"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

GreenandBlue posted 7/27/2014 20:19 PM

D-Day was January 31. The man I had trusted more than anyone sat down near me, started a lovely conversation, then confessed that he had been having an affair for about a year. That he was in love with her. That he wanted a divorce and was moving out the next day. I was frozen. I told him I would fight for him. However, at that point, I had no idea how far gone he was. I didn’t know about the 180. That would have saved me so much anguish.
As I asked questions, I figured out who this OW was – someone who had hired our young adult kids to do childcare for her young kids while she had “Grown-up Time.” Someone who is 15 years younger than me. Someone who has way more financial resources. Someone who had become way too chummy with our 19 -year old son during that childcare time. (Chatting for hours on the phone, texting, etc.) I was worried about my son’s relationship with her, about a year before D-Day, talked to WH about it then (of course, I still knew nothing about the affair). He said, oh, don’t worry, they are just good friends. I still worried, but knew that 19 year old son was going back to school, 1000 miles away and would be with kids his own age. Within a few weeks, 19 year old reported that she was suddenly distant (phew, I thought).
I now know that this affair has been going on for far longer – probably two years, maybe three. I suspect that she was auditioning our kids.
The morning after D-Day, I called family, close friends. Asked for help. An aunt called and said: 1) get to the doctor, 2) get to IC, 3) get an attorney. WH told me on a Friday night. I had all of those appointments accomplished within a week. I did them in robot-mode, but kept repeating to myself: I have to do this. Family kept calling me – urging me to get a lawyer.
He wanted time to figure it all out. He moved out on the day after D-Day to live with yet another woman and her kids. This corporate professional is supposedly living in a single Mom’s basement, doing handy man work and babysitting for rent. This single mom is *not* the OW but allowed WH & OW to use her basement for their secret meetings. He wanted time to choose which of us to be with. We went to MC. He refused to stop the affair. Said he would “consider it.” WH started making comparisons between OW and me in conversation to me. WH said “Well, you have her beat in the kitchen.” When he said that, I vowed never to cook for him again. Ever.
WH told our adult kids that fervently hoped to be able, in time, to sit down all together and have a nice meal, enjoying each other’s company and family love. Both kids were disgusted. Our oldest child won’t speak to him. WH has only tried to contact her twice since February 1st. WH says he is afraid that she won’t answer the phone (WTH???) or that she will yell at him (so????). Our 20 year old son is talking with WH but is not happy about the lies, the blame WH places on me, the blame he places on the kids, the blame he places anywhere but on himself.

It gets worse....I will add more later.
Thank you though, for being here. Having read posts off and on for the last couple weeks, I feel so relieved. So....grateful for all of the wisdom here. Thank you thank you thank you.

Skan posted 7/27/2014 20:54 PM

Ah, dear heart. Welcome. Welcome to the most supportive place that you never wanted to have the reason to find. We are all here for you.

It's been 6 months, if I read your post correctly. 6 months in which you have been lied to, minimized, and essentially been replaced. I wish that you had found us earlier too, to minimize your pain. But you have found us now. And it's time to use our hard-won collective wisdom.

If you have not already, please look at the yellow box in the upper left corner, and click on The Healing Library. Read it. Especially read the part on the 180. Any post that is in the first 3 pages of this forum that has a red target next to it, read as well. This is all information that you need to know and, knowledge is power.

There is, frankly, nothing else to figure out. Either your WH is fully supportive of your marriage, is willing to send a NC letter to the OW, and is going to go to IC to figure out what his dysfunction is, or he is trying to persuade you that an open marriage is A-OK with you. You are either the primary person in his life or you are Plan B where to go when his lurve interests decide to screw around with him and that safe place for HIM to fall ... while you thrash around in limbo-land.

Really, and sadly, this it the reality of what shit he is asking you to choke down.

I would urge you, tomorrow, to call a few lawyers in your area and consult with them. Ask what your rights are and what you are entitled to. And if this seems too harsh, realize that you also have to call you doctor and ask for a full STD/HIV screening. Because he decided to betray your vows. And he needs to do the same thing before you even THINK about having any physical contact with him. And his doctor MUST give you the results personally. Because the person that you thought was your partner, had your back, and was the soft place for you to fall, has betrayed you, has been proven a liar, and cannot be trusted.

This is all really horrible, hard stuff to have to choke down. We understand. We have ALL been in your shoes. I'm so sorry. (((hugs)))

GreenandBlue posted 7/27/2014 21:44 PM

I should have posted more... but yes, I did get STD testing ASAP, also IC, and interviewed three lawyers, chose one -- all within a week of D-Day. While dazed, I just kept putting one foot in front of the other.
WH was outraged that I had STD testing because of course, he was careful to make sure OW was clean and she's a nurse, so why worry? Ha!
The attorney whom I hired turns out to be the best divorce attorney in town, from what I'm hearing.
***
My mom insisted on flying cross country to help me. All my brothers and sisters knew she was sick, but not how sick. She demanded that they hide any details of her illness from me.
Mom arrived April 1. When she deplaned, it was obvious that something was very wrong. On April 3, she heard via phone that she had lung cancer. She downplayed it, saying it was a tiny spot, that it was easily fixed. We found out much later that she had traveled against doctor’s orders. Mom stayed with me for her scheduled 3 weeks. Refused to go home. Refused to see a doctor until she returned home. I cannot describe the physical pain that I watched her endure as she sat with me. I took care of her as best I could, alerted my family discreetly that she was far more ill than she was saying, got her to line up doctor’s appointments as soon as she returned home, made sure that she had enough pain meds to get through most days. She made sure that I filed for divorce.
After she returned home, my brothers and sisters who live closer to her took turns taking care of her. On June 26, I flew to her to help her; she had just checked into hospice. I stayed with her 24/7. She died on July 1. Those days in hospice were a gift to me. Her days with me in April….also a gift. She had been through possibly the cruelest divorce – my father was horrible – and wanted to give me her hard-won wisdom. I have taken it to heart.
During the time that I cared for her with my siblings, during the time that I planned her funeral, and spent time with my family, my worry and despair over WH’s actions and continued small cruelties became tiny. He was a mere thread – a nothing in my life.
Returning home, the divorce proceeds and the thread of WH's betrayal expands to obscure my view again. It’s like a gloomy, scary tent over everything. WH is whiny, lies to everyone (why? Why now? What could be the point?). There are many strange details to the affair. My attorney is baffled by some of the weirdness.
Yesterday, STBXWH walked through the house to choose what he wanted as part of splitting things up. I hate seeing him. What did I ever see in him? He made nasty little digs at me and our son. While I *know* that 180 is better for me (figured that out pretty soon in IC -- but didn't have the name or the list), there are times when I just want to call him out. Scream -- look at what you have done, how far this spreads, how many you have hurt. But...he can't hear me even when I do.
_____________________________________________
Me BS, 56
Him WH, hopefully STBXWH, almost 51
married 24 years, will be 25 years on 8/5/2014
Two brilliant, fantastic grown children 23 and 20
D-Day 1/31/2014
D filed 4/23/2014, ETD, not yet known

healingroad posted 7/28/2014 03:52 AM

(((GreenandBlue)))

Wow, what a difficult path you've been on. I feel for you. We have something in common: my mother also flew in to visit for a bit over a week after D-Day #1. She stayed and supported me and the kids. About a month later she suffered a massive aneurysm and was brain-dead instantly. I flew down to her hospital and ordered life support removed.

So one silver lining of this whole mess: I got one last week with my mother, and something that brought us closer together after I hadn't seen her for quite a while.

It's really hard suffering the pain of betrayal or the pain of losing a parent. Together they're nearly unbearable.

I hope your D goes more smoothly and some of the weirdness goes away.

bigskyblues posted 7/28/2014 05:09 AM

GreenandBlue, welcome to a place that can really help!It is so amazing how all of our story's are different and yet so many aspects are similar.

What I came to know was that my xww was simply broken, nothing made sense, and there was absolutely nothing that anybody could do to bring her back to reality. Once I realized I had no control over her choices I just simply had to let her go live her life because I refused to let her destroy mine. It is a decision I have no regrets over. Had I been able to get through the fog and get her to work on R, I know she would have cheated again, and it would have destroyed me anyway.

Even without the help of SI you made some difficult and correct choices early on in this process, that is so good to hear. I found SI a little late also and it certainly would have saved some pain but I guess it wouldn't have affected the outcome. Post here often, everyone here wants to help and will give you great advice if that is what you need. We will also just listen if you just need to vent.

I am going to include a link to "patterns of betrayal" on another website. I don't recall which SI member posted it a few weeks ago but it sure does a great job of describing the wayward thinking.

http://beyondaffairs.com/patterns-of-betrayal/

I wish you and your family the very best! I also wish you peace and strength in the healing process!

BSB

BlueBlueEyes posted 7/28/2014 12:24 PM

I really don't have anything I would add. I think you handled things really well. Sometimes broken means broken. That doesn't make it hurt less though when a significant portion of your life has involved someone you didn't really know.

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/28/2014 13:52 PM

He wanted time to choose which of us to be with.

LOL. I had to chuckle on that one. Like HE'S such a friggen prize that he assumes you were both going to wait around with baited breath praying "pick me! Pick me!!" Douche canoe.

She made sure that I filed for divorce.

Your mama (bless her heart) was one smart cookie.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 1:53 PM, July 28th (Monday)]

GreenandBlue posted 7/29/2014 15:04 PM

bigskyblues, thank you for that link! It did indeed help. I even shared it with my adult kiddoes, thinking that it will help them understand why their father is behaving so strangely.
mhca, oh, this sounds terrible, but it is sooo helpful to hear from someone who has been through the double loss at once. I feel like my compass is broken, there are no anchors, no land in sight. My father is gone. I'm the oldest sibling, so everyone looks to me for leadership. You are right, the connection with your mother is a silver lining. I listen for my Mom's advice daily. She'd be shocked, but pleased.
Thanks for your good wishes, BlueBlueEyes.

NeverAgain2013 -- Yes! A friend of mine helped me see that -- she said WHAT? he's no great prize. Do not let him do that to you. And yes, my mama was one smart cookie. I wish I could talk with her. But she gave me the tools. I will use them.
We have a mediation appointment next week. I'm nervous, but hopeful. I gave up my career -- moved across the country away from the job -- to be a SAHM, take care of WH's grandmother, then his mother. Have been an unpaid, unappreciated secretary,etc. for years. Have had PT jobs, lots of volunteering. Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst here.
GreenandBlue
_____________________________________________
Me BS, 56
Him WH, hopefully STBXWH, almost 51
married 24 years, will be 25 years on 8/5/2014
Two brilliant, fantastic grown children 23 and 20
D-Day 1/31/2014
D filed 4/23/2014