It's been two months since I found out the truth. A brief affair that occurred two years ago. During that time I knew we weren't connecting but never wanted to believe that the man I loved more than life itself would go that route. Sure there were signs, I had never worried nor needed to suspect anything before so I convinced myself that I was being stupid. That after having three kids I had become insecure with myself. So pushed passed and devoted myself to getting our relationship back to good.
We were the kind of couple that people looked up to and asked our advice on having a great marriage. We were always affectionate and loving on each other. We kept things fresh, spontaneous and fun. Then our rough patch occurred. Busy lives, stresses of work and raising a family left us being short with one another. I hated feeling disconnected but always had faith that we would get passed it all. So we both addressed it and made the effort. We went on dates, short trips away, etc. and guess what, we fell in love again.
Then recently I came across a message on our laptop dated two years ago, some how archived. My heart sunk and I immediately became sick. I couldn't eat, sleep...I was simply crippled and have been there since. I finally mustered up the courage to address. He hesitated, he cried, he admitted. He said it was brief and swore with conviction on our kids that it never led to sleeping with each other. He said it did however involve oral. He ended it after a few weeks when he said he couldn't believe he was doing that to me and our marriage. He said she tried to make him continue and even threatened to tell me. He has not been with her since.
So my dilemma, it's been two years of not knowing about A. I have seen what we have become. How we fell in love and built something great. If I would of found out about the A at the time it occurred, surely it would have been a deal breaker for me. We have talked and he has listened and accepted what I have to say about it. By acknowledging the affair does not mean I accept it. I do believe him when he says it would never happen again. That he thought his life was over after I found out the truth. He will forever be regretful, remorseful and never forgive himself for his weakness. But trust as you know, it's a tricky thing. I want to believe him but there's triggers. He did so well covering it up that I see him as a good liar now. I wish he could see deep in me and truly understand how broken I am.
So on this tight rope, I try to balance, try to make sense of it all. Times I want to stay and build that future we always planned for. Times I want to jump and end it. I deserve to feel comfortable in my own skin, that I'm good enough for someone. I don't want to be someone's option. I'm afraid of being alone for the rest of my life, without companionship. Seriously 35, 3 kids where would I meet someone. I know not one single guy through friends, family or even kids school/sports. However, it that was my fate, I always have the blessing of my beautiful kids. Their lives mean more that me finding a man. That is why I stay on the tight rope. My husband is a wonderful father, the best. I don't want to make a rash decision on what direction our family will go. Because bottom line divorce or marriage with kids is a family decision.
I'm afraid that if I stay, will I finally be able to be myself again, be the wife, mother and friend I've always been. Right now, I'm broken with a crooked smile to try and fool the world. And if I leave, how will this affect my kids not just physically as in shared holidays but emotionally. I don't want their spirit to be broken. They are pure and perfect and see the world as it should be.
Has anyone ever made the decision to divorce and regret the decision after it was made? Knowing you can never go back to the way things were. How does divorce truly affect your kids? My kids are all under the age of 9. I teach them that sometimes saying I'm sorry means more than I love you at times. I don't want to tell them their dad broke a promise to me like I have read from other forums. He's their dad and I never want to change view of him.
Writing can be cathartic and it feels great to have a place to do that. If anyone has words to share on their experience on divorce affects and kids or whether time does heal please feel free to share. I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you for listening.