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How to live with it

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Hopeful74 posted 7/26/2014 19:39 PM

Hello everyone! I certainly hope I do not open old wounds with the questions I am asking. I am just hoping some happily reconciled BS can help me out. I truly hope to make it work with my husband, but have no idea how I will be able to get past the betrayal and hurt. How did you get past the pain of knowing, that while you were a faithful and loyal spouse, your WS wasn't? Past the fact that you chose monogamy for better or for worse, you WS has memories of making live to another? The lies, the betrayal and showing someone else that, in those moments, you were less than nothing to them? I don't know if I can do it! Again, I apologize if this is painful for some. I am just looking for some glimmer of hope that it can work. Because, like I said, I want it to. But at what cost?

catlover50 posted 7/26/2014 20:08 PM


It just really sucks; completely unfair and unjust.

But it can get better. With time. With a remorseful H. We still have our ups and downs, but currently mostly because I am reluctant to "settle" anymore.

When I was where you are I was reading everything I could get my hands on and coming here every day.

Give yourself time, you don't have to decide everything now.

I wish you the best.

Hopeful74 posted 7/26/2014 20:52 PM

Thanks catlover! You're right. It sucks!!! I hate living this nightmare, as does everyone on this site. Maybe patience will be one of the lessons I can take from this. That and a healthier me. With or without him!

Hatemyhusband posted 7/27/2014 06:40 AM

Focus on YOU. Work in bettering ur career. Travel more. Spend time w friends. Save $ and plan to be able to raise kids (if u have) without him if needed

Then if he steps it up and u can move past this, great. If not, you are a whole new you and u can survive wo him. Xo

Hopeful74 posted 7/27/2014 09:58 AM

Thanks hatemyhusband! That is my plan.

Merida posted 7/27/2014 10:16 AM

I don't consider ourselves reconciled but for me as I process my grief I have been able to establish that

fucking is not making love - animals fuck and breed all the time and they are never aware and conscious and spiritually entwined = two souls as one. So we are working on creating a new and sacred place in that sense

co-dependency is not communicating, it's not a marriage. Turning away from one another and not collaborating in order to solve conflicts is not how I want to behave with my spouse.

So while I haven't gone through all of the stages grieving the death of the life I had before the A (it's just the first year and this mess has a whole lotta jerry springer going on...) I was willing to establish with my H that I am thankful to bury what didn't work. I am thankful to say our toxic dance of not listening to one another and being unable to express our feelings fully trust in one another is over and done with

I am working on trying to be thankful for the sorrows I do not yet understand ... like how rainbows happen after the rain

or what doesn't kill me makes me stronger and I love the images of kintsugi pottery and what it represents... ok my marriage was missing the gold so we are working on adding gold

so yah, it's a long slog ... but as they saying goes life is about the journey

for me it's don't focus on the finish line and pace for a marathon ... just breathe

[This message edited by Merida at 10:17 AM, July 27th (Sunday)]

Hopeful74 posted 7/27/2014 16:41 PM

Thanks Merida! You have definitely given me a different way if looking at it! Like I said, I hope to get there some day. I guess it is still too fresh. We also had communication problems and feel our relationship never really matured due to issues on both sides, I guess. I can admit that and the part I played in our problems. But can't understand how he could turn to another when I can't even look at another man in that way.

stunnedmullet posted 7/28/2014 02:40 AM

I really wish I knew. I have no idea how I am ever going to learn to live with this.

I would rather have died

stunnedmullet posted 7/28/2014 02:40 AM

I really wish I knew. I have no idea how I am ever going to learn to live with this.

I would rather have died

mbbd posted 7/28/2014 06:37 AM

My H wrote an apology to me that was actually well done. One of the most heartfelt things he wrote was that the attention, ego boost and lust blinded him to reality and he was totally stupid, selfish and thoughtless. He professes to not knowing how he could have been so stupid.

I share this with you because I don't think I meant nothing to him in that time. I think our marriage was not in the greatest place and the excitement of it all made it workable for him. Sad but true.

Maybe you were not nothing to him in those times... maybe he needed to block you out because his selfishness took over.

Wishing you peace.

bionicgal posted 7/28/2014 07:54 AM

You've gotten some good replies. I am a little over a year out, and here is what I currently think.

How did you get past the pain of knowing, that while you were a faithful and loyal spouse, your WS wasn't? Past the fact that you chose monogamy for better or for worse, you WS has memories of making live to another? The lies, the betrayal and showing someone else that, in those moments, you were less than nothing to them?

If you keep reading here, and your WS is like most waywards, you will learn that the affair was more of a crisis for them, than some big amusement park ride. That they made the decisions they did because something was wrong, not out of love, or even lust usually, and that they were just trying to escape something about their lives at the time, and this was a very tempting, selfish and immature way to do it. Then, they found someone else similarly broken, selfish and immature, and did it. Doesn't exactly sound like a recipe for happiness, does it?

So, the main point, is you really weren't part of the equation. If you are like many of us, your marriage was not perfect at the time, but no one's is. Probably some needs were going unmet, however that is not an excuse. However, now is the best possible time to take an inventory of those things and work on making things better, if you can.

So, the fact is, your H wasn't thinking of you, or what this was going to do to you, except in the most superficial and cursory way. In a way, that is good news. But, one has to figure out why they got in such a state to begin with as well.

Also, these "memories" are hard to deal with as a BS, but I promise in time those memories will be nothing but a source of shame and unhappiness for your WS. A reminder of their worst selves.

And here is your glimmer -- I probably love my husband even more than I did prior to the affair, and we have been together nearly 25 years. (And I'd say our marriage was a B+ even before the affair .) Our intimacy is greater, our partnership is stronger, we are waaaaay smarter, and we are both healing. The pain has lessened a great deal, and I can see a future where I don't think about it every day, even if right now I still do.

Hang in there. Read. Go to counseling, and try to have faith. If you have a remorseful, hardworking WS, this can eventually be ok.

Hopeful74 posted 7/28/2014 08:15 AM

Wow! Thank you bionicgal!!! That really does help! I would like to think that, a year from now, things will be much better. Either which way it goes!

tl502 posted 7/28/2014 09:05 AM

We are almost 3 years past dd, and almost 1 1/2 years past dd2. Read your profile, good for you for serving him with d papers. You may have saved you m with that one act. So many ws need that kind of wake-up call to defog. It shows what a strong person you are, as well as a great role model for your kids. It took me 18 months to set my boundaries high enough that my h took me seriously and stopped emailing his fap.
Time does make it all feel less sharp. But the most important ingredients to r is a truly remorseful spouse and a bs that is willing to walk away if the ws is not willing to do the necessary work of healing himself as well as you. If you r with him you will have to look at previous m issues. You will probably find things that are your fault. This does not, however, justify what he did. Thats 100% on him. Dont let anyone, including yourself put that weight on you.
Seek mc, but dont let them make the mistake of trying to work on m issues before dealing with affair and abandonment issues. Your wh will want to work on old issues, its easier for him to deal with, but theres no way that you can possibly work through old issues with this elephant sitting on your chest.
Be strong for yourself, your children, your m and even for your ws. You are the best hope for the future of all, even though you dont feel strong right now.
Our m is stronger than it has ever been now, because we both work on it, we can both communicate our needs with each other and every day, our first priority is our m.
Will I ever forget the terrible times we went through? Not a chance. Will I ever forget all the hurts? Nope some of the cuts are just too deep. But we are slowly replacing the pain with good times and putting the old m to rest.
It can work if you both want it bad enough to shoulder all the work and pain that goes with r.

ShedSomeLight posted 7/28/2014 09:45 AM

I don't think I learned to "Live with it". I think at almost a year as my Dday anniversary is this Thursday, 7/31... I think I learned to process it. I think my situations was extra isolated because the OW decided to stalk me. I learned of her identity by law enforcement and then my husband confessed. I have been in court since last year. The OW is a sleazy bunny boiler as some of you have referred to her as Through my process my husband learned a lot about being a better person and about forgiveness on my part. It has been a crazy, painful, deep learning journey for me. I have days when I can't believe this has happened to me.

SadieMae posted 7/28/2014 09:52 AM

Thank you for this thread and the hope I'm finding in it. Just yesterday, talking with my WH, I found myself thinking I need to learn to focus not so much on what he did, but more on what he's doing now. I don't want to forget, but I am afraid that if I'm stuck looking at who he was vs who he is working to become, I'm not going to help either of us.

This is such a huge process. It's so helpful knowing that there is hope for a truly better life.

Hopeful74 posted 7/28/2014 10:07 AM

I have learned a lot from this thread, as well! I really appreciate everyone's comments!

rachelc posted 7/28/2014 11:00 AM

I probably love my husband even more than I did prior to the affair,

how did you get to this?

bionicgal posted 7/28/2014 12:05 PM

Rachel - Partly by being more vulnerable myself, and him being more vulnerable as well. He had hidden parts of himself from me, downplayed some important needs from me, and now I feel like I see the bigger picture. I feel like I see him more clearly, and not just as an extension of myself.

I feel like too much of my/our love before was based on compatibility, a promise, and blind loyalty, and familiarity, and just generally liking each other. But, we didn't take emotional risks with each other. In some ways, I am learning to be more loving, if that makes sense. Him, too.

But now, it feels like we have worked hard for our marriage, you know? Like, the "worst" happened, and yet we are still there for each other. Yes, my H took a 2.5 month, totally destructive vacation/escape from life, and our marriage. That will always hurt. But, he could've walked -- I could've walked, and yet here we are. I am excited about our future - with better coping, and better understanding, and more emotional maturity for both of us.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 12:09 PM, July 28th (Monday)]

steppingup posted 7/28/2014 12:20 PM

I'd say, if your WH is willing to do most of the heavy lifting for years to come the pain can start to feel like a bad dream...that is what happened to me about 3 years after her first affair, now working past #3 or #4, seems utterly impossible....

if you really think he will do it again, leave, as the pain from repetition affairs cuts far deeper in the soul.

if not for my faith, I'd be a shell of a person destroyed by the damage she caused me.

rachelc posted 7/28/2014 12:26 PM

the pain from repetition affairs cuts far deeper in the soul.


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