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imalive posted 7/27/2014 16:53 PM

Was supposed to play golf this am, but the weather changed those plans. 6am to 9am babysitting our dog , who is terrified of thunder.

Flat out told WW that unless things change, we are headed for, at the very least, a separation. She was stunned. I held my ground, told her that I will not be the "doormat" 2nd choice, etc. I told her I was not comfortable with her relationship with her boss and basically told her that she either gets her head out of her *** or I am done and will move one. House up for sale, work out visitation for DS, etc.

Her response, as I said, was stunned. I quote: "I can't believe you are that insecure to end our marriage over this I did nothing wrong, I have never cheated on you" Told her to look up EA's online and talk to me after she had. Asked how she would feel if I was doing the same thing with someone that worked for me or with me. No real reply.

Not going to bother with VARs and all that other stuff, been married over 20+ years, she is either here or she is not. Her choice, but she doesn't have alot of time left.

Funny thing is, I know, know, she loves me...******up.

hopefulmom44 posted 7/27/2014 17:10 PM

Amalive- I'm proud of you for standing your ground. Also, please realize that if she truly loved you she, at the very least would have told you about every single communication with her boss. If she was fully committed to you, there was no need to keep anything from you.

adriana1980 posted 7/27/2014 17:31 PM

Imalive, I am sorry to mention it but you have to be realistic that most likely your wife had also PA with her boss. Considering her irrational behavior and literarly endless opportunities they have everyday I don't belive it has been just EA. There is probably more to this story than you know about it right now.

atreides posted 7/27/2014 18:39 PM

Very sorry to hear, but Good on you OP, keep us updated.

Daddo posted 7/27/2014 19:26 PM

Way to go bro

Stand firm - you handled that well.

yearsofpain25 posted 7/27/2014 19:41 PM

Buy her the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and drop it off in her lap and tell her she has to read it. You could even make it a condition for her moving forward...IF you move forwad:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503/?tag=googhydr-20&hvadid=32554557511&hvpos=1t1&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=13978579823099168954&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=b&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_376e4z285y_b

craig2001 posted 7/27/2014 19:52 PM

Buy her the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and drop it off in her lap and tell her she has to read it.
I agree. She is smart and it should open her eyes to what she has really done and how and why you feel the way you do.

And it should teach her that your concerns are not based on insecurities, but her actions.

happyman64 posted 7/27/2014 20:04 PM

Dude

She might love you but she does not respect you.

You need both in the marriage or there is not much of a relationship is there......

Shockleader posted 7/27/2014 20:05 PM

Way to go! stand up to emotional bullies, and her cowardly, lying blameshift. Save yourself the dough on buying the book (she will NEVER READ IT), and keep that spine of fucking steel. You will never regret EVER, being tough with a cheater. Good luck, and unfortunately my gut, my own experience, and being a part of SI long enough, has shown me a lot more is still unknown in your situation.

craig2001 posted 7/27/2014 20:30 PM

Imalive - Do you think there is more to this than just the EA texting?

If there isn't, she might not really realize what she did was overly wrong. But reading about anything concerning EAs will clue her in.

I think I can posted 7/28/2014 09:00 AM

You have just done the best thing possible in order to save your marriage.

imalive posted 7/28/2014 16:50 PM

Well, the conversation from the morning didn't seem to take. I made dinner last night, DS cleaned up, and she finished all her exam online.

She finally finished all her homework at 915pm, then wants me to come watch a movie with her so she has some down time. I watch about 15 minutes, then tell her I am headed to bed as I had to be up and out the door today at 5am. Kissed her on the forehead and headed upstairs.

This didn't go over well. Tracked me down, started a fight, "kiss me like I'm your wife" why didn't you spend more time with me this weekend?, ad nauseum. I asked, when was I supposed to do that as you were studying almost all day both days. "why couldn't you be near me"? Excuse me, but why would I sit quietly for all those hours doing nothing? I had other things to do.

Anyway, got about 3.5 hours of sleep, got up, went to work. While at work, got a text..r u safe? I said yes why wouldn't i be? reply "Just checking" I thanked her. She texted back "I love you" I replied I know you do I love you too" She called about 2 hours later on her way to work and sounded pretty down. I was not cold but not really talkative either. The call was pretty short. I think she was either looking for an apology or looking for me to say everything is going to be okay. I don't have anything to apologize for and I cannot say that everything is okay, when clearly it's not. I am clearly the target of her stress relief and frustrations. I'm fine with being supportive, that is what married people are supposed to be for each other. However, I am at the point that this has become one sided. Done being her "rock" until she shows me that she deserves it again. I honestly sometimes do not know who she is and others she is exactly the woman I fell in love with and still love.

PS Checked our phone records online a few minutes ago to see if she texted him last night. No texts eexcept the one she commented on in the last two months. Withdrawl?

craig2001 posted 7/28/2014 17:13 PM

Withdrawl?
I would say no. Withdrawal usually shows itself as an aloof or depressed mood. Just moping around doing nothing.

She is acting like she is worried you are filing a divorce and leaving. That is why she is calling you all of the time wondering about you, in other words, are you at the lawyers office.

Dyokemm posted 7/28/2014 18:27 PM

Take advantage of her obvious desperation to put this issue to rest once and for all.

Tell her that you need the entire truth about what exactly has been going on...this is her ONE chance to get everything into the open, and you are considering a poly for her to confirm the story if any doubts remain.

If she refuses to take a poly, or it is revealed in any way that she has continued to lie and deceive about the true extent of this, then you will immediately and irrevocably move to filing D.

This is her one chance to put this entire episode in the past and save her M.

wk55hn posted 7/28/2014 18:51 PM

Withdrawl?

I would say no. Withdrawal usually shows itself as an aloof or depressed mood. Just moping around doing nothing.
She is acting like she is worried you are filing a divorce and leaving. That is why she is calling you all of the time wondering about you, in other words, are you at the lawyers office.

Yeah, +1

h0peless posted 7/28/2014 19:06 PM

Checked our phone records online a few minutes ago to see if she texted him last night. No texts eexcept the one she commented on in the last two months. Withdrawl?

Sounds more like a burner phone to me.

sparkysable posted 7/29/2014 07:55 AM

When my XWH was in his affair, he used to call me to see where I was, when I was coming home, make sure I was where I said I was, so that he could sneak off and see the OW. Beware. Where there is smoke, there is fire. Many WS's will only admit to an EA, when in actuality, they are PA.

Hopefuldad468 posted 7/29/2014 09:40 AM

Sorry for your pain. ...we have all been there and are there now with you.

First...I don't think you have the whole truth. I think she is acting out of guilt and wanting to tell you but can't for fear of what the truth will do.
You know her the best..ask yourself what is the worst she can tell me (PA for a long time doing all sorts of stuff you would rather not picture...but will)....and then ask yourself how you would handle it...this may give you an idea how to approach her and get the needed confession to move forward.
I had to actually ask for divorse to get the real truth...and had to be willing to do it.....but each case is different.

Next...do you need her to keep her job? If no, she needs to quit or find another fast if you intend to say together.

Also if her job is not imperative to your income, then there is not a company I know of hat would tolerate a boss and subbkdinate having an EA or PA....may want to consider carefully if you want to report to her HR dept at work......

Is boss married? Bosses wife may need to know what is going on too...exposure takes the allure of sneking around out and keeps the OM busy with his family.

[This message edited by Hopefuldad468 at 7:09 AM, August 3rd (Sunday)]

imalive posted 7/29/2014 09:43 AM

Thanks for replies all.

As far as her calling me, she does that each and every morning and has for many many years. I leave the house much earlier than she does. I generally text her to let her know I am at work and in one piece (I have a fairly long commute on a busy interstate) I just didn't feel like it yesterday, hence the text r u safe.

So took her and DS out to dinner last night, even though beat tired, as I had promised DS taco night. We had dinner, came home and DS went to hang with friends. She asked if I would watch TV with her and have a beer and a glass of wine. I knew she wanted to talk, but I was tired.

She asked if we could start over, to which I asked , with what our marriage or the last few months. She said our marriage. I replied, there is no way to start over a 22+ year marriage, but that we could only go forward if we were both committed to that action. She got a little quiet, then stated she wanted that more than anything, but the last year hadn't been all that great. I agreed that there had been some great times, but some dark ones too. She said not dark, but tough times. I agreed but told her I was not up to heavy discussions as I had been up since 4, had to leave at 6 and it was already 10:30 Told her we could talk a little bit each night and be truthful with each other or it was a waste of time. Kissed her told her I loved her and always would (and meant it) and said goodnight.

More than anything I want to keep my marriage, but to me the "start over" comment sounded like a request to rugsweep which is why I replied the way I did. That's something I have learned about here. I cannot lose my own self worth or respect to "keep the marriage" Just can't do it. Thoughts on "start over"?

Hopefuldad468 posted 7/29/2014 10:16 AM

I am not sure "talking a little" each night is a good approach.. this gives the WS time to create stories and minimize details (the Trickle Truth -TT) where only little bits come out until you are satisfied and they WW does not have to divulge the whole truth.

Tell her you want to know EVERYTHING to as it is torture to find out a little at a time (Rip the band-aid off). Also tell her she gets this one chance to tell you all. If you find out she left off important things later - you are not sure your marriage could survive. It is a risk - but you need everything key very fast.

I know you want to "save your marriage" as I do. But you need to know the truth and major details. Otherwise you will always wonder and you mind will make up things that are far worse.

If you don't mind me saying - it looks like you may not want to know the whole truth or fear what she is going. Trust me she does not want to tell you and you may want not to hear it....but you need to get past this part to save anything.

Right now it is rug-sweeping and TT....you have to be ready for anything. And know how you are going to handle (calm, cool, and strong).

My case - it went from WW telling me it was "first time she wanted to do anything and (you) caught me before it happened" to "I have been in a PA with him for years and he was the love of my life at one time".... so be prepared.

Be strong...be firm....be empathetic ....but don't give her a chance to hide what you both need to discuss and don't give in to all the excuses you will hear.

Good luck and let us know.

[This message edited by Hopefuldad468 at 7:33 AM, August 16th (Saturday)]

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