SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

BrokenFuture posted 7/26/2014 10:26 AM

It's been two months since I found out the truth. A brief affair that occurred two years ago. During that time I knew we weren't connecting but never wanted to believe that the man I loved more than life itself would go that route. Sure there were signs, I had never worried nor needed to suspect anything before so I convinced myself that I was being stupid. That after having three kids I had become insecure with myself. So pushed passed and devoted myself to getting our relationship back to good.

We were the kind of couple that people looked up to and asked our advice on having a great marriage. We were always affectionate and loving on each other. We kept things fresh, spontaneous and fun. Then our rough patch occurred. Busy lives, stresses of work and raising a family left us being short with one another. I hated feeling disconnected but always had faith that we would get passed it all. So we both addressed it and made the effort. We went on dates, short trips away, etc. and guess what, we fell in love again.

Then recently I came across a message on our laptop dated two years ago, some how archived. My heart sunk and I immediately became sick. I couldn't eat, sleep...I was simply crippled and have been there since. I finally mustered up the courage to address. He hesitated, he cried, he admitted. He said it was brief and swore with conviction on our kids that it never led to sleeping with each other. He said it did however involve oral. He ended it after a few weeks when he said he couldn't believe he was doing that to me and our marriage. He said she tried to make him continue and even threatened to tell me. He has not been with her since.

So my dilemma, it's been two years of not knowing about A. I have seen what we have become. How we fell in love and built something great. If I would of found out about the A at the time it occurred, surely it would have been a deal breaker for me. We have talked and he has listened and accepted what I have to say about it. By acknowledging the affair does not mean I accept it. I do believe him when he says it would never happen again. That he thought his life was over after I found out the truth. He will forever be regretful, remorseful and never forgive himself for his weakness. But trust as you know, it's a tricky thing. I want to believe him but there's triggers. He did so well covering it up that I see him as a good liar now. I wish he could see deep in me and truly understand how broken I am.

So on this tight rope, I try to balance, try to make sense of it all. Times I want to stay and build that future we always planned for. Times I want to jump and end it. I deserve to feel comfortable in my own skin, that I'm good enough for someone. I don't want to be someone's option. I'm afraid of being alone for the rest of my life, without companionship. Seriously 35, 3 kids where would I meet someone. I know not one single guy through friends, family or even kids school/sports. However, it that was my fate, I always have the blessing of my beautiful kids. Their lives mean more that me finding a man. That is why I stay on the tight rope. My husband is a wonderful father, the best. I don't want to make a rash decision on what direction our family will go. Because bottom line divorce or marriage with kids is a family decision.

I'm afraid that if I stay, will I finally be able to be myself again, be the wife, mother and friend I've always been. Right now, I'm broken with a crooked smile to try and fool the world. And if I leave, how will this affect my kids not just physically as in shared holidays but emotionally. I don't want their spirit to be broken. They are pure and perfect and see the world as it should be.

Has anyone ever made the decision to divorce and regret the decision after it was made? Knowing you can never go back to the way things were. How does divorce truly affect your kids? My kids are all under the age of 9. I teach them that sometimes saying I'm sorry means more than I love you at times. I don't want to tell them their dad broke a promise to me like I have read from other forums. He's their dad and I never want to change view of him.

Writing can be cathartic and it feels great to have a place to do that. If anyone has words to share on their experience on divorce affects and kids or whether time does heal please feel free to share. I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you for listening.

peaceBmine posted 7/26/2014 10:46 AM

I'm sorry you found yourself here. There are others that will be more direct in guiding you towards the reading and other resources, but I just want to encourage you to take your time. You do NOT need to make any rash decisions. Give yourself some time to heal to see if you can get past the anger and forgive and give your husband some time to prove that he has really changed. Regardless of your permanent decision, I don't think you will ever regret giving it the time and attention it deserves.

There are MANY marriages that have survived affairs and come out the other side even stronger. I feel you are probably already evidence of this...you just weren't aware of that fact at the time. You have choices to make about moving forward- they are yours to make as you best see fit. If you choose to forgive and move forward together, remember that this is NOT a sign of weakness, but instead a gift that is actually a sign of strength. I once would have considered this a "deal breaker" as well, but am finding that the "deal" is not as simple as I had hoped.

Take your time and heal- regardless of the outcome. I wish you the best.

HurtingandLost posted 7/26/2014 10:55 AM

If your WH is truly remorseful and supportive through your pain, and is willing to work through IC / MC to figure out his brokeness and support your healing process there is no shame in staying. R is very much a gift.

If you don't see this happening and you decide to D, there are many ways to still provide a supporting, loving environment for your kids. You may not be able to shield them from everything though, and there will be some difficult stretches as they adjust.

And if you do divorce, I dont think you should tell the kids about his A. That can be damaging on many levels.

ChangeMaker posted 7/26/2014 11:48 AM

It sounds as though he would be open and understanding to the fact that you are going to need some time to figure things out. You don't have to decide now. You will know when it's time.

In my case, the time came swiftly, but we were nowhere near your situation.

I think you both need IC and MC to help you through this.

You also need to tell him not to hold ANYTHING back now, because if it comes out later it's going to further degrade any trust there is between you now. He needs to tell you EVERYTHING.

BrokenFuture posted 7/28/2014 07:38 AM

Thank you everyone for your kid words, encouragement and of course truth. I am trying to have faith in this whole process but tend to get impatient in waiting for my answer, my future. It would be so much easier if I didn't love this man. But it's hard thing to swallow, knowing no matter how much he proves his love for me that there will always be a disclaimer at the bottom of our story. The hurt is sometimes unbearable where I can't function and at other times I see hope and happiness. They say you never stay married for the kids sake but I want to do right by my kids. So I have to be honest with myself, if I stay...can I return to old myself? My mind wanders and drifts and I find myself truly not present in the moment with them because this A creeps in my thoughts constantly. They deserve better. Can I finally get to a place where those thoughts don't interfere with life or change my character? Or if I decide to end my marriage will I be strong enough to face the unknown and still provide a stable and loving home for my children?

I never asked for any of this yet the decision is mine to make. So through my tears I try to convince myself to muster up some patience....that one day things will seem so clear.