SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

knightsbff posted 7/27/2014 18:10 PM

We are on vacay in FL visiting my dad, and aunts, uncles and cousins. My Aunt and Uncle are leaving on their annual trip to the keys for 2 weeks and we already planned to take the kids to Universal Studios and weren't aware they were going to the keys before we arrived. We talked about it and DH doesn't want to go to the Keys. We took them out to lunch today before they left so we could at least see them. I just started receiving a long string of texts my Aunt.

What is y'all's take on this?

"Disappointed that ya'll cant make it to the Keys ... We never know when our time on Earth is done ...It has been very hard since 2008 when Uncle was diagnosed. .. Also my emergency Back Surgery in 2012 because of the mass in my Back ... Hopefully God gives us more time ...We never know ; this may be our last trip to the Keys..Take Care ..XOXOX

Just explaining ... No pressure. .. An old persons look at Life ... Uncle is 70 & I am almost 64 ... Love Ya'll. ..I am going to send my pictures or try to..We are in the Naples area ... xo"

Why does she always bring up their medical history???

[This message edited by knightsbff at 6:14 PM, July 27th (Sunday)]

InnerLight posted 7/27/2014 18:16 PM

If it really meant so much to them, why didn't they arrange it with you in advance? Do they expect people to drop everything to follow them on their trip to the Keys?

Can you skype and have a few video chats instead?

Lucky2HaveMe posted 7/27/2014 18:22 PM

I don't know what the normal dynamic is between you & aunt - but she may have just been expressing that they were disappointed that you couldn't make it and will miss you.

Bringing up medical stuff - it's what older folks do! LOL You will know you are old when you sit around and everyone talks about their medical issues. I was at a baby shower once and sat at table with all of the older relatives (I am just a neighbor of the bride) - it was 2 hours of non-stop talk about aches & pains & tests & Drs ....

Unless she is a manipulative type and she really wanted to shame you, I wouldn't read too much into it. Just respond that you were glad to be able to see them for lunch and hope to see them again soon.

[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 6:23 PM, July 27th (Sunday)]

hurtbs posted 7/27/2014 18:55 PM

Yeah... she just told you that they're old and uncle has a lot of health problems and could die at any moment. Heck, this is the last trip they may ever take. That is really manipulative.

I live in South Florida. I love the Keys but I also know that the Keys are terrible for people/kids who don't enjoy spending hours on the beach. That's not my thing (maybe an afternoon), but otherwise it can be a tedious trip.

Also, if it was that important she should have arranged it in advance.

Very manipulative, I'm sorry.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 8:02 PM, July 27th (Sunday)]

Nature_Girl posted 7/27/2014 19:42 PM

My take on it? Extremely manipulative and shaming.

looking forward posted 7/27/2014 20:14 PM

...not only manipulative but she has a lousy outlook on her age!
I'm 63; H is 67.
WE ARE NOT OLD!

...no pressure??? Really??!!!

You took them out for lunch; that was a wonderful gift of time, too.

knightsbff posted 7/27/2014 21:23 PM

She's gotten really strange the last few years. We tried to visit them yesterday but we had to pick up DD22 at the airport as she had to work and wasn't able to drive down with us. She got kind of crazy when we decided not to meet up with them until after we had DD (so she could see them too). Aunt texted, "enjoy your trip, maybe we can see y'all next year". I was like .

I showed DD22 the texts and she said, "mom, is everyone in your family crazy? I wonder how old I will be when I catch it." I thought, "Darlin, you don't know the half of it." Poor kids. I'm trying to get her into IC now hoping she can sidestep some of the most painful life lessons I've had to learn the hard way.

I sent my Aunt a "love you guys, glad we got to see you, be safe and enjoy your trip" text.

dameia posted 7/27/2014 21:48 PM

She's gotten really strange the last few years.

Is it possible she is suffering from early onset dementia or Alzheimers? Not that your particular examples seem to fit with that, but they do say when older people have big personality changes that is often the reason. But what do I know, I'm not a doctor.

It sounds like she was trying to guilt trip you...I grew up in an Irish Catholic family so I'm well acquainted with that dynamic. Just try to shrug it off.

knightsbff posted 7/27/2014 22:05 PM

Thanks guys,

I'm over it. I just thought it was really weird. In the past I would have loved to have been invited on that trip but she has always invited my brother. Now she's acting put out because we decided not to change our plans and trek 8 hours further south during lobster mini season (it will be packed, we have no reservations...). I lived in the keys for 5 years. I would love to go back but not this trip. I want knight to enjoy this vacay and the Keys are a trigger for him because that is where I met and married my 1st H (has nothing to do with my infidelity, it's just something that is tough for knight to deal with).

I love my Aunt and Uncle, but I will not be hijacked or made to feel guilty. Some stuff I have learned around here. Boundaries. I'm protecting my H and my family's best interests and time.

I'm choosing to deal with it by loving them and just letting comments like that roll off. I do that sometimes with family stuff. I consider if it's worth it to address an attitude or statement that I disagree with. Something's I feel I have to face head on and something I feel I can just ignore and happily go about my life wishing the offender well with the understanding that they are probably doing the best they know how to. Is that a healthy way to cope or is it conflict avoidance?

knightsbff posted 7/27/2014 22:28 PM

Inner Light,
I will make an effort to communicate with them more. It does kind of seem like they wanted us to just change plans and follow them on down, lol.

L2hm,
She has been strangely manipulative with other family members over the last few years. I don't have a problem with her talking about their medical problems at all, it's the way she brings them up....kind of like leverage or something.

Hurtbs,
Yep, my two youngest kids would not enjoy the keys. They get very anxious in the water, especially the ocean. Oldest DD, knight and I like to scuba dive so we would find something to do but the other two would be bored on the boat.

Hurtbs & NG,
Manipulative was what I was thinking too, but I was wondering if I was over analyzing...

Looking forward,
I was thinking that was a bit overkill on the age thing...Uncle is my dad's youngest brother and dad still plays 18 holes 4 or 5 times a week.

Dameia,
I was actually wondering when I was talking to her today if she maybe had a stroke or some anoxic brain injury when she had the emergency back surgery in 2012. Her speech is a little slurred and her face is different. I was trying to stay out of her business but I couldn't help wondering if she has one provider managing all of her meds to make sure she doesn't have some interaction going on or something. She is very different than the last time I saw her.

She has been sort of feuding with my other family members in the area lately and blowing up fb with all sorts of cryptic dramatic statements over the last year. When I was far away reading it my sibs and I would kind of laugh and say she's getting kind of crazy in her golden years. But seeing her, now I'm kind of worried about her.

Jrazz posted 7/27/2014 22:47 PM

Crazz's grandmother ALWAYS includes her maladies in every conversation. She also reminds me how lonely they are and how nobody visits them or invites them anywhere.

The last time she really went off on me for neglecting her was at our house when we had them stay with us for a week for Christmas.

I feel ya. (((kbff)))

wontdefineme posted 7/27/2014 23:52 PM

Tell her you wished they could have come to Universal Studios with you and the kids but understood because of her age, health issues and that you understood them choosing the beach over roller coasters.

Tearsoflove posted 7/28/2014 00:45 AM

I would have texted back "Okay. Thanks for understanding! I'll look forward to your photos. Love you both."

And then let it go. Whether or not she was trying to make you feel guilty, you still get a choice in whether or not you actually do.