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Help with my embarrasment

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justme1264 posted 7/26/2014 14:43 PM

My aging grandfather is visiting my aunt's this weekend. It's my cousin's 30th birthday. I have been avoiding my family for over a year now. I am utterly embarrassed. I am embarrassed because I feel like my marriage is a lie. She lied to me for so long and to such an extent. I was fooled. I know I am being self centered, and I am not about to avoid my family anymore. I am going tonight to visit with them and to celebrate my cousin's birthday. But fuck...I am so embarrassed. It feels like I will be walking in there naked. I've had to face worse things. To call me "strong" is an understatement. I have faced much more horrible things before. But, why does my wife's affair and eventual abandoning of our marriage so much scarier than anything else I have faced? It shouldn't. I've face actual death before; I've faced a past I wouldn't wish on my worse enemy; I've even faced suicide. But, none of that is harder than this, and none of that is close to as embarrassing as this.

I can't believe the women I loved and trusted would have been the person to bring me the most pain I will probably ever experience.

How have you dealt with your embarrassment as a BS? If you are a wayward, how do you view and understand the embarrassment you brought your BS? I am really curious what WSs have to say, especially those whose marriages eventually ended in divorce.

Ostrich80 posted 7/26/2014 14:50 PM

Maybe because you may be taking it personally. Her infidelity is not a reflection of you. I know theres the stigma not only with men but women as well. " apparently he/she wasn't taking care of business at home or the ws wouldn't have gone searching....but that's not true. I used to be embarrassed, like I somehow failed but Dammit it wasn't about me just like its not about you.

nomistakeaboutit posted 7/26/2014 15:11 PM

...maybe it's because you're still with her? I don't know. I guess I can't relate, so maybe I shouldn't be posting. She betrayed your trust. It's on her, not you. I don't remember experiencing embarrassment at all, not to mention the extreme embarrassment you are feeling.

Have you considered leaving her at home? Why bring her? I'm sure she couldn't care less, but even if she does want to go, why not uninvite her?

Hold your head high, my friend. You are the one with honor.

[This message edited by nomistakeaboutit at 3:11 PM, July 26th (Saturday)]

justme1264 posted 7/26/2014 15:21 PM

We are divorcing after her false R. She is out of my life

Gman1 posted 7/26/2014 16:37 PM

As a betrayed husband I have felt many different emotions and everyone is different. I am a true believer that I did absolutely nothing wrong and not at fault in any way for my WW's A. It was all on her and she was the one who was embarrassed by her horrible choices. She had to face the music to those people who I chose to tell. It was not my secret to keep and I played no roll in her decision to cheat. It's not your fault and I would suggest focusing on that. You should hold your head up high and not be embarrassed about her awful actions. If anyone should be embarrassed it should be your WW.

Gotmegood posted 7/26/2014 16:48 PM

I totally get how you feel, as the 'embarrassment' for having chosen and trusted and loved a man who so cavalierly betrayed me and dishonored me haunts me too. I get that 'I' didn't betray and dishonor the person who is the most important person in my life. I know that the behavior that my WH chose would be beneath me. My integrity would not allow it to have happened, under any circumstances. Perhaps you could think of your situation in that way. Also: I know of a man whose slutty, lying, immoral wife has had sex with several men in my town. No way is my opinion of him lessened. Her on the other hand.......
Go and have a good time. Don't let your WW take that away from you as well.

Nature_Girl posted 7/26/2014 17:33 PM

I'm not embarrassed. I didn't cheat. I gave everything to the marriage, I sacrificed everything for the marriage and for him. I finally realized and accepted that his cheating was on him. I didn't control it. It wasn't about me. I know that I did everything I could to keep him sexually satisfied. I did things I wasn't comfortable doing just to keep him sexually satisfied. It wasn't enough for him, though, because it wasn't about the sex. His cheating was a symptom of something deeply wrong inside him, inside his soul & mind. Last I checked, I was not the Almighty. Souls & minds are not in my power to fix or control, not even with a great blow job.

Your WW is not in your power to control. She never was.

Uhtred posted 7/26/2014 19:36 PM


I also carry some of those feelings. Looking back on everything and seeing the things that I saw are forever burned into my mind. The hurtful words, words that someone you loved the most said to another about you or about the other person. At the end of the day though I'm not the one who looks bad. My WW is the one walking around with the real shame especially in the presence of people who know. I'm sure she can read the words that they are thinking. She does deserve it but think of the hell that that must be for the one who did the betraying. In all honesty though you are right it hurts about as bad as anything can though and changes peoples lives forever.

steppingup posted 7/27/2014 00:46 AM

I know exactly how you feel, noticed, judged, little, failure, incapable, emasculated, and many other things...

its like being in the room everyone has access to your insecurities.

when my WW told her friend about her first affair I couldn't go near her friend, as the anxiety was far too much.

God bless you

justme1264 posted 7/27/2014 02:17 AM

I am glad I posted this. It never stops amazing me how helpful it is to post here. Everyone's responses are very helpful and I read, and appreciate every single word.

Tonight I went to my Aunt and Uncles. It was a weird experience. It was good seeing my cousin. She was happy and healthy. Something I did not expect to happen though was how much of my wife's "ghost" I experienced. Let me explain what I mean...I recently moved out and into my own apartment. My wife was only here a few times during our false R. So, being reminded of her and what I lost in my own home isn't too bad. But at my aunt's, we had been several times. I walked though a portion of the home and could see my wife sitting on a portion of the couch, or how we laughed and kissed on the bar stools. I could still see her in all her beauty. I didn't try to ignore it. I know this is still fresh, and although I have been going through this divorce in one fashion or another over the past year, It feels as if I just lost her. Regardless of the horrible shit she's put me through, and how much better I will be off without her in the long run, I still gravely mourn losing a woman I had so much love for. We were really compatible. We laughed at the same things, loved the same things, "got" each other, and were very good friends. I think I am struggling now with the fact a lot of our relationship, or at least what I thought it was, was not reality. She had been lying to me for a long time. Mostly to protect her own guilt, and in some fucked up way she even thought she was protecting me. There's no way around the fact that her ghost will be around for a long time. But now, now that I know the truth, I am trying to sort out what I wanted to be true from what was actual reality. I believed in the woman she showed me, or maybe I just so badly wanted to because I loved her, loved her smell, her smile, her personality, and a million more things about her. My love was genuine, it was self sustaining, and it was forever. It wasn't codependency...but now, now after all the dust is settling, I think my love for her was clouded by so many lies and deception. The last time we were there at my aunt and uncle's together, she was having her A and leading me to believe we were in R. She sat on that bar stool, flirted and laughed with me. But in reality, she was still screwing her coworker. It is incredible how I am still shocked at the person she actually was. "Shocked"....that isn't even the right word to describe what I felt. The residual effects of her betrayal are more than I can comprehend. I knew she was selfish, but this is something far more than selfish.

Hell if I know what I am actually saying. Getting it out to people who have been there and done that certainly helps. It has done wonders so far.

One lesson I have learned through all this is that the most powerful thing we can ever have is truth. There isn't anything I would rather over truth. Lies can cause such pain, damage, and even death.

[This message edited by justme1264 at 2:32 AM, July 27th (Sunday)]

jb3199 posted 7/27/2014 07:13 AM

One lesson I have learned through all this is that the most powerful thing we can ever have is truth. There isn't anything I would rather over truth. Lies can cause such pain, damage, and even death.

The truth is just that. It may be terrible, or it may be good, but the bottom line is that the truth is the basis of everything. And, in my opinion, is what most people base all of their actions from---the truth.

That is why the lies are so damaging. It is not *natural* to function off of lies. Everything that spawns from that is displaced---even if the belief was that of the truth. And I am not talking just about infidelity, but in all aspects of our lives. When we follow a lie, we are taking a non-authentic path...aware or not.

nomistakeaboutit posted 7/27/2014 08:40 AM

But now, now that I know the truth, I am trying to sort out what I wanted to be true from what was actual reality.

This, is one of the hardest parts. I'm still trying to figure it out.

After reading your post, I guess I can see a little bit better how you were embarrassed about seeing your family in that house again. Your stbxww played you for a fool in front of all of them, in that house. She betrayed you for the second time and was in their house while faking false R.

It's obvious you were very much in love with your stbxww. Sadly, although she may have felt very strongly in your direction, too, she clearly did not VALUE the love the same way you did; otherwise, she would have never done what she did, multiple times. I understand what a mind warp this is.

Fwiw, over the past two years, I have started to answer some of the questions about what was real and what wasn't. You will too, although you'll never really know. Moments of clarity will happen,but if we're honest with ourselves I think we need to question very epiphany in light of how badly we truly understood their nature to begin with.

A therapist told me once that when we start to fall in love we should try to think of ourselves as being covered in armor. We should remove one piece at a time, so we can see how the person treats our exposed portion. If they treat it well, we can take off another piece and see how they treat that piece. The problem that you, I and many people here are having is that we had done that and had become very vulnerable, but we were quite sure the vulnerability was a good risk because we tested it over time. We learned the hard way that we were wrong and were not safe after all.

krsplat posted 7/27/2014 09:04 AM

I'm so glad you were able to get through, and even enjoy, the event at your uncle's house. Good for you!!

I think we feel embarrassed -- ashamed is the word I more often use -- for a number of reasons. For one thing, we are chumps. Most of us want to believe that we are savvy and alert, but we who are BSs believed a liar and we got played. That stings.

On a deeper level, we BS are also dealing with the fact that the person who claimed to love us most, who knew us best, to whom we were the most open and the most vulnerable, rejected us, threw us away in favor of a sleazy lying A. That guts me and shreds my self-esteem.

Finally, being with family and friends who don't know about the A feels to me like I am keeping WH's secret for him, like I am complicit in the lie. That's why I have started telling people the truth. Not having to be so careful with my words has made it much easier to be with those I love, and their support has made a huge difference in my recovery.

That's just my 2 cents.

[This message edited by krsplat at 9:05 AM, July 27th (Sunday)]

Bria80 posted 7/27/2014 15:46 PM

I have struggled so much with this myself. After finding out about my husband's A, the most difficult thing for me to do was tell friends and family. There is still many people in my life who do not know that my husband cheated on me, or that we are even separated. It is pretty common for a BS to take on the embarrassment after their spouse has an A. I am now beginning to learn that my husband's A was not because of me. He cheated because that is who he is, so the embarrassment lies with the WS, not with you.

[This message edited by Bria80 at 3:59 PM, July 27th (Sunday)]

steppingup posted 7/27/2014 17:48 PM

To Bria80, that's the gospel truth...any embarrassment or shame or negative emotions of any kind are owned by them, but that's just it, we used to be connected and when connected we suffer the faults of our spouse, but now not connected we don't own that shit, it's all theirs...all of it.

it's like, a wise old sweet woman that you've known your whole life, that everyone respects, pulls you aside and whispers in your ear, .."psst, don't pay any attention to what you are feeling dear, everyone knows he/she is the asshole.". She winks at you then walks away, you laugh, then go about enjoying the day like you used to.

the end

[This message edited by steppingup at 5:54 PM, July 27th (Sunday)]

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