I have been feeling very disconnected lately because I don't feel like WBF and I talk enough. He has changed a lot in the last year and a half, he doesn't go out with the guys, he does things around the house, etc., but I don't feel like he has done much self-examination. I still see the anger surfacing here and there. He says that "maybe some people don't need counceling to change, maybe some people can just do it on their own", and he says he's done it. We talk about everyday things, but not really anything deep, and not about his A. It's not entirely his fault-I have a difficult time talking about it too. Most of the time when I'm needing to talk about it I will write him a letter and hope for a response.
We are in A season, so I don't know if that is making things worse or not, but the other day I was frustrated so I wrote him a letter and gave it to him last night.
See, the other day I came into the bedroom and he was standing on the bed fiddling around with stuff on top of a cabinet. When I asked what he was doing he said that he was just putting these arrows away up there (arrows that have been sitting elsewhere, not put away, for about a year). (during his A he bought a second fone and sometimes had it hidden in the house right under my nose, so the first thing that popped into my head, was that while he was just in town, he bought another phone and is hiding it up where I never look) It seemed odd to me, but I let it go. I kept thinking that it was weird, that he didn't put any of the other stuff away, but whatever.
Then later that night, I was still feeling just kind of crappy and a little anxious, I don't really know what, and he tried to kiss me. I kissed him, but only a peck. He asked-you don't want to kiss me? I said no. He laid there for a couple minutes, then fell asleep. 20 minutes later, just as I was falling asleep, he wakes up and starts trying to touch me and says that he was in the mood and wanted to have sex. I blew him off and said I'm sleeping. He was a ittle pissy, got up to go have a cigarette, and I fell asleep before he came back to bed.
So the letter I wrote him asked why he would wake me up to have sex after I had said I didn't even want to kiss him (I have told him many times before that when I am not feeling emotionally connected to him, I do not want to have sex), I wrote that I thought that was selfish and rude. To help explain why I wasn't in the mood, I mentioned that we haven't talked much lately, that I've told him all kinds of things that he could talk about (he always says he doesn't know what to say), I mentioned the arrows and that during his A he could come up with any excuse to cover his ass, so I just don't know if I should believe things now.
His response to my letter was to tell me that he really was just putting those arrows away and that he was sorry that he didn't say that I don't need to be suspicious of him, but that he thought it was implied that I don't have to be suspicious of him. I asked why it's implied, that he hid things from me before, and he got mad and said "so obviously you think I'll do it again". He then told me that it makes him feel bad that I see him like that. I told him that I can't just believe every word that comes out of his mouth-I used to, and he ruined that. Then he was just mad that I don't care how he feels. It made me feel like I'm the one who's being selfish because I just thought, too fricking bad! Sorry if I'm a little leary on ignoring things that I find a little odd, I ignored those odd things once before and found out later that I shouldn't have!
So I don't know, I don't even know if this will make sense to anyone, I didn't really explain it very well, but what do you think? Am I being selfish by thinking that I have a right to be suspicious and to ask questions, even if it makes him feel bad?