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What if OW really does mean something?

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tremble posted 7/26/2014 16:34 PM

WBF and OW have a history together. They talked and hung out some after high school (about 20 yrs ago). She really liked him and when he started dating another girl she claimed he was cheating on the GF with her and that she had letters to prove it. He denied it, she never produced any evidence so people in our circle of friends (it's a small town) assumed she was just a crazy trouble maker. They didn't speak for years and he eventually married his GF. Several years into his marriage OW found him on facebook and they reconnected. It lead to an EA which was the final straw for the marriage. He went out with OW a few times but didn't establish a long term relationship with her because "I can't deal with her crazy." Oh, and she was married at the time. It was my understanding they were largely NC with her initiating the occasional email that he would respond to, she would start getting "weird" and he would go NC again. He hadn't spoken to her in a couple of years I thought and he would always say "OH, BTW So-n-so emailed me, she was weird again, here it is if you want to read it". This is the same woman he cheated on me with! When she contacted him again in 2012 he chose to not tell me because "I knew you wouldn't like me being friends with her". Ofcourse I wouldn't want you being friends with her dumbass. Anyway, apparently there were talks of fate and being soul mates, etc . So I guess my question (if it is one) is why her? Seems like she really means something to him or he wouldn't keep destroying his life for her. Or is it that she's just so desperate and needy that if she shows up when he's vulnerable she'll take whatever crumbs she can get while he gets the ego kibbles?

TheIrishGirl posted 7/26/2014 17:14 PM

My 2 cents: he feels like she knows him because she's been around forever. There are major ego kibbles to be had from someone who has been after him for 20+ years. And, she's the lowest hanging fruit- he knows if he ever wants something that she's ready and willing to give it.

imagoodwitch posted 7/26/2014 17:55 PM

WH and OW went to high school together. They "dated" when he was in college, booty calls mostly. His mother, who never liked me, brought her to his college graduation, MIL wanted them to get married.

We met about 2 years after he graduated from college, I think they hooked up right before I met him.

I think it was a draw for WH was that OW had been pinning for him all these years.

I think it means that neither one of them grew up, developed healthy boundaries and have no clue about health relationships.

Vulcanized posted 7/26/2014 18:15 PM

I think it was a draw for WH was that OW had been pinning for him all these years.

I concur. What sort of sane, mentally sound, emotionally healthy person pines for 20 years? Either OW is out right lying, heavily exaggerating, or if this is true, a total nut job.

So I guess my question (if it is one) is why her? Seems like she really means something to him or he wouldn't keep destroying his life for her.

She's there. She reappears sporadically and they 'get together'. Your WBF is just charging neutral: he's not making any effort to have a legit R w/her. BUT ... he's not making a legit effort to permanently to remove her either. I'm guessing ease, convenience, availability, familiarity. He doesn't really have to do any work for it.

Or is it that she's just so desperate and needy that if she shows up when he's vulnerable she'll take whatever crumbs she can get while he gets the ego kibbles?

Maybe, maybe not. Your focus needs to be more on you and less on either of them.

I think if she really meant something, they'd of had a real, permanent relationship instead of awkward on/off EA thing. Sounds totally dysfunctional to me. And as we all know, that isn't the basis of a healthy, lasting relationship.

BtraydWife posted 7/26/2014 23:31 PM

She's willing to be good to go for sex. The only obvious cost to him is putting up with her crazy. It sounds like he has no real clue what his behavior with this skank has cost him. Sorry but he sounds simple and shallow.

Ostrich80 posted 7/26/2014 23:45 PM

I think my ws feels something for ow, I think she does mean something...to him. He has kept contact with her since meeting her 8 yrs ago. It's like he won't cut her loose.
As far as your bf she's available, she's familiar, she doesn't require a commitment but when she gets to clingy, he calls her crazy. Sounds like a dysfunctional relationship that neither one will pull the plug on entirely.

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/27/2014 06:30 AM

He's got a long history with her (doesn't matter if it's good, bad or ugly), they're clearly attracted to each other and have been for 20 years, it's exciting to be pursued and have someone blowing up your ego telling you that they want you sexually, and sometimes, certain guys just think with their privates and nothing more.

Their past history and the connection they had will probably always be a bone of contention for you and your marriage. Regardless of how 'crazy' she may be, there's something about her that seems to get his attention each time she shows up out of the blue. Don't blame his bad decisions on being 'vulnerable.' His decisions are his and his alone.

The fact that he keeps allowing her back in and risking your marriage each time he does it is pretty much proof positive that she still has a hold on him.

tremble posted 7/27/2014 07:38 AM

I think it means that neither one of them grew up, developed healthy boundaries and have no clue about health relationships.

I couldn't agree more. The selfishness and immaturity of his actions are astounding.

The fact that he keeps allowing her back in and risking your marriage each time he does it is pretty much proof positive that she still has a hold on him

I guess I'm confused as to what that hold could be. When I look at her all I see is a weak, desperate, needy trainwreck. She always has been. Why is her mess worth potentially losing me and our life together? Why was she worth losing his first marriage over?
Your focus needs to be more on you and less on either of them

Most days it is. But then some days.....I'm still very confused.

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