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Might be onto something here

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deena04 posted 7/27/2014 20:18 PM

WS was talking last night as I lay myself down on bedrest. He cooked, got kids situated, cleaned, and sat down to talk. We ended up discussing his childhood. I have wondered about an incident from his childhood for a while. I asked more questions, which he hesitantly answered. He posts on wayward so I don't know if I should put it out here fully until he's ready, but it appears an adult "did" things to him when he was small. He doesn't remember fully. Does anyone have info on memory suppressing? Does this kind of event link to infidelity? It was almost an aha moment as things made sense as to why his family takes the first place prize on fucked up-ness. I want to help him no matter what happens with us. He needs to deal with this big time! My apologies if I shouldn't have said this yet as he posts, too, but it is a red flag that could help his healing if he is willing.

yearsofpain25 posted 7/27/2014 20:40 PM

Does this kind of event link to infidelity?

Absolutely. I am not a victim of CSA myself, but I am a victim of childhood abuse. I was also with a woman for 3 years who was a CSA. In fact, every long term relationship I have been in my partner had been sexually abused in some way. As such, and with various pieces of my own story I have shared here on SI, I have conversed with a few here who have been victims of CSA in both BS and WS. I can unequivocally say that any sort of sexual abuse, or even non sexual abuse can have profound impacts and can manifest in acting out promiscuously.

Whether it's searching for "love" or "validation" from not receiving love as a child to acting out sexually in an effort to "control" something that they did not have control over as a child can lead to infidelity. Ask him about "control" issues and if it's something he may have been acting out to get control over. Be prepared as you may get a very heavy answer.

Isn't FOO(ey) just grand (note the extreme sarcasm).


[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 8:41 PM, July 27th (Sunday)]

deena04 posted 7/27/2014 21:23 PM

I have asked about control and yes those issues exist. I had noticed that before actually. He has only cheated once, which I am not trying to downplay, but it happened when I asserted myself as not putting up with control issues. His family is beyond messed up. We have no contact with them except for one level headed brother that also has no contact with them. This brother is a psychiatrist now. My new bedrest project is to read all I can about CSA. It feels like a sad breakthrough. Sad that it happened, but necessary to work through. He has never spoken to anyone about it, but others in his family have admitted to being victims of this same asshole. It has made me wonder for a long time as it was a sitter and he was the youngest child.

deena04 posted 7/27/2014 21:29 PM

Need to add that he is having a hard time speaking about this so I'm not sure I know it all yet. We are talking as much as he can handle right now about that. I'm trying to reassure that he's not to blame for CSA and he can work to fix himself and grow.

UnexpectedSong posted 7/28/2014 08:42 AM

Please look up "secondary survivor" and how to talk about this. Actually, you shouldn't. It's too easy for you to say something and it sounds like it's his fault.

You have NO IDEA what it's like to even say the words.

deena04 posted 7/28/2014 12:02 PM

UnexpectedSong...can you clarify? Do I look it up and stay quiet? I am trying to encourage him to get the help he needs for it; not trying to hurt him more. Thanks :)

UnexpectedSong posted 7/29/2014 09:07 AM

A trained therapist is the best person to elicit information.

For a survivor, two truths are paramount. 1. In the retelling, you are reliving. And that is terrifying. 2. One of the biggest fears is that you will not be believed or that it wasn't so bad.

An innocent and loving question from you like "did you scream?" or "why didn't you run away?" is translated as "I don't believe you" and it is easy to cause the survivor to shut down. It is extremely difficult to ask questions that are not construed as disbelief.

Holly-Isis posted 7/29/2014 10:28 AM

MrH was molested by a neighbor @ 6yo. He didn't tell anyone until 6yrs later, then he told his mom. He had therapy with a county IC for a year.

The 2A started 1 month to the day that my DS turned the same age he was when he was molested. Yet there is no correlation according to MrH.

I didn't learn about the SAb until a couple of years after the A. We had been together 16yrs at that point. He only told me to "prove" how people could let horrible things go. Like I should have done at that point with the A. Even though he's over it, he can't talk about it. No need to go to IC; though I learned at the Male Survivors board that "tune ups" are needed at various points in your life when issues come up.

I would say the A is an issue.

I do think it has something to do with his As especially the 2A.

I have an idea about how hard it is talk about it. I cry when I share certain abuses and neglects. I wasn't SAb- though some abuses had a sexual aspect to them. I do believe that ignoring it as well as the A issues has created a wall around MrH that damages our M and has forced me to build my own wall in order to feel safer.

BrokenButTrying posted 7/29/2014 10:29 AM


I follow your story through your husband's posts in wayward.

I think you are displaying a huge amount of courage and strength to help him with this, well done. I have zero experience of CSA so I can't offer any advice but I will say remember to look after yourself. You are on bedrest, don't get too overwhelmed by it all.

Take these discussions slowly, work together as a team to sort through it all. Read together and support each other. This isn't an easy time for you, be kind to yourself.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 10:30 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)]

deena04 posted 7/29/2014 12:57 PM

Thank you all very much. Reading has taken on new goals for me as I'm reading a lot on CSA and cheating. Being a researcher by nature, it's got me needing to know more and try to handle it well for him and with him. Like it was noted, no blaming should come out so trying to carefully go through this. Counseling is a must now. We had money issues keeping us from it before, but it can't be avoided in light of this.

justme1264 posted 7/29/2014 13:05 PM

Yes, you can and do suppress CSA. To the point you become in denial as an adult. It's how some people as children cope with things they are not able to deal with - it's a surviving mechanism. However, the residual effects are always there. I can't say it is linked to infidelity, as I personally have never been a wayward. But, everyone deals with them in their own way.

choosehappy86 posted 7/29/2014 13:15 PM

my husband was also molested when he was young and I think its why he can be emotionally unavailable at times....

yearsofpain25 posted 7/29/2014 14:59 PM

In my experience, I never asked questions or pushed any of my partners to talk about their sex abuse. I let them open up and when they did talk about it, or were willing to talk about it, I just held them. I don't think I said much other then to let them know that it wasn't their fault and that I was there for them.

The one ltgf that I suspect had extreme CSA never could tell me. I have had a few conversations about what my experiences were with this one particular ltgf with other CSA survivors here. One thing that I did learn and had no idea at the time, is that she probably tried to show me what happened since she couldn't talk about it. And that I was someone who she could use to reinact certain things in order to gain control over them. This was someone that I deeply cared about.

Tread gently and be kind. Know when to back off and let them come to you.

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