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Newest Member: Dilbert (46033)

User Topic: How do you stay strong?
broken2404
♀ 44262
Member # 44262
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been lurking in the forums for months and finally decided that I'm ready to tell my story. Before I start, I would just like to thank all contributors to this forum - you guys keep my sanity in check when i'm deep in emotional hell! Thank you!

Brief summary of the EA the H had 3 months ago - he went on a solo trip to Thailand and met the OW. Our marriage was fine on all levels prior to his EA - sure, the passion has died down somewhat, but we are pretty sure that we loved one another. He and I both established that the EA stemmed from a lack of communication between the two of us (just to clarify, he is not blaming the EA on this reason - he knows and acknowledges that he is solely responsible for the EA, and shows true regret and remorse for it. This is the conclusion that we have reached together when we searched our souls for the reason this happened so that we can fix it and move forward). Before the EA, we function pretty independently of each other, so we largely dealt with our problems on our own (especially if we have grouses with each other, we just sucked it up and lived with it, thinking it was part and parcel of marriage). I guess this is the reason he fell for the OW - she was the complete opposite of myself. She was pretty vocal about how she felt and what she wants, which was a refreshing change from myself and the H fell hopelessly for her. We are working hard to fix this currently and I would like to think that we are making rather good progress.

My question to all BSes is, how do you remain strong during R on those days when the hurt wont seem to lessen? I'm 100% sure that I have forgiven him but sometimes it hurts SO BAD that i just want to die. There are times when I feel thoroughly hurt by his betrayal, especially how he told her that he was willing to give up everything (including our marriage and this life we have painstakingly built together in this country) to move over to Thailand to be with her. We were together for 14 years... and it meant nothing to him that he could give all of that up for someone he has just MET for 14 days! How could he!! This is probably my wounded pride speaking but I'm also completely humiliated that I LET him choose between the two of us instead of taking charge and deciding the fate of our marriage myself (on hindsight it was probably for the best that I didn't, else I would never know that he chose me ). My head keeps telling myself that this is his one-off indiscretion, but that doesn't make it any less painful to endure! This is made worse by that fact that I do not have a person that I can blow off that all steam with - I don't have someone neutral and trustworthy enough to keep this a secret and offer me unbiased good advice, unfortunately. Our friends are linked and my family would SKIN him alive if they knew what he did! Lol! This is why I'm really thankful for this forum - you guys really helped me understand the phases of R and helped keep me sane when all these suffocating thoughts were drowning me.

I know for a fact that all these hurt will fade with time. He has been working his ass off to right all the wrongs that he has done, and I really do not want him to be discouraged by all these hurt that I'm feeling. So I really wonder how can I blow off the clouds of depression when it comes and stay focused on our end goal (which is complete healing and good communication)?


Oh, I didn't realise that I wrote such a long, rambly post! >.< Do let me know if you need any clarifications! Thanks for reading! :)


Posts: 2 | Registered: Jul 2014
steadfast1973
♀ 24719
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I go through days just like you do, really.

It's cyclical, too. I'll feel good... Then bam. I get sad, then I get mad, that he did this, then guilty because he's come so far. Then I remember, that I felt like THIS after dday1, and he still did it again. And I get angry again. Then, worried that I will get blindsided again. Then sad. Then mad for not leaving. Then feel guilty about that. I want to scream at him, "WHY!!!???" But I already have. And I know the answer. And I don't want to punish him, but... OH, God! i just want to punish him!! All in a 5 minute period of time.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 100% sure that I have forgiven him

are you sure? Because your Dday was 3 months ago. This stuff takes a long time to get through and its a process. What you're feeling is very normal.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5771 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
lovesobroken
♀ 43588
Member # 43588
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you sure this was just an EA? It seems hard to believe he'd sacrifice so much after 14 days just meeting and talking to someone. I know you seem so ready to 'move on', but if you don't get complete honesty, then he still has parts of him that are hidden from you. Also I'd suggest not having very high expectations from yourself, be gentle with yourself and your own best friend. Is he doing everything he can? When did he fall out of love and what made him do that? Do they still have contact via work? Are you sue of NC? Hang on thwre , its still early on.

Posts: 367 | Registered: May 2014
Lovedyoumore
♀ 35593
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why did he go to Thailand? He is lucky he got out without a child to support, a very common con among the sex workers. Sex is free to the business men because the women know how to lure the EA into a lucrative relationship based on being soulmates. They keep several men on the hook at a time and bring in big bucks milking American, Australian, and European men. No need to charge for the initial hookup sex because they are looking for a bigger, long range payoff. Sometimes sex is not even involved at first unless it is needed to keep the fish on the line.

I would keep checking the NC. These women can be very persistent. Think of her as a telemarketer. When the need comes around, bills come in, and she needs money, the calls may reappear. Has your H explored the fact he was probably being groomed for his bank account?

When our H falls for some ridiculous ego stroking by an OW who has an agenda, it makes our whole marriage look like a cheap alternative. Really? Was it that great? I sometimes have to use my stubbornness and my anger to keep from falling off the pity cliff.

When they act like teenagers instead our husbands, we do not know them. Where did they come from? I admit I have to use humor at times to keep my sanity and just laugh at the ridiculousness of some of my H's choices. It is hard to respect him at times and thank God our children are not here to see it. Sometimes, if I did not laugh, I would cry all the time. Wishing you strength to move on into a better life and marriage.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1611 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
painfulpast
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is probably my wounded pride speaking but I'm also completely humiliated that I LET him choose between the two of us instead of taking charge and deciding the fate of our marriage myself

broken, you do decide the fate of your marriage, every day. You can leave at any moment. He's given you a reason to do just that, and every day that you don't leave is a day you decide the fate of your marriage.

[This message edited by painfulpast at 11:43 AM, July 28th (Monday)]


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
broken2404
♀ 44262
Member # 44262
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's cyclical, too. I'll feel good... Then bam. I get sad, then I get mad, that he did this, then guilty because he's come so far. Then I remember, that I felt like THIS after dday1, and he still did it again. And I get angry again. Then, worried that I will get blindsided again. Then sad. Then mad for not leaving. Then feel guilty about that. I want to scream at him, "WHY!!!???" But I already have. And I know the answer. And I don't want to punish him, but... OH, God! i just want to punish him!! All in a 5 minute period of time.

steadfast1973: Hahaha thats exactly how I feel on those emotional days!!


rachelc: I'm pretty sure that I have forgiven him! It is a conscious decision that I have made after seeing his remorse and repentance in action. Call me naive but I do truly want to give him and our marriage a second chance and start over again with a clean slate.


lovesobroken: Thanks so much for the feedback! I couldn't believe it myself too at first, and have questioned him just about a gadzillion times about this during the early days. If he loved me how could he even think of leaving me for someone he BARELY knew? I guess he was blinded by the excitement and passion at that time. He has been totally honest with me since D-Day (trust me, I'm pretty darned good at sniffing out his BS and I friggin' VALIDATED everything he told me - they all checked out) plus, I'm sick in the sense that I would demand details of everything (and then go die in a corner or something, lol), so I have a complete picture of what had happened between them. So far all my questions were answered (and if still have any questions I feel safe now asking him and knowing that I will get an honest answer), so I have no reason to doubt what he says. I'm also 100% sure of NC as he switched jobs and I have access to all his records / emails / phone. It also helps that she has moved on.

He told me the reason he fell for her was because there's something about her being vocal about her feelings and needs that he finds irresistible (#sarcasm - I would love to know how they communicated, considering how she couldn't even string a decent English sentence together, but whatever! Hahaha!) And the reason why he chose to go ahead with the affair was because (in his own words) he was f*ckedup He told me he didn't know what he was thinking as he truly thinks that our marriage was fine. It was as if he was under a spell - all he knew at that time is that he felt like he couldnt live without her I can laugh about it now, but when I first knew I was SO HUMILIATED that I want to die!

You're right - I need to go easy on myself. Sometimes I get so frustrated because I want so badly to put this behind us and move on, but sometimes there seems to be no progress. Thanks for the reminder!


Lovedyoumore: (((Lovedyoumore))) I'm sorry to hear that!! I wish I could give you a hug now! I wish you all the strength and happiness in the world too!! Hugs!!!

I think you nailed the description of OW in the head! Although she was someone he met through work and not a sex worker, I do believe that she thinks that the H is some wealthy Farang that would be able to provide a good life for her. Considering how quickly she moved on after he cut off all contact with her and refused to give her any more money, I'm inclined to believe that this is the case. I'm ashamed to admit that during those early days when I was at pit bottom, I used to laugh at his stupidity - she doesn't even have to give him sex (just lots of ego stroking and empty lies) to get money and love out of him And then I would cry because he almost chose that gold digger over me! Those were terrible times and I would never wish this upon anyone!


painfulpast: THANK YOU MY DEAR!!! Why didn't I see that in the first place... thanks for opening my eyes! Indeed, I chose to forgive him and I chose to work on us! Still WIP but I know we'll get there someday! :)


Thanks all who replied! I truly appreciate you all taking time to reply and contribute to my healing! Hugs!


Posts: 2 | Registered: Jul 2014
Topic Posts: 7

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