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SI not healthy?

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StartingFreshNow posted 7/28/2014 08:37 AM

Last week I discovered this site and created three posts in a day. I found this site very helpful for me. It's reassuring and also is helping me learn some healthy ways to help us heal (mainly help me help my BH heal), etc.

However, over the weekend my BH expressed he was upset I came here and that I'm "looking up how fast he should be moving on", etc. He came to the conclusion that's what I'm doing because I told him about this site, he came to it, read one post about a WS continuing to lie, and he thinks this site is awful.

Is this site really as great as I feel it to be or do you think it could be detrimental as well? I feel as though I'm using it in the "right" way. I'm not looking to move my BH on, I'm not looking to get told what I did was ok (it was far from it), etc.

Hell, it's convinced me to come fully clean with my BH which is something I thought I'd never do.

I haven't been asked not to come on here so I think it's ok (with my BH) that I'm still here, but I can't help but wonder why he is so against me finding someplace to get help. I also told him I checked out 3 books from the library about healing from affairs and he doesn't seem too thrilled about that either. In the past he's made comments such along the lines that I shouldn't have to be told what to do to fix things, I should know the right thing to do.

Thank you :)

NaiveAgain posted 7/28/2014 08:51 AM

It concerns me that your BS is not being supportive for you to get healthy. What is he afraid of?

SI has saved so many relationships (and more). There is a collective wisdom here that if one person posts something not quite so healthy, others will work to try to correct the error. Since you are not just coming here but also going to the library to educate yourself and work thru this, again, it makes me wonder what is going on?

I found this site very helpful for me. It's reassuring and also is helping me learn some healthy ways to help us heal (mainly help me help my BH heal),
What is he wanting/needing to help him heal? In most cases, the BS (I am one) actually brings this site to their WS in order to help the WS work thru their issues. One of the conditions of reconciliation for me was that my WS read and post on here until I felt he "got it."

Generally, it is said it takes 2 to 5 years to heal infidelity, and that is if you work diligently on it. It can take some people longer. I don't think anyone here is going to tell your BS that he needs to be "over it" until he feels he is over it.

In the past he's made comments such along the lines that I shouldn't have to be told what to do to fix things, I should know the right thing to do.
That is really scary. How would you know how to heal this if you have never been taught? We have to be taught the alphabet, how to read and write, how to play instruments, how to speak a foreign language.....why would he expect you to know how to heal deep personal issues without getting help? There is a reason that there are so many counselors and that people go to them. Sometimes, our families just don't know how to role model healthy relationships, so we have to learn that elsewhere. Where does he want you to learn this?

ETA: An example: With my WS, he had no clue about boundaries. His own family was unable to teach him because of their own unhealthy behaviors. Once he started learning about boundaries, he was able to put them into place to make sure he doesn't do anything to make me feel unsafe again.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 8:54 AM, July 28th (Monday)]

somethingremorse posted 7/28/2014 08:57 AM

This site is a huge help to me. I see other people who have the same problems and experiences as me. Sometimes they are way ahead of me, so I can learn from them. Now, some people are behind me, so I can offer my experiences.

I find that just writing out questions and answers helps to crystalize those things in my mind. This site helps me figure out what is going on in my mind.

I also get help in what my BW is going through. I think I know, but the help of others here, particularly BS', is really valuable.

he's made comments such along the lines that I shouldn't have to be told what to do to fix things, I should know the right thing to do.

My BW said things like this to me early on. One big one was "Say something that comes from you, not something that you read on SI." SI helps point me in the right direction (along with C and reading). All of these things are supposed to help my thinking and introspection. I admit that as I started figuring myself out, and realizing what my BW was going through, there was probably "more SI" and less somethingremorse than there is now. I think that is a normal stage in the journey -- but it is still something that you need to be careful about.

It's reassuring and also is helping me learn some healthy ways to help us heal (mainly help me help my BH heal), etc.

Sometimes this can feel manipulative to a BS. Use this site first as a way to examine yourself. Try to help your BS understand that you are trying to fix yourself, no trying to manipulate your relationship.

Hang in there.

tired girl posted 7/28/2014 09:00 AM

Talk to him. Ask him what he is afraid of if you are coming here to read. He may not feel completely comfortable with talking about all of this yet and may want to rugsweep this, some BH's are like that. So talk to him and see what is going on his head.

StartingFreshNow posted 7/28/2014 09:07 AM

Thank you.

I definitely think I'll bring this up tonight and find out why he's so against it. I see the point you make about him possibly seeing it as manipulative so I definitely need to make sure I'm focusing on how I'm using this site to make myself better rather than how to help heal him. That's a really good point and I appreciate it.

MovingUpward posted 7/28/2014 09:09 AM

From the comments that you've made, I have to draw the conclusion that your BH is still very hurt and struggling. I don't think he is ready to be healed from this and hence the comment about "looking up how fast he should be moving on". Everyone takes their own healing journey and this is important for both you and your BH to understand. There is both an individual healing and then if lucky a marital healing.

You sound like you are on the path of healing although you will need to not lose the focus of your individual healing. Instead of books on healing from affairs he may be needing to see you finding items that address the choice selection process. If I saw my WW focusing on healing from affairs, I'd have jumped to the conclusion that I was needing to get over it. If she was bring home titles like "Why did I make the choice to cheat" (I don't know if this is a real book) then I wouldn't make an assumption that my W was trying to get me to move on in my healing, but was working on herself. As a BH I needed to see my WW working on herself to feel safe that we would not be repeating this same mistake.

As for the site, there are so many different people and posters and viewpoints that it can be easy to pick and choose things that aren't seemingly helpful if you are randomly reading. Maybe you'll find a post that resonates to you that you want to share with him that you can share.

In the meantime focus on the issues that led you to your choice. When your BH can sense the remorse then he will not be jumping to the conclusion of being pushed to heal.

BrokenButTrying posted 7/28/2014 09:11 AM

Does your BH secretly blame himself for your A?

The reason I ask is because my husband hates that I'm healing. At first he didn't want to discuss it (although this is now changing), he isn't supportive of it (thinks I should know how to do it myself without help) and used to say negative things about anything that was helping me (reading, SI, IC etc) but this has also stopped now but I suspect that's because he's realised I'm going to do it anyway no matter what he says.

Turns out he was terrified that I would heal, be healthier and then find him lacking and leave. For my specific situation, that may well be the case. But for you it might be worth discussing and reassuring him.

Brandon808 posted 7/28/2014 09:27 AM

BH here and I think this is something you and he should talk about for the sake of being open and authentic.

Make sure he understands...
You want to help him heal
You want to fix your own issues
You wanted him to know where and how you're getting that support
You understand if this site isn't for him or if it's too soon

It sounds like he didn't look at all of the forums here and may be a little too raw to read some of the stories. The Betrayed Men's thread in ICR is very different from the one he apparently read on his first visit. Also, JFO where only BS may post is another possibility.

The point is that you are being proactive. You are trying to do the work. Keep it up. It's hard but it's worth it.

StartingFreshNow posted 7/28/2014 09:29 AM

Wow, you guys are awesome! This is why I like the site - your insight is incredible.

You're right - I'm focusing mainly on helping him heal when he's not ready. He's told me he's not ready to forgive but I didn't understand what that truly meant. I need to work on myself and let him do his own thing, with me being there for him when he's ready.

I will definitely be talking with him, and I'll show him posts that help me to give him an example of why this site is good for me, without having a focus on him.

Thank you!!!!!

numb&dumb posted 7/28/2014 09:31 AM

SI has been a godsend. The mods do a great job of letting everyone say what is on their mind, but the anonymous nature makes the judgements easier and the mods keep everything "civil."

If your BH really thinks that let him talk to some of the other BHs here. He isn't willing to listen to much that you have to say right now. That is normal. Coming here would allow him to get a different perspective from other BS or even WS.

He can explore his situation, on his own, without you being in the middle.

familyfirst posted 7/28/2014 11:38 AM

SI is great! You are right there. Maybe be careful not to blame SI for an idea. I think SI is like therapy, it can give you ideas and even an action plan but you have own those ideas before putting them into place. For example you can't run home and say "I'm giving you a timeline because everyone on SI says it will help you heal". Instead you read advice on SI how a timeline can help, you go home, give him the timeline and say "I want you to have all the available information in hopes it will increase your trust in me"

Trying2LoveAgain posted 7/28/2014 12:05 PM

Did not see a stop posting from a BS here. My husband (the WS) voiced concern about me coming to the site in the beginning of our recovery & even since then will once in a while still frown a bit if he sees me on it I think because he thinks it triggers me. I just keep telling him that it's NOT the site that triggers me, it's that something else did it & I come here for help & support & to hopefully help others. I finally just insisted that he read some things on here and I couldn't believe how it helped him to. And it surprised him also! He's sorta old school & said he didn't want to tell anyone what he'd done to me, our family & himself! I explained to him that people on here don't know your name, or any other personal info about you unless you tell them those things & that it's actually discouraged! So...I'm wondering, could your spouse maybe have any of those fears as well?

I wish I'd found SI sooner than I did. The advice of such things as who to tell about the A, should you contact the AP, should you tell your children and MANY other things would have helped me/us as a couple! I have also gained MUCH knowledge by reading the Wayward forum.Its helped me learn things like why people have A's, what was going on in their minds & lives at the time, what did others really think about their AP's, ETC.

As they tell you on here, take what you need and leave the rest. We are all REAL people here, people that have/are going through the same things so we can all honestly relate to one another. And to be very honest, the people here have helped me as much if not MORE than my IC did!

I hope this has helped coming from a BS perspective. Best of luck & I really do hope you can get him on board here.

StartingFreshNow posted 7/28/2014 12:08 PM

Thank you - that really does help.

My BH is a very private person and we've had discussions about how hard it is for him not to be able to tell anyone or talk to anyone. He's not generally into online things (FB, forums, etc) but I really think this site is amazing.

I'm not going to push it but maybe if I pull up the site and some things I find helpful about it, maybe he'll have a more open mind and explore it on his own. I would love for him to have an outlet aside from just our MC.

Darkness Falls posted 7/28/2014 12:53 PM

My XBH doesn't like me being on SI either. Not only does he abhor the idea of talking to strangers about his personal business (and therefore would *never* come here himself), but he feels that me being here 4 years later keeps me reliving the past and focusing on negative stuff.

I personally think it's a great resource and it's helped me very much.

steppingup posted 7/28/2014 13:48 PM

It might be that he is already too tired of thinking about the topic "affair", I have felt the same way, like I just want to have a vacation from the topic completely, and yet some of us obsess on it and are constantly looking for clues and helpful hints to get through the pain or frustration or process of it all ASAP.

As a BS, I can say this SI helps me, your BH needs help too, does he have a support group, or people that he can relate to? SI isn't really the best surrogate for real conversations about these issues. I would welcome discussing with your BS, either by telephone or by email ,etc. He needs the support of someone who can “identify” with his feelings, yes we have to embrace them despite how they feel, it really helps the healing process.

Hoping things turn out well for you both.

painfulpast posted 7/28/2014 14:10 PM

but he feels that me being here 4 years later keeps me reliving the past and focusing on negative stuff.

I could have written this exactly, regarding my fWH. He HATES anything that I do that's A related (except IC). He thinks I like to keep things going.

I should clarify - he used to feel this way. Now he just lets me. I think for a long time he thought I was using various sites to stay angry (like I needed help). For the first 2+ years after the last TT, it was HELL for him. I was a wreck, and I was angry at everything, and he knew it.

He now realizes that it's just part of the process. Was I angry longer than some? Yes, I was. I've always been a bit hostile, and I think that, along with some deep self loathing for staying, kept me angry for longer than many. But that was my path to healing, and he knows that now. Today he doesn't say much about what I do online, or who I speak to regarding the A.


I've seen a couple of BSs think that WSs use this and other sites to exchange tips on not getting caught, or that WSs are simply reading for such tips. If he thinks you're using this to 'act the way you are supposed to' or to get cheating tips or tips on covering your tracks, then I can see why he doesn't like you using the site. I think your idea of helping him understand what you get from the site is a wonderful idea.

The truth is that sometimes so much is happening our thoughts become overwhelming. Reading the thoughts of others that have already walked this road can help sort through those thoughts tremendously.

My BH is a very private person and we've had discussions about how hard it is for him not to be able to tell anyone or talk to anyone. He's not generally into online things (FB, forums, etc) but I really think this site is amazing.

My fWH is the same. I know that he'd never use a site such as SI. I also know that because I use this site, he's read things here, and I know that some of the things he read, even though he didn't join or post, helped him understand quite a bit.

You may want to suggest, gently, that he just read some of it, perhaps some of the items in the healing library. He may get more out of it than he believes he will.

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