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Newest Member: Jasnah (61860)

User Topic: Taking a day off from the pain
♂ 36555
Member # 36555
What?  Posted: 9:59 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So we went out of town for the weekend. Although I wasn't as sweet as always with my FWW it did us good to get out of our daily environment and enjoy ourselves with the kids. I could feel the thoughts wanting to haunt me, but I decided I would put them aside and enjoy this. Needless to say, it was great to enjoy the weekend with no negative thoughts. No pain on my chest and no depressed feelings.

We did go out alone with wife and while we had a few drinks, the topic did come to mind and we said a few things about OM and such. New revelations about how they got closer, but nothing to throw me off.

Last night, we talked about it again. I told her it was nice to put the pain aside for a weekend. I also told her I was afraid that the pain would never leave. She said she was too.

So maybe I need to exercise the action of putting negative thoughts aside to the point where they won't haunt me anymore?

[This message edited by 2married2quit at 10:00 AM, July 28th (Monday)]

BS - Me 47 WS - Her 45 (Childhood sexual abuse survivor)
DDAY -#1- June 2012/ #2 -June 2015 / #3-August 2015
Married 25yrs. 2kids
Status: divorced.

Posts: 1736 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
♀ 12802
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's good you had a nice weekend with your fam and wife. Those times are good for reconnecting and giving your head a break from it all.

There is though, a fine line sometimes between putting aside negative thoughts that have no place in the here and now, and not allowing yourself to process your feelings when they happen.

the former is healthy, while the latter will always come back to bite you in the ass. only you know which is which. it's a funky part of the process where you have to determine whether you're putting aside those negative thoughts because they've been resolved and are just leftover ghosts or because they're in need of resolving (even if it's just the crumbs of a bigger issue already resolved) and you're avoiding.

it sounds like the two of you had a productive talk, which is great. hopefully this is the beginning of setting aside things that have no place in your *now* and being able to enjoy the hard work you've accomplished so far.

Kids on the playground can be so cruel. “Get off the swings you’re like 50, and stop talking about Soundgarden, we don't even know what that is."

Posts: 14938 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
♀ 43773
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have found that putting thoughts aside doesn't work. They just continue cycling in the background until I finally do voice them - and they're more upsetting at that point because now they've been on my mind for awhile.

So I try to ask questions as they come up. Depending on how my husband answers - and what he answers - I'm able to take the answer as another thing to process as part of the bigger picture and continue on after a few moments. If his answer leads to pain, I let myself feel that pain. If he comforts and is empathetic, I'm able to "let it out" (not that it's ever going to get completely out, but a release of the immediate harshness).

“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 4092 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
♂ 36555
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well, most importantly, the mind movies still kill me. The things she said at the time (while in the fog) and her actions at the time. It went on for a year and a half and they just don't go away like magic. A break was nice. I felt like I could give myself a vacation from pain. It felt foreign yet nice. I had a hard time allowing myself to let go emotionally though because it makes me feel SO vulnerable. From randomly kissing her to holding her hand and starring into her eyes with a smile. I still can't do it. When I do I feel like I'm faking it.

BS - Me 47 WS - Her 45 (Childhood sexual abuse survivor)
DDAY -#1- June 2012/ #2 -June 2015 / #3-August 2015
Married 25yrs. 2kids
Status: divorced.

Posts: 1736 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
♀ 42607
Member # 42607
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Early on, I think it very difficult to control feelings and hold off talking about things as they come up. However, as time passes, I was able to allow some things to go unsaid if they had already been addressed, and also allow for more appropriate times for discussions as necessary.
With that, I can now enjoy longer periods of time as a couple and family without the problems of the past popping into my head. But I think that has happened because I was allowed, both by my h and myself, to process the info and the pain as I needed to at the time.
We are almost 3 years past dd1. And 1 1/2 years of nc, and I still feel the pain intensely sometimes, but it becomes less frequent over time. I am afraid too, that it will never go away, and I know that my h feels the same also.
I think, nc and no new revelations help put it inthe past more quickly as well as a truly remorseful spouse willing to do the work. I truly hope we all have that.

Married 30 yrs.
dd1 9/10/2011 ea/pa
DD2 3/25/2013 same ow, never stopped email and phone contact.
Putting the past behind us and moving forward together

Posts: 960 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: big blue nation
♂ 36555
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I thought about it today.... bury the past. I'm trying, but it's almost like your'e saying it was "okay" or "it didn't hurt you so bad" when you let it go. I think I need more time. Also, I feel like I'm conforming to what I have. Yes,it was great, but the new reality is that everything has changed and it's not as good. Almost like you broke a plate. Sure you glued it back, but it's not the same. :(

BS - Me 47 WS - Her 45 (Childhood sexual abuse survivor)
DDAY -#1- June 2012/ #2 -June 2015 / #3-August 2015
Married 25yrs. 2kids
Status: divorced.

Posts: 1736 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 6

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