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do i invite myself?

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Alyssamd24 posted 7/27/2014 11:26 AM

My BH and DD are at my MILs right now....she and my FIL have been away for two weeks and just got back yesterday. MIL sent me a text yesterday asking if DD was busy today and if not, they wanted to take her this afternoon for a couple hours....So BH brought her there and is going to visit with his parents a while before coming home to get ready for work....and they will drop her off to me later.

BH went cuz his mother asked him at 7:00 this morning if he wanted to go pick some veggies....but obviously she just wanted him to go visit them....and they wanted to see my DD since they haven't seen her in two weeks...BH told his mother we had to run errands first and then would be over.

So now I am home alone, trying to decide what to do with myself...I clearly was not invited to go to MILs with BH so I didn't even bother asking him if I could go....I am wondering now if I should just include myself whether I am invited or not....which is usually not. It's clear that none of them are going to include me...So do I continue staying home by myself, or do I push to be included? I did ask BH why don't his parents ever come here and he said she asked because of the veggies...which is a bunch of crap.

wifehad5 posted 7/27/2014 12:22 PM

Were you purposely not invited? Could it be something like since she was talking to him, so she invited him meaning all of you?

BR's parents are like that. I'm never explicitly invited to anything, but I'm never not invited if you know what I mean.

What would have happened if you'd just gone with BH and Dd this morning?

Alyssamd24 posted 7/27/2014 12:31 PM

I dont think I was purposely not invited, I just wasn't included...which is very typical.

BH and DD spend a good amount of time with his parents, either when I am at work or he will stop by on the weekend and bring her with him.

If I had gone it would've been fine probably. ..I dont think they would have a problem with it. I just wish I was included by someone every so often.

wheredoigo posted 7/27/2014 12:57 PM

I know you've dealt with this before, Alyssa. If I recall, haven't they planned vacations without including you?

Not to t/j, but I think the answer to this question might help me answer your current situation better.

How does your BH respond to you not being included? Is he protecting you from their feelings about your A? Is your MIL a friend of your marriage?

Alyssamd24 posted 7/27/2014 13:53 PM

Yes they were kinda talking about vacations but nothing came of it.

My MIL is not a friend of our M. While we were seperated she was trying to pressure BH to D me and the only reason she stopped is he threatened to stop talking to her. I dont know if he is trying to protect me from their feelings....whenever I mention it he always has a reason and pushes my feelings to the side and doesnt make the effort to include me.

SlowUptake posted 7/28/2014 07:10 AM

I know as waywards it's a bit hypocritical for us to be 'throwing stones'.
However from your previous and current posts I get the distinct impression your BH doesn't fully grasp the concept of "forsaking all others", I don't think he gets that 'all others' does include FOO.
I just find it strange that when he gets an invite from FOO, you aren't automatically included by him, whether his FOO likes it or not.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't this dynamic of you not being automatically included always been in place?

bionicgal posted 7/28/2014 07:38 AM

I remember being amazed about this before. Is it possible that you are just assuming you are not invited? I understand grandma wanting some alone time with her grandaughter on occasion, but it is simply not ok to exclude a spouse. (Unless it is a one-off thing, like a birthday or special trip or something.) Where is your husband in all of this? He needs to be more proactive.

My guess, and this is just a guess, is that it has served a purpose for him to allow this type of thing to continue. He needs to get super honest with himself, figure it out, and you both need to put your big boy/girl panties on and work like a team!

Alyssamd24 posted 7/28/2014 07:53 AM

You are correct...this has been an ongoing thing. Whenever i mention to him that i feel I am being excluded he says im not and then the subject is dropped.

When we went to run errands yesterday morning he almost didnt go with me because it meant he would have less time to go see his parents before he had to get ready for work...he told me "I haven't seen my family in two weeks and I would like to see them". I understand he wants to see his family but also pointed out to him that DD and I are also his family.

Bio- you bring up a good point and it could be that im assuming but i dont think I am....I dont know if its MIL that is not including me or BH....he usually goes there at least once on the weekend....he will tell me he is going to his parents and is taking DD with him and wants to give me "some time to myself". Which is fine, but the time to myself is usually spent cleaning the house...its not like I am just relaxing.

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