Thank you for all the responses. It really is helpful to have my feelings validated. Sorry for the delay in responding. Today has been my first day without childcare responsibilities and I basically passed out all afternoon from exhaustion. I haven't been sleeping well.
Aside from this incident, my husband is a mostly honest and upstanding person. (He has, on occasion, lied about loaning large sums of money to family or friends.) He works hard in an executive position, he calls when he's on his way home, he is dependable.
For the most part, he does fine with alcohol. But there are instances in which he overreaches. It seems to be when he is in a particularly jovial or upbeat mood. In this case, he'd just received positive feedback from a new position that would be a big step up for his career. It's like he gets "King of the World" syndrome. He's told me that when he was younger, he would on a rare occasion become an angry drunk but I haven't seem that in our almost nine years of marriage. His binges are not all the frequent, but when they happen, they are intense. (I once found him in a ship casino at 5am still in his tuxedo with $10,000 in chips in front of him. That night he wet the bed, has no memory of getting back to our cabin and was sick for three days.)
After this recent strip club incident, one of the first things he said was that he should stop drinking. I suppose he is right, but that makes me sad, too. One of the things we enjoy together is good wine with dinner and the occasional trip to Napa. If we refrain from wine, it will be a weekly reminder of what happened. But to suggest he only drink with me seems controlling and strange.
As for the strip club thing, I believe that he has a bit of the "Modonna and the Whore" complex. I think he believes "good" women have to be treated in a certain way sexually, and that raunchier activities should be reserved for the "Whores" of the world. It honestly makes for a rather dull sex life if the truth be told. Overall, he's not really all that sexual a person. I think he enjoys the idea of the women being aggressive and taking the initiative, even if he's paying for it.
I have done plenty of googling and I know exactly what happens in strip clubs in that area, and in that club in particular. We used to live in Texas and they also have very "liberal" policies. I asked my husband questions and he admits things happened that he knows I would consider off limits. He denies there was sex, oral or otherwise, or masturbation. But certainly there was a lot of physical contact. I am a person who needs details but am waiting to have a therapist present to push that, and help me process it.
Because he has been dishonest about some things to avoid conflict (the contact with the ex years ago, and the loaning of money), I've tended to keep occasional, random track of what he's doing. Just a quick glimpse through his phones, email, etc. that's how I know about the loans. I haven't brought that up because I don't care that much, and have wanted to keep my avenues of observation open. I've never seen anything else suggestive of inappropriate sexual behavior. While that doesn't mean it hasn't happened, it does lend credence to his claims.
Since this incident I've been tracking him pretty nonstop through his iPhone (which I don't think he knows I can do.) His iPhone record also showed me exactly how long he was at the strip club. He has been truthful about his whereabouts so far.
As for what happened that night, he and coworkers drank beer on a bus (co-ed work function) and had dinner at a restaurant. He and a few off the guys broke off to go to a bar after dinner. Then he decided to go to a strip club. He apparently invited the other guys but they declined. He googled strip bars, found one within walking distance and went there by himself. (this google search was what prompted me to investigate.) when the club closed, he took a cab back to his hotel. The iPhone location services supports this story.
He does show regret for what happened. He has of offered to do "whatever it takes" to "get me back". He has cried and told me how sorry he is that he hurt me and that he wishes he could take it back. I want a therapist involved because I want an objective person to provide input into appropriate avenues to regain trust. I don't want to be a controlling shrew. And I have three small children to take care of. I don't want a fourth. I also do not know how long his "remorse" will last when I do not quickly "spring back" and put it all behind us.
I have been opening mail and plan to continue to do so. I plan to ask for all of the passwords for all of the banking and financial accounts - I never felt a need before.
If I felt this were the only incident, it is something I think we could get through, although it would take some work. But I do not know how to restore enough trust for me 1) to believe this is the only incident of infidelity and 2) to trust it won't happen again. I am currently disgusted by him and sad for the loss of someone I considered my best friend.
Anyway. I've tried to answer questions, Sorry, this is once again long and disjointed. But it's pretty indicative of my emotional state.