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major swing of things at home

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lovemywife4ever posted 7/26/2014 16:17 PM

I've been reading How to help your wife heal and bought several other books, too. I just started reading this week, so bear with me as I am new with those. She told me too late she wants a D for sure and no R. This devastated me to no end. Now, she has been diagnosed with preeclampsia and we have a ways until baby is due. Bedrest is going on as of yesterday. She is a healthy eater and exerciser and not really swollen, so we are surprised. Anyhow, now even though she asked me to move, I will remain in our home and take on the house and try to keep her laying down. My question is do I completely never mention the cheating or answer questions if she asks now? I don't want her blood pressure skyrocketing. I don't know what to do. The stress of all of this is literally doing her in. I have absolutely no idea what to do about dealing with this stuff now. My desperation to save my M is still there and I am kind of seeing this as a way to show her who I am and can be and really step up. Sorry if that sounds selfish, but it's true. My fear is I will f*** it up because I always do.

20WrongsVs1 posted 7/26/2014 16:29 PM

I am kind of seeing this as a way to show her who I am and can be and really step up

I see no problem with that, so long as you are letting go of the outcome of your M. No matter how you "step up" she will probably still D you. Can you handle that?

do I completely never mention the cheating or answer questions if she asks now?

Ask her for ground rules, and follow them. Seriously, I suggest you two have a written agreement about what you do, and do not, talk about. Your job is to take care of the house, and kids, and nurse her through for the health of your baby. If she wants you to keep your emotions completely to yourself, that is what you do.

My fear is I will f*** it up because I always do.

Dude. Suck it up! This isn't about you, your "devastation" or your "desperation," it's about the health of your wife and baby.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 4:31 PM, July 26th, 2014 (Saturday)]

DrJekyll posted 7/26/2014 17:15 PM

You have been given a major opportunity here. You will get one last chance to show her what you are made of before the D. You are not going to win her back by acts of service at this time. But her health and the baby's health depend on it. do it anyway. Do everything you can for her, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Make sure you are reading and healing. if she is on bedrest, maybe you can read to her, to keep her company. And get some of her insight into your history. Have open communication with her. If something is raising her blood pressure, that is not something to mess with. The most important thing is her and the baby.

You need to do all of these things, still expecting the D. And do them anyway. not bitterly or resentfully. but because you love her.

lovemywife4ever posted 7/27/2014 11:29 AM

Things are going as well as they can. She is pretty fired up because she hates being down and still. I did get her a few movies and books she's asked about. I cleaned as good as my abilities can be. It's giving me an appreciation for her as the yardwork and gardening is shared by us, but the housework, groceries, cooking, and kid running is usually her. It's all mine, now. Her mom is helping when I am at work with kids and the older kids are teens and old enough to help. She gives them chore lists and I always thought it was silly but now it will be a life saver.

Follow up appt tomorrow. She will go alone. She does not want me there or to have any say in anything at this point. We tried R and still were going to R after D once she decided that she needed D. Now she just wants out. She told me last night that this is a nightmare being stuck together now. She is asking a few friends if any of them would help out and move in so I can move out. I don't want to move. She wants me gone. I have not spent one night away from her in five years. I don't want to start now. :(
I will leave if she needs me to but hoping she needs me to stay instead. I can do things for her and keep her and our little one as safe as possible if I am here.

BrokenButTrying posted 7/28/2014 02:50 AM

Fight for your family no matter what the outcome of your M.

I agree with 20W and DJ. Make some ground rules with BW and stick to them, support her in every way. Step up and do it right. Put the thoughts about fucking up out of your head, focus on her and her needs.

It is hard taking care of the house and kids single handedly at a time like this, I do it too so I can relate to what you're feeling. Sometimes there's so much to do and so many people relying on you and you're already so broken, it's overwhelming and you don't know how to cope, right?
In times like that take a few minutes in the garden, deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth and say 'I can do this' out loud. Calm yourself down, make a list of things that are a priority at that moment and then do them. Because you can do it!

No one said this was easy. Well done for sticking with the reading and working on you, you're on the right path.

somethingremorse posted 7/28/2014 08:27 AM

I am sure she feels extra helpless now -- first in the M and now even taking care of herself. That has to be extra anger there. You need to have thick skin.

Hang in there.

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