to do.

I love him enough to give him this space. It's hard and I feel like I'm being naive or stupid. I am not ready to give up and I will not accept him ending things in his current state of mind.

Does this get better? I've been hysterical today because our plans for future dates and time together are just cancelled. I was really looking forward to that stuff and to reconnecting, and now it isn't going to happen for a very long time. :'(

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/26/2014 10:34 AM

Your story wasn't in your profile so I had to read your past posts to get an idea of your situation.

I hate to say it, but this guy hasn't been one bit remorseful for anything he's ever done. Ever.

All he does is act like a jackass and constantly cross boundaries, then give you that wide-eyed look of surprise when you call him on his shit.

I honestly don't believe for one single second that his 10 month 'friendship' with his OW co-worker was just an EA. Not even one second. Anytime cheaters have face time together, they're going to take advantage of it. Sorry.

You basically only know the bullshit he's telling you. I actually chuckled when I read one of your posts where you say HE claimed that his OW co-worker had found someone 'else' to talk to and he was all bummed out about it. What a line of bullshit - designed PURELY to throw you off the scent. You can't believe anything out of his mouth - ESPECIALLY since the guy has zero remorse for what he's done, and all he ever tells you is that he doesn't see himself sticking around for the long haul. Almost every one of your posts mentions some nasty comment he's made about not wanting to live with you forever, or he wants his own place, or he's not sure he loves you, or he loves you 'as a person' and on and on and on. He's basically voiced it more times than I can count that he's NOT in it to win it.

So anything out of his mouth can't be believed. The reason I say I chuckled about his ridiculous comment that the OW has a new 'friend' to talk to is that it reminded me so much of the same bullshit story I was told by my cheating ex. It's simply a line of crap designed to throw you off the track and nothing more. My ex claimed that the OW had gone back to her old ex boyfriend - except he'd told SO many lies at that point that he couldn't even remember what he'd said and what he hadn't said anymore. About a week later when I mentioned something about his fat-ass OW being back with her old boyfriend, my ex actually looked at me like I had two heads and asked, "where did you get THAT idea???" I told him HE had told me that one week ago!!!!! He actually told me I was crazy and that he had never said it. I told him he had lied so friggen much that he couldn't even keep his stories straight anymore.

Your husband's story about the OW getting a new friend sounds like a crock of shit, plain and simple.

I think he's still involved with her, I 100% believe it was (and still is) a physical affair (regardless of all the phony baloney stories he tells you about them not talking and her having a new friend) and I think THAT'S why you've gotten no farther along in the 6 months since D-Day then you are right now.

I hate to say it, but even though I only joined in 2013, I've been reading this board faithfully for over 10 years. I've seen this exact scenario that you're dealing with right now played out so many times by other BS's over the years that it's not even funny.

This guy has kept you in limbo for 6 months now, and NOW he's claiming he needs 'time' to himself. They only do that when they're still knee-deep in the affair and need some breathing room so they can continue having their cake and eating it too. If he hasn't been able to get his head out of his ass for 6 months, there's a REASON for it, TodayI'mStronger. And it's NEVER a good one.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 10:41 AM, July 26th (Saturday)]

Razor posted 7/26/2014 11:32 AM

The truth is that WE never get to take a break from dealing with their affair. How is it fair that they do?

This is one of the reasons I once told WW that I would GLADLY trade places with her. She can actually not think about her LTA. Whereas (during that time) her LTA was all I thought about. I NEVER had a break from it. her complaints of *I feel pain too* seemed superficial and trivial to me because she has the ability to shut it off.

We dont get a break from this shit. so if they want the M then need to put their big boy/girl pants on and step up and do the work.

If you WH is resisting being transparent thats a pretty big warning sign. maybe the 180 is in order?

TodayImStronger posted 7/26/2014 12:42 PM

I definitely need to 180 for my own emotional health, and I need to do it quick. Why would I allow myself to be vulnerable to someone who is backing away from me? Someone who is selfish and is unable/unwilling to change that?

I've been so hysterical today I can't think straight. I'm trying to chill out and take it one day at a time but today I'm freaking out about the future and all the different possible outcomes that don't involve me being happily married to him. I just need to go to sleep and start over. :(

confused615 posted 7/26/2014 12:52 PM

Im sorry. I agree with neveragain's post.

I think he is using his "depression" to manipulate you.

Why is he getting his privacy back? Because he is depressed he doesn't have any?? That is just one of the many consequences of his actions.

I think you need to do a hard 180..and find your bitch boots. He is treating you like a doormat, not a wife.

YOU DESERVE BETTER!

LifeIsBroken posted 7/26/2014 13:00 PM

My xh needed a break, too, to "think" without disruption. Of course, he had told the MOW that it was over with her. And, of course, he called her not 20 minutes after leaving our house to "think" for a week on his own. Your WH is waffling, trying to get the nerve to do what he wants which, probably, is to leave. His good voice and his bad voice are arguing with one another right now. He knows what's right but that bad voice is telling him what he wants. Protect yourself by detaching. Gently, you can't lose what you don't have: a faithful husband. What you DO have is an unremorseful spouse who is showing he is not willing to do whatever it takes to put himself and your M back together. His "issues?" Are you sure he isn't using his "issues" as a crutch to further stall off the inevitable, once he gets the nerve to make a move out the door ? Meanwhile, you are being so sympathetic to him due to his "issues." Stop being sympathetic ! He needs to own his shit and deal with it. Unless he does that, you're up against a brick wall. So sorry this is happening to you. There's nothing good about any of it. ((((( ))))

plainpain posted 7/26/2014 13:09 PM

I have to agree with neveragain as well. I am so sorry. You asked if his behaviour was "normal". Yes, it is normal for a cheater who is cheating.

TodayImStronger posted 7/26/2014 14:47 PM

These are the things I needed to hear. I don't want to believe them, but I need to. I can't keep being strung along while he spends another 6 years deciding if he wants to commit or not. 180 it is. This is the hardest thing I've ever done because I still want to support him and take care of him. He is not helpless! He has been using me and my love for him to do what he wants and not have to live in the real world. I need to get mad instead of sad. How do I not hate him?!

worried_lady posted 7/26/2014 22:13 PM

He is setting or has already set you up to be his main Plan b girl. 180 his ass hard.

You deserve much better!!

whattheh posted 7/26/2014 22:23 PM

Why on earth would he need privacy due to his depression?

hopefulmom44 posted 7/26/2014 22:49 PM

I'm so sorry that you are going thru this difficult situation. I will agree with the other posts. He has a hidden agenda. Pay attention to your gut feelings. Most of the time they are right.

Ostrich80 posted 7/26/2014 22:51 PM

Any time.I.read "need a break" I automatically think, need time to continue my shenanigans while my bs is on the backburner waiting.. Either he's in or out...if anyone deserves an fn break its the bs. Fun time is over, he can't extend it and expect you to wait. He's very manipulative. I hope you don't feel like your under attack. It's just most of us have been through this crap and its hard to see when your emotionally involved. Step back and pretend a friend is telling you this story, what would you tell her?