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Hurting Heart

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losttrust1231 posted 7/28/2014 09:03 AM

I don't even know where to start...

On New Year's Eve, with a houseful of celebrating kiddos, my husband left his computer on the counter for me to look up a phone number for a pizza joint. Curiosity got the best of me and I scrolled through his email and find an email from Craiglist confirming an ad he placed. Then I found an email confirming his registration with a WebCam site. I went to the site using his username and password. I see that he has been live webcaming for the past year and a half.

Oh God, this is so hard...

OakStreet posted 7/28/2014 09:33 AM


Start by reading articles in The Healing Library in the left corner.

Have you confronted your husband with your knowledge? How did he react?

Keep posting and others will be along with more info and advice.

So sorry you are going through this!

losttrust1231 posted 7/28/2014 10:02 AM

Thank you OakStreet. From reading the forums, I know that I am not alone but I feel alone.

I was shocked by what I read. He was in chat rooms and then paying for personal time. The words in the chats were words that he would say to me. I thought I was special but when I read him saying those things to someone else it feels like I am being stabbed in the heart. He watched her and she watched him. He did what she told him to do. They orgasmed together. And when I say she, they were all different women. Whomever tickled his fancy at that time got his tokens.

I did confront him. He was horrified and started in on why and that he was glad that it was out in the open. It was difficult to talk with all of the kids there and, honestly, that day has become a blur.

BlueBlueEyes posted 7/28/2014 10:36 AM

I'm sorry. I found emails with things my husband said to her that he's also said to me. It's such a bad feeling. No describing that pain. He told me it was just talk to keep her wanting to do stuff for him. So I asked if it's just talk with us. He said nothing with us had anything to do with using her(x2 over years with gap in time). The more we've talked and I've been on this site, I do believe that. This is fantasy to avoid dealing with something. I do believe be can mean those things when he says them to you. BUT it doesn't matter what I believe. We are here for you. My husband also said he was glad I found out. I actually think in hindsight that he got sloppy so I would. He said he didn't know how to get out if the mess and now knows he should have dealt with some major things years ago. Time will tell with both of us. I keep watching his sincerity level and his connection to me and my feelings. I also have learned to trust my gut. I don't "nice" him. In fact this time I called the police to have him immediately leave the house. That scared the crap out if him and he didn't think I'd even consider taking him back. Now, If I'm angry I tell him exactly how I feel. I haven't thrown D out and told him I'm taking it day by day. I'm not in a hurry to make a decision (don't want him to get too comfortable for a while). I'm only 2 months out.

losttrust1231 posted 7/28/2014 11:40 AM

OMG, my husband said all of those things as well!! All of the same exact things (up to the police part). I had a breakdown 4 days after DDay and was hospitalized. It has been a rough journey for me. When I think things are going in a forward motion, I am reminded of his behavior. I don't know how to let it go...I can't unsee the words that he exchanged with her.

losttrust1231 posted 7/28/2014 13:40 PM

Is there any hope of regaining trust after a betrayal such as this?

BlueBlueEyes posted 7/28/2014 13:50 PM

The mind movies still hit me too. Have you heard the saying that the bird sitting on a branch doesn't worry because if it does, she knows she can fly? I love that and I say it over and over in my head. You don't need to rush into any major decisions until you feel it's time. Do make sure he's treating you like he should. He is human, so you can't expect perfect, just honest and working on it (treatment). Behaviors must immediately stop. Your husband has a lot more to tell you and probably some things he's going to need to admit to himself. Stay strong for you. Don't make everthing about him. Have you had an STD panel done? I'm hope in saying this gently but I think you need that peace of mind as well. Draw up some firm boundaries and rules. If you look at my original thread sorting through the mess, you will see mine. These things should be a given, but since they weren't to him, I made them strict conditions to my putting any effort into r. The real work belongs in him.

BlueBlueEyes posted 7/28/2014 13:55 PM

There's usually hope. Especially since you found this sight and resources. 180 is great. Don't confuse what it really means. It's about empowering and taking care of yourself, not playing games. How old are you,husband, kids?

losttrust1231 posted 7/28/2014 14:14 PM

Yes I had a complete STD panel done almost immediately because I wanted to be sure even though he claimed there was never any physical contact just webcaming through the site.

This is the second marriage for both of us. We have been married almost a year and a half. I am 47 and he is 44. We have a blended family of five boys. I have two boys, 14 and 11. He has three, 17, 13 and 9. We share custody of our children with our exes.

Some days are good, most are not. I have struggled with anxiety most of my adult life and this has just made it worse. Needless to say, after my breakdown, my meds were increased just to calm the flying monkeys in my head. They have stopped flying and are only running now. I am not sure I can ever trust again. And what is a relationship without trust??

BlueBlueEyes posted 7/28/2014 14:30 PM

Glad you're taking care of yourself medically. I wish there was something I could say to magically make things better. Really time is helping me. I certainly need more though. I find posting to others is helping me work through my own thoughts. Stepping up, Stronger and some of the other men really give me insight on what a man should feel. I'm here if you need to vent. For me, venting is a big relief. I can't go to family because I don't want to have to deal with that pressure. Here, people really get it.

losttrust1231 posted 7/28/2014 14:34 PM

I hope that some men respond. I think that would really help...maybe gain some understanding on my part.

Delilah169 posted 7/28/2014 16:59 PM


I am new here, but we have a couple of things in common and I want to give you some information about them.

My H was involved in a LTA (2+ years), so our betrayals are different. But the pain, anguish, devastation is the same for us all, regardless of our individual situation. My DD was 4/28/13, but I have been subjected to 15 months of lies, TT, gaslighting, you name it, anything to protect his ass. Every day feels like DD to me.

First: the movies. When I first found out, I don't think I slept for 3 months, I could not close my eyes w/o seeing him with her, in vivid technicolor 3D, surround sound. I would doze off and wake up screaming no at the dreams I would have. I could NOT get those pictures out of my mind. I can say that after 15 months, they are almost gone now, eventually you get so sick of them your brain takes over and starts to protect you. I only see them now after a particularly stressful argument, a "trigger", and sadly, when we have any sexual contact. Thank God the lights are off, he has no idea how often I cry during those times. Each person is an individual with their own coping mechanisms, but in my case it did get better, and I have quite the active imagination.

Second: Repeating the same things to his whore he said to me. God that hurt. Then I realized he is such an emotional cripple, those are the only things he is capable of saying. Probably has said the same things to every girl he's ever dated. Doesn't make it hurt any less, but it helps explain it a little. I think they do mean it when they say it to us, and don't to them, it's just all they have.

Good luck to you. Many thoughts coming your way. You will get lots of good advice on here.

wk55hn posted 7/28/2014 19:37 PM

I don't know if this will help, but I think a lot of guys look at viewing porn as being OK, and a smaller sub-set of those guys consider online webcams to be the same as porn. It's not my thing so I don't know much about webcams. I assume you have to pay a woman to talk to you, similar to paying a stripper for a lap dance or something like that. They don't look at it as being as bad as having a non-monetary (i.e., consensual romantic sexual) relationship with another woman because they aren't having physical contact and they aren't being romantic. And they don't look at is as bad as using a prostitute, because what they are doing does not involve physical contact.

Despite what I said about guys not thinking any or all of that stuff is no big deal, that is just how THEY feel about it morally; they see nothing wrong with it. HOWEVER, almost every guy knows enough to hide it, they know their wives or girlfriends would be extremely upset and would not approve, but they don't think they will get caught and they do it anyway.

Can I also just say that I don't do any of that stuff, I've never web-cammed, I've never used a prostitute, I haven't been in a strip club in 20 years and I never liked them even when my friends would drag me to them once in a while, but what I know is from hearing other guys talk, and I've heard women discuss the subject also, and I've witnessed how upset women get, so - don't kill me, I'm just the messenger.

losttrust1231 posted 7/29/2014 14:31 PM

Thank you to all who have posted. I really appreciate the time you have taken.

wk55hn, may I assume you are a man? I will not hurt the messenger. ;-) I understand everything you wrote and for the most part I agree. I had no problem with my husband watching porn (and he knew this), my problem began when it became interactive. I don't understand why a man knows to hide the behavior but doesn't believe it is wrong? Can anyone enlighten me?

wk55hn posted 7/29/2014 20:06 PM

He MIGHT NOT believe the behavior is wrong (or he might), but he DOES KNOW IT IS WRONG TO HURT YOU. He is hiding it because he knows it will hurt you. He may or may not believe that the activity itself is morally wrong, but he knows hurting you, his wife, by doing something he has agreed not to do, which you are offended by, devastated by, is wrong.

We all learn to hide things we know are wrong when we are kids, I think. Maybe it is human nature. We drive our cars, we go over the speed limit, but we don't drive over to the police station and turn ourselves in. If we see a speed trap, we slow down and hope we don't get caught. I think we all do it, but - big, big difference - not to those we profess to love, not when we know it will cause another person pain.

How does your husband do it knowing it will devastate you? Why do guys do what your husband is doing? I don't know, but my guess is some combination of compulsion/addiction/lack of character. He is getting something out of it, or else he wouldn't be doing it. Not knowing your husband, it's hard to say, is it a deep-seated compulsion from something in his past or is he just a selfish person who doesn't care about your feelings? Or somewhere in between?

[This message edited by wk55hn at 8:10 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)]

wk55hn posted 7/29/2014 20:16 PM

When it comes to this stuff, I really don't know what I'm talking about. But this stuff is so common, there must be some literature out there on it that you could read. I just did a quick search and found this:

I'm sure you could find a lot more if you look.

losttrust1231 posted 7/30/2014 08:35 AM

Thank you wk55hn. I have combed the internet for informaton about cybersex and have read so much about it that I am just sick of it. But, please, know that I am grateful for your posts.

I am just sick of it all. I am so tired of been vigilent in checking email and phones.

seethelight posted 7/30/2014 09:10 AM

Personally, I think if a married man is hiding his porn habit, he knows it's wrong.

I really don't understand a married man being interested in masturbating to porn. Don't they have anything else to think about it, in between having sex with their wife?

wk55hn posted 7/30/2014 10:58 AM

I am just sick of it all. I am so tired of been vigilent in checking email and phones.

Yeah, it gets old real fast. Like we don't already have enough to do, now we have to spend an hour or two each day monitoring electronics.

I lasted about two weeks like that, then told her she could do whatever whenever, but if I found out or even got a story that didn't make sense she would be gone. I figured if she was going to cheat, she'd screw up sooner or later, and then I'd dump her. Even now, over 2 years later, there is a certain level of indifference I have towards her, it's hard to explain. But I know if I ever caught her again, I'd be walking and not looking back. If I didn't have kids I wouldn't have bothered at all to begin with.

You could ask him to delete all social media accounts, and to get rid of his email and share yours. I know of more than one marriage in real life where the husband and wife and sometimes even the entire family share a single email account. If you all have nothing to hide, what's the difference?

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