It gets worse....I will add more later.
Thank you though, for being here. Having read posts off and on for the last couple weeks, I feel so relieved. So....grateful for all of the wisdom here. Thank you thank you thank you.
It's been 6 months, if I read your post correctly. 6 months in which you have been lied to, minimized, and essentially been replaced. I wish that you had found us earlier too, to minimize your pain. But you have found us now. And it's time to use our hard-won collective wisdom.
If you have not already, please look at the yellow box in the upper left corner, and click on The Healing Library. Read it. Especially read the part on the 180. Any post that is in the first 3 pages of this forum that has a red target next to it, read as well. This is all information that you need to know and, knowledge is power.
There is, frankly, nothing else to figure out. Either your WH is fully supportive of your marriage, is willing to send a NC letter to the OW, and is going to go to IC to figure out what his dysfunction is, or he is trying to persuade you that an open marriage is A-OK with you. You are either the primary person in his life or you are Plan B where to go when his lurve interests decide to screw around with him and that safe place for HIM to fall ... while you thrash around in limbo-land.
Really, and sadly, this it the reality of what shit he is asking you to choke down.
I would urge you, tomorrow, to call a few lawyers in your area and consult with them. Ask what your rights are and what you are entitled to. And if this seems too harsh, realize that you also have to call you doctor and ask for a full STD/HIV screening. Because he decided to betray your vows. And he needs to do the same thing before you even THINK about having any physical contact with him. And his doctor MUST give you the results personally. Because the person that you thought was your partner, had your back, and was the soft place for you to fall, has betrayed you, has been proven a liar, and cannot be trusted.
This is all really horrible, hard stuff to have to choke down. We understand. We have ALL been in your shoes. I'm so sorry. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Wow, what a difficult path you've been on. I feel for you. We have something in common: my mother also flew in to visit for a bit over a week after D-Day #1. She stayed and supported me and the kids. About a month later she suffered a massive aneurysm and was brain-dead instantly. I flew down to her hospital and ordered life support removed.
So one silver lining of this whole mess: I got one last week with my mother, and something that brought us closer together after I hadn't seen her for quite a while.
It's really hard suffering the pain of betrayal or the pain of losing a parent. Together they're nearly unbearable.
I hope your D goes more smoothly and some of the weirdness goes away.
What I came to know was that my xww was simply broken, nothing made sense, and there was absolutely nothing that anybody could do to bring her back to reality. Once I realized I had no control over her choices I just simply had to let her go live her life because I refused to let her destroy mine. It is a decision I have no regrets over. Had I been able to get through the fog and get her to work on R, I know she would have cheated again, and it would have destroyed me anyway.
Even without the help of SI you made some difficult and correct choices early on in this process, that is so good to hear. I found SI a little late also and it certainly would have saved some pain but I guess it wouldn't have affected the outcome. Post here often, everyone here wants to help and will give you great advice if that is what you need. We will also just listen if you just need to vent.
I am going to include a link to "patterns of betrayal" on another website. I don't recall which SI member posted it a few weeks ago but it sure does a great job of describing the wayward thinking.
I wish you and your family the very best! I also wish you peace and strength in the healing process!
4 kids all adults.
Married 22+ years.
I have moved on and life is good!
OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.
Hopeful but cautious
He wanted time to choose which of us to be with.
She made sure that I filed for divorce.
[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 1:53 PM, July 28th (Monday)]
NeverAgain2013 -- Yes! A friend of mine helped me see that -- she said WHAT? he's no great prize. Do not let him do that to you. And yes, my mama was one smart cookie. I wish I could talk with her. But she gave me the tools. I will use them.
We have a mediation appointment next week. I'm nervous, but hopeful. I gave up my career -- moved across the country away from the job -- to be a SAHM, take care of WH's grandmother, then his mother. Have been an unpaid, unappreciated secretary,etc. for years. Have had PT jobs, lots of volunteering. Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst here.
Me BS, 56
Him WH, hopefully STBXWH, almost 51
married 24 years, will be 25 years on 8/5/2014
Two brilliant, fantastic grown children 23 and 20
D filed 4/23/2014