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Friendly Reminder for struggling BS's

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HurtingandLost posted 7/27/2014 08:08 AM

On thread in JFO (Neveragain2013):

Cheaters are famous for rewriting history. Once they're fully engulfed in their affairs, they'll start to claim the last 5 years or the last 10 years - or the entire marriage - has been pure hell for them and they were unhappy all that time, and we made them suffer year after year and blah blah blah. Suddenly, the BS becomes an object of scorn and hatred and disgust because the WS has talked himself/herself into believing the BS is public enemy number #1 and their affair partner is a saint.

Deeply Scared posted 7/27/2014 08:13 AM

I completely disagree...(besides it being a giant generalization) as I never talked poorly about MH. Never. The worst I ever said was that he worked way too much.

Statements like what you've posted (copied from another post) give a false sense of validation to the BS because not all cheaters talk shit about their partners.

Lionne posted 7/27/2014 08:26 AM

I don't believe in generalizations either, but I do know that SAFWH treated me this way, and blamed me for everything from our lack of intimacy to my too harsh discipline of ds#2, to my unpleasant habit of cleaning the house on a weekly basis. I was clearly a bitch. How dare I lift the chairs onto the table in order to scrub the floor! He didn't want to live in a G-D cafeteria!

Each WS is different. Guilt drives a person to do and say stupid things.

mike7 posted 7/27/2014 08:30 AM

i was demonized as well. what a strange thing when I threw her ass out and she suddenly rewrote the history yet again and begged to come back. apparently she was confused.

I also find it interesting the amazing similarity of BS stories.

but what is the collective wisdom of SI if not a generalization?

Lark posted 7/27/2014 08:33 AM

The rewriting and re-remembering things has been very difficult. I feel like not only has he destroyed and taken away the last year, he is hellbent on tainting what actually *was* there during that year and the year prior (originally it was just the last year the timeline seems to be growing).

He doesn't set it up as pure hell or anything so hateful, and he doesn't see or say anything about the OW as being saints or better. He just points to "distance" between us. That we weren't as physically close and seemed to be more frustrated with each other.

I was living in the same marriage and house at the time and my memories are that things were more stressed than before, more distant, but not anywhere near a catastrophic level. We had two kids - including a brand new baby - we worked opposing shifts. Temporary things that did cause issues but were temporary and could've been addressed.

Part of me believed him the first time he started insinuating the "severe" problems in our marriage. It played upon my own worries of the past year when I felt like something was wrong but couldn't put a finger on it. It played on the mindgames and gaslighting he'd been doing to me the past year. I'd want him to come home and spend more time with us, he'd make me feel guilty for asking and then tell me he was upset maritally because we never had time for each other

But I went through the text logs and saw that I was talking to him - he stopped responding to me the moment he picked up OW1. He'd go 30 minutes to 6 hours before responding (during which he'd send the OW dozens of hundreds of messages) to any messages I sent, making me think that he was too busy at work. So eventually I stopped messaging much. He looks back and says he never purposely ignored me, just sometimes he didn't know I expected a response. He now admits that he would talk as little as possible, and make it short - things he didn't do with either OW, with whom he "talked about nothing. Just bullshit nothing stuff."

I remember weekly date mornings. I remember asking him to come home more and not go to the "gym" so much. I remember asking him to at least come home earlier - do just an hour at the "gym." I remember hiking trips, picnics, walks on the beach - we did a ton. As a family and as a couple. We still do.

So it's been infuriating to listen to his perspective of our marriage. I feel like shoving a photo album in his face sometimes.

krsplat posted 7/27/2014 08:46 AM

My WH did this with his AP, had her convinced that we were sexless roommates in a dying marriage, that I was cold and bitchy, that he was only staying for the kids. Trashing me, I am told, was a frequent topic of conversation, because it engendered sympathy for WH and had OW drowning him in ego kibbles.

Over the years of the LTA, WH even convinced himself of many of his own lies. He had to, I guess, in order to maintain the A. That's what makes it so hard to believe anything he says about how positive he feels about me now.

DS, can you explain your comment above about giving the BS a false sense of validation? I missed something there. Even if every WS DID trash their BS this way, it would not make me feel validated, just sad for us all.

[This message edited by krsplat at 8:48 AM, July 27th (Sunday)]

simplydevastated posted 7/27/2014 08:55 AM

I agree and disagree with the original post. It is true for some WS's, but not all.

My husband talks shit about me AND the kids. We don't respect him, he's treated like crap, we're to blame for his bad attitude.

I agree when DS, not all WS'S do this. I'm wondering if it stems from the reason why the affair started in the first place. Just my two cents.

HurtingandLost posted 7/27/2014 09:00 AM

DS, can you explain your comment above about giving the BS a false sense of validation? I missed something there. Even if every WS DID trash their BS this way, it would not make me feel validated, just sad for us all.

DS, trust me, I don't feel "validated". Sad and disgusted would be more fitting.

Deeply Scared posted 7/27/2014 09:07 AM

DS, can you explain your comment above about giving the BS a false sense of validation?

That probably wasn't the correct word to use.

But I feel that if you're continually doubting yourself (general term) and then someone comes along and *they* are re-writing what really happened you'll feel validated by something that didn't really happen.

Geez...I'm not explaining it right at all, I'm sorry!

dameia posted 7/27/2014 09:13 AM

My WH never talked shit about me, as far as I know. At least not to other people...he was pretty terrible to me though.

He rewrite history by "forgetting" how emotionally abusive he was. It was awful, he treated me like dirt, made me feel worthless, etc., but he claims he doesn't remember any of this. And if he did do it he's sure he was just "joking" and I misconstrued the situation.

HurtingandLost posted 7/27/2014 09:14 AM

I think I get what you're trying to say DS. I realize what you're saying does in fact apply in many cases.

In mine, I don't doubt myself or my actions in this M though. After DDay#1 in 2010 I spent a few months in self doubt-ville, but as far as my actions in the M since, there are no doubts.

mike7 posted 7/27/2014 09:18 AM


what I think you were trying to say was "be careful about generalizing, not all WSs demonized their spouses."

i can certainly agree with that.

krsplat posted 7/27/2014 09:22 AM

But I feel that if you're continually doubting yourself (general term) and then someone comes along and *they* are re-writing what really happened you'll feel validated by something that didn't really happen.

My interpretation here:

For the BS, we already have some doubts about the worth of the M and of ourselves after Dday. If our WS rewrites our shared history even more, we also lose the good parts we thought we had. By trashing us, the WS validates our insecurities and increases our sense of loss.

I'm not sure if that's what you meant, but that's what I heard, and what I certainly feel. Isn't it both wonderful and awful how we can make words mean whatever we want them to?

Harriet posted 7/27/2014 10:20 AM

I don't think my ex trashes me to anyone, although I do wonder what he says to his OW when she gets upset about me (he won't let OW come to any events where I will be present, and I've been told it bothers her).

What I am sure he does do, though, is minimize his actions that ended our marriage. I'm sure a lot of the reason why we divorced...in his eyes...was because of my inadequacies (he was seeing 4 other women when I caught him - I can't compete with that!).

RomanticInnocenc posted 7/27/2014 10:34 AM

My WH never trash talked me to any of his ow. He told all 3 of them he was happy in our relationship. With the last one he decided that he must be in love because it was the only way for him to tell himself he wasn't a bad person for what he was doing while I was pregnant, and then wondered if maybe he was unhappy. But as far as I know he never said a bad word about me.

To be honest, it's probably me that has rewritten our history, having your eyes blown open tends to make you reflect. Where once I saw loveable singular mindedness, I now see selfishness, where once I saw dedication to his job, I now recognise as never being put before his job. Our histories are so subjective, I think we all see them differently whether we've been cheated on or cheated anyway depending on our view of the world and our life experiences.

confused615 posted 7/27/2014 10:41 AM

My husband has never spoken badly about me to anyone..as far as I know. I read every single email and response in his secret email account. When he *does* mention me, it's to say he loves me very much and he is happily married..he just..ugh..I'd rather not finish that sentence. I don't want to go THERE today.

He never talked shit about me. But that doesn't make it hurt any less.

Lark posted 7/27/2014 11:12 AM

I took what DS said to mean that it validates the fear/thought of BS's that all WS are doing the affair as an act of maliciousness against the BS.

My husband never trash-talked me. I was rarely mentioned at all. It was compartmentalized. Even the re-remembering of our marriage and lives isn't angry or malicious. It just greatly exacerbates the issues that were there (that I saw as well).

My feeling of what the situation actually was - my husband began slowly withdrawing with a second after-work life. this mentally detached him more because he was dedicating energy in multiple places. It set the stage for him to start flirting and doing that first boundary crossing. After his affair with OW started, it completely rewrote his relationship with me because 96% (literally, I calculated it) of his communication via phone was with her. Since he and I worked opposing shifts, the phone played a major role in his/mine communication as well since we only overlapped 2 hours a day - only 1 hour if he did the "gym." So of course in his head the distance between us was severe, it's hard not to think and perceive that and tell yourself that when your'e only giving your spouse 4% of your attention.

million tears posted 7/27/2014 11:31 AM

I didn't think rewriting history was so much trash talking to the OP but more changing (in their mind) how the marriage really was.

At any rate, my WH did both.

HurtingandLost posted 7/27/2014 11:44 AM

I didn't think rewriting history was so much trash talking to the OP but more changing (in their mind) how the marriage really was.

That's exactly what I was referring to, thanks million tears.

ThrownAwayTwice posted 7/27/2014 11:50 AM

I haven't encountered much of the rewritten history. Through out the A (which I was aware of from week one, but he refused to give up) he continued to tell me that it wasn't my fault, that there was nothing wrong with our marriage, that he didn't know why he was doing something so destructive to us or why he wouldn't stop. I assume he had to be telling the COW something else, or why would she stick around and move in with him when I finally left?

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