I'm not sure it is about him having more work to do, although certainly we both do. We have talked about incidents like that, and he acknowledged them and validated my feelings and apologized. And he definitely does not do it any more. I think the further we get from the A, and the more we are growing, the more glaring those little things become and I wonder how I didn't see it then for what it was. He acknowledges that he abused me and he is very determined to alter all those old behaviours.
I suppose I wonder why he wouldn't have wanted to feel good about having me for a wife - why I didn't make him feel alpha male. Why he wouldn't have wanted other men to want me, and him be the one who "got" me. Why he had to crush me down emotionally. It seemed an important part of it somehow. If I told him I didn't like a woman, he made a point of going out of his way to be friendly to them.
Before we were married he would sometimes be extremely jealous. After we got married, he acted like nobody in the world would be tempted by me in any way. He would tell me I was beautiful when I hadn't showered. When I got dressed up.... zero compliments, and in fact he would compliment other women in front of me. And then he complained that I didn't care about my appearance. I just don't get it.
I'm not sure why it still hurts. Just processing the last 19 years of my life and feeling all kinds of sadness and wasted years and trying to understand after the fact.