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HurtingandLost posted 7/27/2014 13:19 PM

Probably the hardest part as a parent going through this shit is insulating the rug rats. They're not dumb. They know at some point in the very near future Mom and Dad are going to be living in different houses, and they will begin seeing us on a week on week off basis.

Problem is, she is so selfishly embedded in the A, she spends almost every waking moment away from the house with him. When I try to bring some "normal" for the kids, like going for ice cream, she's there on her iPhone texting him the entire time. She told the kids this morning she had to go to work, of course she didn't she went to his place. Drove to the hardware store to get a carbon filter for the water system and kids looked out the window "Dad, where's Mom?, She's not at her shop?"

Not the first time they've posed the question, although I didn't answer this time I have simply replied "I don't know" before. My understanding from the Princess is that OM doesn't have nor does he want kids, so not like that epiphany is likely to occur. I don't want to damage the kids or their relationship with the Selfishly Stupid STBXW. On the other hand, I don't feel like I should have to keep up a lie for her sake.

How have some of the rest of you in similar boats handled it? I'm hesitant to even say she's out with friends, as my 8 year old will know better (his IQ is off the charts). Thoughts?

krsplat posted 7/27/2014 13:41 PM

Whatever you do, don't lie to them, or even try to whitewash. At some point, they are going to figure out what really happened, and at they point they will need at least one parent who has consistently told them the truth, who they can continue to trust.

You're right that you don't want to be the one to throw her under the bus. But you should NOT be expected to cover for her either. I might stick with your usable, simple and honest "I don't know where mom goes." They can ask her, and she can do her own lying.

HurtingandLost posted 7/27/2014 13:48 PM

Its a small town, and no matter how I go about things its a toxic outcome. Took the kids the video store a week ago with same observations from the kids, and they asked her later where she was. I was accused of "parading the kids past her shop to make her look bad". Two streets in and out to go to the video store or the only hardware store that carries the filters. One goes by the back of her shop, the other in front. No win situation. I could have waited on the filter, except there are no consistent times when she shows up and has the kids, other than when I am at work. Every minute I'm off I have them.

They will ask her, and there will be more bullshit fallout. No ownership or responsibility on her part.

Nature_Girl posted 7/27/2014 16:09 PM

"I don't know" is the truth, but it won't be satisfactory forever, as you've already realized. Do they know at all that you're going to separate and get a divorce?

krsplat posted 7/27/2014 16:22 PM

She's made her own choices, and will have to deal the logical consequences as they occur. Sadly for your kids, one of these consequences is going to be that they WILL learn that their mother is a liar who betrayed their dad. It might take years, but she won't be able to hide it forever.

I am so sorry that she has put you in such a rotten position. You're being a responsible dad. Here's wishing you strength to keep being the good guy!

HurtingandLost posted 7/27/2014 16:23 PM

They know we're going to separate and get a divorce, the 8 year old gets it (and acts out towards her behavior, poor parenting, not A), the 7 year old is struggling to conceptualize how that works, and the 5 year old is scared shitless.

[This message edited by HurtingandLost at 4:23 PM, July 27th (Sunday)]

MissMouseMo posted 7/27/2014 16:27 PM

Try not to let her accusation of "parading" the kids bother you.

I know it's hard, but it's not you. If you live in a small town, if you have searched your motives, if you know in your heart of hearts that you have nothing to gain (and actually add to your own difficulty by having to explain or agonize when what they expect isn't there), you know that it's her.

And you'll never be able to help that.

Nature_Girl posted 7/27/2014 16:48 PM

So, the cat is out of the bag. That's actually good. Sad, but good.

MissMouseMo has hit the nail on the head. You have to just not let what your STBX says about you impact you. Of course this is next to impossible. I used to live in utter fear of pissing off my ex while we were going through the S&D. Like your STBX, my ex used to tell people, including our children, all kinds of lies & angles to portray me as a horrible person who was the true cause of the break-up of our marriage. All I could do was hold my head up high and live my life as honestly & "in the light" as I could. Whenever my kids came to me wondering why Dad said this or that, I was age-appropriately honest with them. Whenever a friend or acquaintance came to me with accusations my ex had leveled with me, I countered with my truth.

All I can do, all anyone can do, is live honestly & authentically. You cannot control what people will say about you or believe about you. You have to reach a place in your soul where it just doesn't matter what other people, aside from your children, think about you.

HurtingandLost posted 7/27/2014 17:56 PM

By "cat out of the bag", yes the big D is out of the bag. Controlling the stripes on the cat which scream the reasons why are the issue. Kids shouldnt have to go through this shit.

My parents were dysfunctional. Mother abusive alcoholic cheat and Dad really tried but also carried on a 12 year LTA. Every other week was another fight "who do you want to live with" decision at my kids ages. DO NOT WANT TO RUIN THEIR CHILDHOODS WITH ANY OF THIS BULLSHIT. Working towards 50 / 50 custody, week on week off. I was going to add doing damage control but it would seem everyone agree's that its her damage to fix, not mine.

Thanks folks!

Nature_Girl posted 7/27/2014 19:26 PM

Do your best not to ever let your kids know that you want them to choose where to live or who to love. Let them know that it's okay to still love their mother even if she's not acting in ways that they understand. Over & over the child psychologists I worked with emphasized this to me. Let the kids feel what they feel, be truthful always, don't make them choose.

Your STBX may try to force the kids to choose or might make them think that they have to choose, so you need to be the one who doesn't. As the late great Maya Angelou once said, people might forget what you did/said, but they won't forget how you made them feel.

10yearsafter posted 7/28/2014 07:43 AM

I'm sorry your are in such a bad situation. But the reality is that your STBXW has made a choice. Destroying your family was part of that choice. I understand your kids are young but you are not responsible for covering for your STBXW.

Why should you lie for her I don't understand why you would. She made her choice now she chooses not to behave like a decent mother. She is going to see OM instead of being with her children. She is making that choice daily.

It's not like she doesn't know she has kids and leaves them to go do what ever she want's with OM.

She is making a decision every time she leaves and lies to you and your kids.

Since your are divorcing there is no point in keeping it from them. Why put yourself through the pain of covering for her despicable behavior.

She is showing you she does not care about you or your kids.

My FWW stopped her LTA the day I confronted her. There was no more contact period. But if she had continued I would have certainly told my at the time 13 yo DD. Why would I lie to her. Oh I'm sorry your mother did not pick you up from dance class she had to work late. No, no I would have told her your mother is with another man and that is more important than being a mother to you.

I'm sorry but that is just my opinion. Your kids will find out anyway and wan't to know why they were not told.

I sorry I may sound harsh but your situation is very harsh.

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