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How long did you refuse sex with your WS after D-Day?

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HobbesTheTiger posted 7/28/2014 02:54 AM

I'm not sure if this is the right forum.

Some time after my xWGF confessed to me about cheating, I started to refuse to have sex with her. At time, I rationalized it as a result of my fear of her getting pregnant (we had condoms break a couple of times etc.), me not being sure if I still want to be with her, her unwilling to go on the pill etc.

It went on for around 6 months before we started having sex again.

For a long time, even after she broke up with me, I felt like a "freak", "gay", "damaged" for not having sex with her for so long. And I felt guilty and thinking that no wonder she broke up with me since I refused sex for so long. Now, I'm slowly coming to the realisation that I might have been so disguested and shocked by everything, that it was "normal" for me to avoid having sex with her for so long.

So I was wondering if anyone else had a phase where they refused to have sex with their wayward partner, even though they were in R or limbo? If so, how long did it last?

Thanks for your answers!

Ostrich80 posted 7/28/2014 03:11 AM

I didn't refuse but instead jumped into HB. I really thought it would fix everything, very naive of me. I am no longer having sex with wh since I had DD2 and found out he was visiting some pretty sleazy hook up sitas...its been a year now but we are not in R.
Everyone reacts in their own way. Some are disgusted or fear STD, some try to reclaim ws with sex, some are just to upset to even think about touching ws. There's no wrong or right.

overandone posted 7/28/2014 03:27 AM

About 10 days. Then another week's gap. Both instigated by me. After which I invited him back into our bedroom. Back to normal sex 1-3 times a week apart from a few times when I was really pissed off.

Guinness23 posted 7/28/2014 03:47 AM


beingmiranda posted 7/28/2014 05:13 AM

Forever for me too. Nasty. I could not get past it.

SadFlower posted 7/28/2014 07:39 AM

It took five days. Five days of lying in bed, never touching, until he put his arms around me on day felt so good!...and one thing led to another.

heme posted 7/28/2014 07:43 AM

3-4 months after DDay 1.. After DDay 2, umm, he'll be lucky if I am ever intimate with him again. Ive totally lost my sex drive, I don't know if its from being pregnant or from the fact hes crushed my trust in him but its just not there.

EvenKeel posted 7/28/2014 07:44 AM

I tried to but once that trust was broken, I just could not connect. It was all mechanical.

At some point I thought....what IS the point of going through the motions if nothing has changed? So I stopped altogether as well.

1bigidiot79 posted 7/28/2014 08:21 AM

For those of you who have replied that you have quit having sex all together...are you still in a relationship with that person? Are you just living together but not having sex? Are you still interested in R?

I'm just curious to see if the no sex was a deal breaker in the relationship for you or your spouse. I am a WS and it has been over a year for us and I'm wondering if it will ever happen again.

I want to remain in the relationship but I'm not sure I can forever if there is no hope of sex ever returning. I think for me it is a deal breaker but the question is at what point? When do you give up trying?

MadOldBat posted 7/28/2014 08:57 AM

I'm only 3-4 weeks into finding out about WH prostitutes.
atm i feel like I may never have another sexual feeling without throwing up.
He's trying hard - keeps patting me and wanting to hug.
Wants to go to counselling - whatever it takes,
"whatever you want to do" - just feeling like it's putting it all on me.
Has talked and promised and sworn 'never, ever again'.
Problem is, if you've heard all this before, there is no way a BS is going to believe that one.
He wants R
I want some space to think.
Trapped in the same house, but 'I've moved him' into the guest room.
I feel like i've been seriously injured in a car crash.
He says he feels 'like a stupid child'.
I definitely don't want to be his mother!!!!

million tears posted 7/28/2014 10:12 AM

It was about 6 months for me too. It was on our anniversary. I bawled for 2 days after. I have never celebrated my anniversary again.

FaithFool posted 7/28/2014 10:18 AM

Forever for me too. Nasty. I could not get past it.

This ^^^

Six months of in-house separation before he moved out for good.

Learning to embrace celibacy as a lifestyle which, at my age, is not a bad thing. Too many freaks out there...

[This message edited by FaithFool at 10:19 AM, July 28th (Monday)]

steppingup posted 7/28/2014 10:21 AM

After I discovered my wife's first affair we didn't have sex for nearly 7 months, but that was because she was refusing me...and I was also not confident to start up. I think she was being defiant, because I disturbed her "fun".

Should be the other way around? I've never refused my wife sex ever. Such behaivor in my humble opinion is contray to the marriage aggrement.

We are at DDday #3..or 4, I've stopped counting, my wife is no longer interested in sex, and on the rare occasion that she "gives in", she is uninvolved and just lays there like she is waiting for me to get done. Its a horrible feeling afterward and causes me to want to just give up on sex altogether despite my desire.

[This message edited by steppingup at 10:25 AM, July 28th (Monday)]

tfkeel posted 7/28/2014 11:10 AM

Like others, I moved into HB right away.

My fWW blamed my low desire and inexperience at sex for her affair. She compared me unfavorably to her AP, both in anatomy and ability.

Over time, my desire for sex with her waned low.

On the day following a sexual encounter between us, she made a statement containing a sexual put-down to me, and something inside me "snapped". I said to myself, "...well, I sure hope you enjoyed it, because that will be the last time I will ever do it with you again...".

HobbesTheTiger posted 7/28/2014 12:19 PM

Hi, thank you all for your replies.

1big, to answer your question, in retrospect, my refusal to have sex might have been the biggest issue for her that ultimately led to hear breaking up with me. Even though we started to have sex again and stayed together afterwards for almost a year after resuming sex, she later claimed she wasn't in love with me anymore and felt like room-mates/best friends, not lovers. So the sex hiatus might have been a big part of this.

I wish all of you all the best!

EvenKeel posted 7/29/2014 10:07 AM

For those of you who have replied that you have quit having sex all together...are you still in a relationship with that person?

No. We did stay together for a couple years more but he was not committed to R or healing us.

choosehappy86 posted 7/29/2014 13:37 PM

Kind of ashamed to say this but the day he admitted to the affair we had sex. My mindset was that I was leaving and separating was the ultimate boundary because he no longer have access to my body or my presence for that matter. So separating was my way of refusing sex but while I was at home I wanted to improve the relationship between me and him at the time and wanting to leave on good terms. I left him 2 days after he admitted and we had sex day of which was a Wednesday where I told him I think we should separate, announced Thursday that I was leaving the next day and we had sex again, Friday I left. Now keep in mind this is my third (failing) attempt to reconcile and when I am back home with him I dont withold sex. I mean if I am going to be home I am going to work on my marriage. If I feel like I dont want him to touch me I dont want to be in the house at all so its kind of all or nothing for me and separation in a sense automatically refuses the sex. Not saying this worked in my favor cause I am on failed reconciliation number three. But I dont blame the separation method or not witholding sex while I am at home. I blame me for not making him show me proof that he was serious about reconciling BEFORE I come back home which thats gonna change immediately!

Mack9512 posted 7/29/2014 14:21 PM

It took about 3 months after the final DDay. I was literally scared to have sex with him because every time we had sex after DDay 1, literally the very next day I either found more stuff or I received a text or call from the OBS. Almost 2 years into R and I still instinctually flinch whenever a phone goes off the next day.

solus sto posted 7/29/2014 15:02 PM

The last d-day? Forever. He was unremorseful and scoffed at the notion of STD testing. I'd gone the HB route in the past. I'd done the struggle-to-regain-intimacy. I'd done the try-and-try-only-to-be-rejected-over-and-over approach.

So this time, I was done. Until I saw remorse and test results, we were in separate rooms.

I did ultimately see test results--though he did not have a full panel done. (He DID have the test done by our shared family doctor, who reamed him, which was mildly entertaining, though.)

I never saw the remorse. I never saw even a scintilla of movement toward establishing emotional intimacy that is a prerequisite for physical intimacy. Furthermore, we received professional diagnosis that he is complexly personality disordered, and cannot form empathy in a way that is recognizable to others, and does not experience remorse.

Together, these things made me see he did not deserve my touch. I now know he never did.

[This message edited by solus sto at 3:03 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)]

needfriendshere posted 7/29/2014 15:05 PM

My experience is a lot like SadFlower's. After 9 days, we were just holding each other and he was comforting me and one thing led to another...
Since then, that part of our lives has been amazing!

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