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tangledknot posted 7/28/2014 11:43 AM

I am still struggling with some ambivalence. My BS loves me, and he needs me to love him. Instead, I feel prickly and defensive and hopeless. I don't know what my problems is. I'm just so unhappy. Has any other WS pushed their way through this?

I feel so incompetent and incapable. I just hate this.

StartingFreshNow posted 7/28/2014 11:57 AM

Are you in IC? Do you feel empathy? Remorse?

tangledknot posted 7/28/2014 11:59 AM

I just started IC. I've only had two sessions, and there is so much to work through. It seems like we are barely scratching the surface, same thing with MC.

Do I feel empathy or remorse? I am not a heartless person, or at least I didn't think I was. I feel like I have to give up my own will in order to be completely empathetic to my BS.

I often feel smothered by my H. I really don't know what my problem is. From the outside looking in, I am really a piece of crap.

[This message edited by tangledknot at 12:05 PM, July 28th (Monday)]

StartingFreshNow posted 7/28/2014 12:05 PM

Do you know what you want in your R?

Do you want to heal and help your BS heal?

Do YOU want to stay in the R or are you just staying for some other reason?

newdaytomorrow posted 7/28/2014 13:44 PM

Keep hope, it gets better. You mentioned giving up your own will to be completely epathetic. I was broken and gave up my will when I allowed the affair to happen. It is a long road, you are just a couple of sessions into counseling. Time will bring more understanding.
Why do you feel smothered?
Congratulations on making it a month.

[This message edited by newdaytomorrow at 1:55 PM, July 28th (Monday)]

tangledknot posted 7/28/2014 14:46 PM

BH vacillates between rage and being clingy. I don't know why I feel smothered. Long before my affair, I put a lot of distance between us. It's an issue in our marriage. It always seems like I'm trying to get away from him. I feel suffocated, but I can't put my finger on why I would feel that way. I feel guilty for pushing him away emotionally, and then I had to go and stab him in the back.

I can't fill him up. It's like filling his cup is taking away from mine, and I feel terrible about this. I feel so guilty for not having endless love for him, especially after what I have done.

I am sure some people are saying, "just leave him! Stop toying with him so that he can find someone who will be faithful and love him." It's not that simple. It's a selfish decision, but I believe my longterm health and happiness depends on me doing everything I can to improve myself and my marriage.

StartingFreshNow posted 7/28/2014 14:54 PM

Tell him how you feel and what you are capable of giving him. He deserves to know this to decide whether to stay and fight to R or to leave. If you feel smothered by his actions or words tell him and tell him what you are willing to do to make things work. If you are not willing to give up freedoms (texting anyone at anytime, your passwords to accounts, etc) tell him. Let him know what your limit is. If you know.

Also, don't be too hard on yourself. Without knowing more of your story it's hard to say anything but this is a tough process and the WS doesn't have it as easy as the BS tends to think. It is hard on "us".

I go through days where I feel like maybe everything I'm doing is for nothing and that I can't go another day giving up a freedom (like having to say no to all work travel) and then I look at my family and think about my BH and I remember why I'm fighting to save our M.

floridaredman posted 7/28/2014 15:34 PM

Have you ever truly loved your husband?
It sounds like he is more of a nuisance and liability to you than a life partner.

It seems its more of what you can get from the relationship than what he needs you to give him.

Your BH is being clingy because he feels you not wanting to be around him. He feels you slipping away.
You admit you stay for selfish reasons, where does your BH fit in?

Where is your empathy for him?
To betray someone with infidelity is a soul ripping and torturous ordeal. To push them away afterwards is an ever rotating knife to their esteem.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 3:35 PM, July 28th (Monday)]

somethingremorse posted 7/28/2014 15:42 PM

It always seems like I'm trying to get away from him. I feel suffocated, but I can't put my finger on why I would feel that way. I feel guilty for pushing him away emotionally

These are all questions that you need to answer about yourself. M or D or R, you have to figure them out to be happy with the rest of your life.

You cannot get to the answers after just a couple of IC sessions. It takes time.

I have seen this advice lots and lots of times here on SI: Don't make any big decisions for a few months. I'm not saying fake it, or be miserable or make your BH miserable. Just accept that you are working on something, and that you don't want to make a big decision until you have seen more work.

You might not want to put it in those exact terms for your BH. But give yourself some time.

tangledknot posted 7/29/2014 08:53 AM

We are in an agreed upon limbo now. We are giving it six months before we decide to divorce. BH informed me last night that he looked up the the forms and procedure for divorce in our state. I asked him for six months and he agreed. So that's where we stand.

I wish I could edit my thread topic. :( It should say, "It's been a month." oh well. I can barely function or work right now. I think I am a candidate for an anti-depressant or something. Anyone have any suggestions? Thanks.

tired girl posted 7/29/2014 09:08 AM


I can have problems like this. I think a lot of this stems from your childhood. I see you as still struggling to find your own identity and not wanting to share self with someone else. I can totally relate to this. This comes from having a NPD parent. You will build relationships such as the one with your AP that offer no real intimacy, meanwhile the ones that do offer real intimacy you will run from. It is common. This is going to take some serious IC to work through.

Meanwhile, with your H do you think you can empathize with him just from the standpoint of another person that is in pain? And it is someone that you care about? I know that for me, I didn't like hurting the ones that I cared about. That wasn't who I was deep down. It did take me awhile to reach total remorse. Until then, I cared deeply about his pain and tried to help him.

tangledknot posted 7/29/2014 09:38 AM

tired girl,

Thank you for your insight. I think you are right that I run from true intimacy and indulge when it is a fantasy. It is the weirdest thing, and something I never knew about myself. I will definitely bring it up in IC.

I do feel compassion for my BH. If I could take his pain and feel it myself I would in a heartbeat. I hate being the cause of so much suffering and pain, and I hate that I have hurt my family so much. I can barely stand the weight of what I have done.

Ever since D-day, I have tried so hard to do the right things. I have honored NC; I have been looking for jobs and exploring new career opportunities; I have taken the initiative for STD testing, which is humiliating (I know I don't have one); I initiated couples counseling and IC, and I have been reading non-stop. I am also exercising constantly, working full time, and continuing childcare and housework duties. But, he thinks I am not remorseful. He thinks that I am in la la land, that I'm not engaged. I don't know what to do! I told him last night that I didn't think anything I would do would be enough. I don't know how to show him remorse. It almost seems like he feels better when I am a mess of tears, which is every single day.

[This message edited by tangledknot at 9:41 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)]

tired girl posted 7/29/2014 09:45 AM

He feels better when he sees that because that feels like remorse to him. Share with him that when things get really close between you two it scares you. That you feel this has something to do with your childhood and you are working to figure it out. Tell him that it isn't about him but you. And you want to fix this so that maybe it doesn't bother you anymore.

Try to tap into that compassion you have so that you can start showing that to your H more. That will probably go a long way.

Believe me I know how you feel. I have had to verbally tell my H to back off of me at times because I literally felt suffocated. But I had learned enough in IC to know that I was having a flashback from my mom and it was not him. We had come far enough that he knew it wasn't him. Didn't always make it easy for him, but we learned to work through it together. Granted this was three years out from his DD. Early on I had to learn to muscle through his clingyness. Do your best. I know what you mean by feeling prickly. It is hard when you just want to push them away, and yet you know that you need to help them. You feel even more horrible. Take it day by day and do your best.

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