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Reassurance

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AceKnight posted 7/26/2014 17:52 PM

Good afternoon

Does anyone get the question from their BS of how can they feel reassured? I have gotten the statement that "I only have your word to trust, and that is not good enough".

There have been times that I have proven my whereabouts, my conversations, my thoughts, and my feelings and at times those are questioned.

"How do I know that you are better?"
"What can I expect going forward with you?"

Is there a way that I will ever give my BS complete reassurance in our marriage?

DrJekyll posted 7/26/2014 18:03 PM

The short answer yes and no.

the long answer. The only thing you can do is to continually be an open book. open and honest, share your feelings, share your successes and your failures even in your own boundaries. The yes or no answer is up to your BS. You have to continue everyday to reassure her, but the ultimate decision is hers.

My BS asks me all the time, "How do i know this isn't another mask?" "How do I know that the changes will be forever and not just for now?" The realistic answer is they can never know forever until they reach forever. So it is a HUGE risk to trust us after our soul-splitting betrayal. We can only hope that at some point. They believe the change is permanent.

In the mean time, we heal, we change for us. They get the benefits of that. We can share our love with them. We can make escape funds available, we can sign post-nups. But at the end of the day, it is still their choice to take the leap.

Imabrokenman posted 7/26/2014 23:16 PM

The only thing that is going to show her that you are trustworthy is time and actions. There is nothing else that is going to show her.

I get very frustrated that my wife does not trust me, but I realize that I brought this on myself and I have no one to blame but myself.

You have to realize that you did this, and you are the only one that is going to fix this. But it is going to take time. Lots of time.

somethingremorse posted 7/28/2014 08:05 AM

I echo the other comments.

I want to add that you should remember your BS really, really hates to not trust you. You put her into this awful place. So when you get frustrated or impatient or whatever, remember that your BS doesn't want to feel this way. Its a whole other weight you put on your BS' shoulders.

Remember, when I say "you" I really mean "we." Hang in there.

islesguy posted 7/28/2014 12:48 PM

I don't think that a BS can ever feel reassured. The thing that they trusted the most was broken and no matter what happens, no matter how long you are together in the future, it will probably still be in the back of the BS's mind. This is just something you are going to have to accept as a result of your choices and try not to get frustrated but instead put yourself in your BS's shoes.

AceKnight posted 8/2/2014 11:12 AM

Thank you for the helpful post replies.

Apple3point14 posted 8/2/2014 11:48 AM

I know in my marriage that I don't think there's anything I can do to reassure my wife directly. But I think a good place to start is do what she asks you to do. And very importantly do what you say you're going to do. I know my wife very much likes when I do exactly what I say. It doesn't matter if it is taking out the trash, bring home a treat for DD, just if I say i-do it. Then I think not giving excuses, and owning what you do is a very important piece to this.

FixYou71 posted 8/2/2014 16:41 PM

As a BS I would advise being proactive. Finding books on your own, discussing what you're finding and realising through your reading with your BS, You being the one to start conversations to show that this is something that also dominates your life and your thoughts. Seeing that the healing (your BSs and yours) is really important to you is reassuring to your BS.
With all that your BS has on her mind (all day every day...no kidding) she wants you to be curious and interested in all the affects and all of her pain. Ask about it a lot. Like, all the time. It feels less lonely and isolating and feels like she's not fighting through the crazy amount of thoughts, mind movies and deep grief alone..

SparrowSoul posted 8/2/2014 20:35 PM

As another BS, I second the suggestion of proactivity. It helps so much to know that I'm not the only one thinking about this all the time, so whether it's finding reading materials, spending extra time/effort focusing on your BS's thoughts and feelings, or even just talking openly about your own , those all help.

ThatGuyNoMore posted 8/2/2014 21:54 PM

Good advice you've gotten.

Echoing somethingremorse, my BW hates that I've turned her into a suspicious, cynical person. It drains her energy to have to check up on me all the time, scanning my phone, looking at my browser history, worrying if I've just gotten more clever about hiding things.

My BW appreciates the check-in phone calls, the selfies I send while I'm running errands and attending IC appointments, which give her some assurance that I am where I'm supposed to be, but it doesn't prove I'm there alone. It's not enough-- she cannot watch me 24/7, which is the level of proof she needs to feel reassured.

Doing the work, showing initiative and not just reacting to her lead, volunteering info, asking about her feelings and sharing your own, sharing the burden that you've just dumped on her--all those things help to reassure that you care and are trying hard--for now. Your BW doesn't know and can't trust that you won't get tired of doing the work, caring for her, and healing yourself. She can't trust whether the next opportunity that presents itself to you won't result in another affair. She's scared that you'll rip her heart out again in another vicious act of betrayal or by a thousand cuts of selfishness and indifference.

Reassurance comes with time. It's her timetable, not yours.

FixYou71 posted 8/3/2014 01:58 AM

She's scared that you'll rip her heart out again in another vicious act of betrayal or by a thousand cuts of selfishness and indifference

So very, very true. The indifference perceived by the BS due to the lack of urgency and proactivity on the part of the WS is extremely hurtful. It (proactivity) is not only a method for helping your BS to feel more secure, more understood and less alone but the absence the of those actions by the WS is extremely oppressive, leaving the BS feeling abandoned, unassisted and isolated within the walls of the world of torment they've been thrust into; Left to question and fear and grieve alone.

The best way to show love and support to a BS is to not leave them all alone with their burdens.

Not.the.Big.Easy posted 8/3/2014 02:17 AM

As ashamed as I'm to admit it, I've been both the BBF and the WBF. Let me say revenge affairs don't make you feel better. But on to your dilemma.

That trust that was lost can only be built back up a little bit at a time. She can't monitor your activities 24/7, though she might try. Just try to do little things to prove that you are where you say you are. And don't necessarily let her know that's why your doing it. Like calling her from work to ask if she wants you to pick something up at the store on your way home. Or just call her to ask her how she's doing.

It'll take a while, and if you're inconsistent in your efforts you'll knock that trust back a little each time. And you know, you will NEVER completely reassure her. There will always be that little itch in her brain that want's to keep her safe.

ScarlettA1 posted 8/4/2014 00:37 AM

There's a lot of great advice. I just wanted to say as a WW to hang in there. I'm only 4 1/2 months out and it's hard to not be trusted on a daily basis. It's frustrating and yet shocking how fragile trust is and how long it takes to earn it back.
I know it will come. I wish you the best.

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