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dutchcourage posted 7/26/2014 13:46 PM

My wife had an emotional affair that turned physical and continued emotionally for several
months after she told me.

That was nearly 4 years ago now. We have been slowly repairing the damage since then and there has been no contact with the AP since then (he lives on the other side of the world).

The problem now is that my wife has gone to bury her sister in the same country where the AP is, and where the affair took place. She assured me she would not seek any contact with him and that she was going solely for the funeral and to see our foster son/nephew.

Now it turns out that our foster son wants to return to us (he has been living with his father since his mother died), and my wife wants to bring him back with us. We can't afford the ticket.

She called me today to say that if the AP offers to pay for our foster son's plane ticket then she will accept it. She says it doesn't have to mean anything and I should not worry, as she is committed to me.

But I have told her so often that I don't want her to have any contact with him at all. She thinks that I am being selfish as our foster son's welfare is what is important now. I would rather accept money from anyone else in the world than him. I would rather sell my own kidneys than have her indebted to this man.

She wants me to trust her, but she has lied to me several times in the past about contact with the AP, so it is very difficult.

Am I being selfish or too untrusting? Or do I have the right to insist on no-contact?

Badhurt posted 7/26/2014 13:52 PM

And how is she going to get this money without seeing him in person. With the track record you described, i would tell her if you find out there was any contact it will be the end.
Or I would tell her that immediately on her return she will be in front of a lie detector test.

With her track trecord, the words "trust me" mean absolutely nothing.

confused615 posted 7/26/2014 13:53 PM

How would OM even know she needed money for his ticket..unless she contacted him? And why would he do her any favors?

You are not being selfish, or untrusting.

Trust needs to be earned back..and she hasn't done that yet. And since she is in contact with OM, how on Earth can she expect you to trust her?

Insist on NC.

How old is your foster son?

dutchcourage posted 7/26/2014 13:57 PM

Her niece is in contact with him as he lives close to her. But I doubt very much that my wife would allow her niece to do all the arrangements for her (although niece is aware of the affair)

Foster son is going to be 12 next week.

Tearsoflove posted 7/26/2014 13:58 PM

While I agree that the foster son's well being is paramount, I don't think bringing him into a home in turmoil from your wife's inappropriate behavior is best for him or your marriage right now. If he can't stay with his father, he should be placed with someone else until your issues are worked out.

If I'd had somewhere supportive to let my children stay while my husband and I worked through all of this, I would have just to spare them being in the atmosphere. No way I'd agree to letting someone else's kid be placed in it.

wk55hn posted 7/26/2014 13:59 PM

How much is the ticket?

How old is your foster son/nephew?

Where was your foster son/nephew living before his mother died?

How did he become your foster son?

How long has your wife been away?

Why would this AP want to give your wife money?

Has your wife contacted AP yet?

What relationship is AP to your wife and her family?

Badhurt posted 7/26/2014 14:00 PM


Your wife has already been in contact with this guy. You know that.
So again she is putting what she wants first and shoving it down your throat.

Given the distance, unless she resumes an EA when she gets back, you are never ever going to know the truth unless she tells you (unlikely and how can you believe her) or you verify it with a test.

there is no in between here.

dutchcourage posted 7/26/2014 14:09 PM

That's a lot of questions!

Ticket is approx 1200 EURO or 1500 USD

Foster son used to live with us for 11 years. Went to his mother/grandmother last year. Went to stay with his father just before his mother died. Now wants to return to us.

He came to us 2 weeks after birth as his mother is/was borderline.

My wife has been gone 3 days now and is due back next week.

She says the AP is a just nice guy who wants to help (through her niece she heard that he wanted to pay for her ticket to go over there)

I don't know for sure that my wife has had direct contact with AP but I would not be surprised. She has had contact via her niece, I'm sure of that.

AP is friend of her niece.

confused615 posted 7/26/2014 14:20 PM

Then she should be NC with the niece.

And, I agree. She has been in contact with your wife. That makes sense. You don't want to believe it, which is understandable. But you need to face the truth.

Badhurt posted 7/26/2014 14:54 PM

Dutch Courage

You have trying to recover from what she has done for 4 years. You asked a question and so far the opinion is the same. Your wife has been in contact with this guy, this is bull shit about him being a nice guy just wanting to help, and my guess is from the way this has been put to you, she has probably already met him and slept with him again.

The niece stuff is just a way to get it past your radar.

i do not think anything you tell her is going to change her mind on what she is going to do. Your feelings are not important to her. She is going to do what she wants to.

Your decision is are there going to be any consequences. if not, your four years will start over because if you are still at it after four years, how on earth do you just trust her that she is being truthful to you.

You are in denial and looking for someone to tell you to be hopeful. Not likely to work.

Sorry for the 2X4. But you are in for some serious hurt.The EA and electronic communication will start again when she returns and wants to "just thank him", and she will use that as an excuse to stay in touch with him.

Unfortunately, I am sure you will be posting again unless you hook her up to a polygraph or at least tell her that is going to happen. Her response will tell immediately whether she is lying or not without even taking the test. if she is telling you the truth, and has nothing to hide, she will gladly agree to it rather than undo 4 years of R.

And if shes gives you the cheaters normal response like " Don't you trust me", the answer should be NO.

[This message edited by Badhurt at 2:56 PM, July 26th (Saturday)]

dutchcourage posted 7/26/2014 15:40 PM

I appreciate your openness and honest opinion.
I worry more about the return to an emotional affair more than a physical one. I don't think she has slept with him again. I know it is difficult to believe what she has told me, but she says that she only ever slept with him once and that was for a minute. Or maybe I am just too gullible?

Its the emotional attraction that scares me. She sees him as a friend. Someone she can easily talk to. She does not see the harm in talking to him and having him as a friend. As long as she does not see or accept the danger she will not change.
The culture my wife comes from is one where sexual immorality is accepted as normal practice. Very few of her family are married or even in relationships.

Badhurt posted 7/26/2014 15:58 PM


Well, if you want to accept that affairs are part of her culture and you accept it , then why worry about. She'll come home and be eternally grateful to hi and start communicating with him again and there goes your four years of work on your marriage.
If she only slept with him once the EA is really troubling you if in four years you are still at it.
The contact has already been done. You are going to have to figure out how you are going to de with it. I told you what go would do. You are a big boy so you do what you need to do.
What her family relationships are does not matter now. Your are not married to them.
You are very fortunate large distance separates them physically or you would have a terrible situation.
Still looks like to me she has broken the rules , on top of adding to your expenses with bringing the child back and your opinion does not matter.
I'm sure you do not think he is just a nice guy and would not like to get in your wife's pants again.
If you do not have total transparency to her social media I suggest you get it, and I would ok the cell phone records right now before she returns.

dutchcourage posted 7/26/2014 16:17 PM


Don't get me wrong, I don't accept for a second that just because affairs are normal in her culture that it is OK, and I do not excuse her behaviour in any way.

I do believe that my wife can be incredibly naive at times. She believes that the AP has no ulterior motives for wanting to pay for the ticket, and that he is in a relationship himself so would not want her anyway. As if that stopped him (or her) before?

I don't know what I will do yet. We have 5 kids of our own. I don't want them to be victims in this. I still love her very much, but I cannot allow my heart to be broken like it was 4 years ago. I've told her several times before, she can have a friendship with the AP if that is what she wants, but it will mean our marriage is over.

I just wish she would realise the damage that her talk is causing. She doesn't seem to get it.

wk55hn posted 7/26/2014 16:24 PM

So Dutch, she met this guy through your niece? And apparently the niece (and maybe other family members) are enabling or maybe even promoting contact? Do you think that's because they would prefer your wife to stay in their country with them and see other man as a means to that end? Or they really do prefer other man to you?

Based on what you posted, I would let the guy pay for the ticket. Screw him, let him pay for the ticket and get nothing out of it. Tell your wife it is OK as long as your wife has ZERO contact with this guy, including any passed messages through the niece. It's OK as long as AP gives the money to the niece who then gives it to your wife, no strings attached. Then there still should be no contact between your wife and AP. Because AP is only doing it because he's a nice guy.

Dutch, it probably wasn't only one time and if it was it probably didn't last for only one minute.

The truth is, though, there is nothing you can do to get the truth at this point, both about the affair four years ago and whatever contact your wife had with this guy this time.

You can try to check her phone for texts and look at the bill when she gets home.

If AP doesn't want to pay for the ticket, maybe you can charge it to a credit card or get a loan and pay it off over time.

I'm a little bit confused about your post. This boy lived with you that long, you call him a foster son and nephew, but you don't seem to have an overwhelming feeling for him. The kid has lived with you for practically his entire life. I have my own kids, but I think if I were in your situation I would be much more attached than you seem to be. That is me making judgments based on what little you posted. But if you do have strong feelings and attachment for the boy, do what you need to do to bring him home. You can deal with the issues with your wife once the boy is home with you.

Dutch, over the years I've had the opportunity to work with and get to know people from all over the world, from more places than I can remember, from every continent and many countries. I honestly don't know of a single culture where lying and cheating are looked at as OK.

dutchcourage posted 7/26/2014 16:39 PM


I don't know if the niece is enabling contact or prefers him. As I mentioned before immorality is rife in the culture and they probably don't see the problem.

I don't want him to pay for the ticket at any cost. For him to do that means that he goes up in my wife's eyes and she sees him in a better light. I don't want to screw him for the cost of the ticket, I just want all contact with him to cease.

Regarding our foster son (he is my wife's nephew), we have taken care of him since birth, but he decided he wanted to get to know his real parents (my wife's sister). I want him to return to use of course, but does it have to come at the potential expense of my marriage? If I had the means to raise the money myself I would gladly do it. Bringing him back at all costs might be too great a price to pay. I know it is very important for him to return to us but if it means that my wife will be in contact with and grateful to the AP, which is more important to me?

If I allow this contact in order to get him back here, the damage is already done. I can't deal with that hurt again.

It's a painful situation all round.

Badhurt posted 7/26/2014 16:46 PM

I've told her several times before, she can have a friendship with the AP if that is what she wants, but it will mean our marriage is over.


This is what you told her, and she basically ignored that. You know why? Because she fears no consequences. if you tell your kids they cannot do something and they do it without punishment, they keep doing it right??? Well, that is exactly what you wife is doing.
Please don't buy the naive shit. She is an adult woman with five children, and has had the penis of the OM inside her. When she returns home, you are going to be miserable wondering and wondering what actually happened, and the ONLY way you are going to find out is with a lie detector test. She does not understand because she does not want to or does not care enough about you and is convinced you will not follow up your demand with any action.
I can assure you when she gets home, contact will start again. You have until then to figure out what you are going to do. I hope the answer to that is not NOTHING.

And i believe wk55n is correct. Your niece who knows about the affair is NOT a friend of your marriage

wk55hn posted 7/27/2014 14:41 PM

Hi dutch.

I didn't mean to get your dander up. I was just trying to get some more info because I was confused about your situation and how you felt about some things.

The advice you get here, not only from me, but from others, is going to come from two sources:

1. Our personal experiences, what happened to us, how our cheaters behaved with us and

2. What we've read and observed of others, both in this forum and in our regular everyday lives, when it comes to cheating and how cheaters behave.

The problem with our advice is that your wife may not be like any of ours, and your wife may not be the typical cheater. In those cases, our advice will do you no good.

I've been through it, but not as bad as you are going through it. It hurts. When I caught my wife, I told her to go be with other man if that's what she wanted and offered to help pack her bags and take her there. I made a statement similar to you, that she could CHOOSE to maintain a friendship with other man, but then I could CHOOSE to divorce her. For a lot of reasons that would be too long to post here, my wife ABSOLUTELY KNEW that I would follow through with what I said if she contacted other man.

Look at some of the other stories on this site on your own. I have. My conclusion is that, if anything works, it's living up to your word, following through on your consequences. It doesn't always work, but letting the cheater just keep getting away with it, with the only consequence being YOUR pain, doesn't seem to ever work.

My advice is also to learn to accept what is beyond your control. You cannot control your wife, only yourself. She is free to make her own choices, and you are free to make your own choices. If she chooses to hurt you by maintaining contact with other man, then you may choose to not remain married.

dutchcourage posted 7/27/2014 15:19 PM

Hi wk55hn

No problem. I appreciate you all taking the time and effort to reply and give me honest advice; that's why I came back on here after almost 4 years!

I know that not all advice given is relevant to my situation, so I try to analyse what to use and what to ignore.

But I am very grateful for everyone's input. It certainly lightens the load to discuss it with others.

Regarding the current situation, I'm feeling a bit more at ease today (possibly a mistake I know). I spoke to my wife this morning. She is now talking about her brother paying for our foster son's ticket or for us to wait until we have the money in a few weeks and then have him come over then. The AP does not appear to be in the picture. I know this could be a misdirection ploy, but the one thing I know about my wife is that she will tell me the truth sooner or later. When the affair turned physical four years ago she confessed to me the next day out of herself.

I am keeping my options open but at some stage I have to trust her assurances that she will not hurt me in that way again.

Some may say I am denial but I've never even been to Egypt.

Badhurt posted 7/27/2014 15:51 PM


Glad to hear you feel better, but I still think when your wife gets home you need to have a serious sit down with her and go over what occurred while she was gone IN DETAIL.

I would also reiterate to her your conditions to stay married to you in FIRM terms. It is still probable she has broken no contact at this point regardless who now pays for the ticket.
I would also check and verify who actually did pay.
And lastly, your niece who put them back together needs to be told by your wife she is never to do that again

dutchcourage posted 7/27/2014 16:04 PM

Hi BadHurt

All excellent advice.

I really need to reiterate to her just how much this affects me.

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